Day 8

Well. First off Happy Valentine's day to you all in the US. Another holiday that hallmark designed to force people to show their love for one another. Kind of against it really. Show your love daily people. If you have people in  your life, tell them and show them you love them regularly. Dont wait for a silly day to prep you for it. Theres no need to spend all the money their hoping for you to spend. Love is priceless. Even when I had a boyfriend I was not caught up on this holiday. But majority of the people are. Blah!! LOL.
Anyways, so today I had the endoscopy. The Dr gave me some good drugs and down the tube went down my throat. Umm, even drugged, its not the most pleasant of things. He said everything looks good. Also had the electrocardiogram done. It was productive. My Dr is ready to set a date for the surgery. Which is pretty exciting. Tomorrow I'll get all my blood work done and Wed I'm going to see a 2nd Dr just to confirm that the Dr I have now, is my guy. Normally I'm impulsive and go with my first instinct, but I lose nothing by going to see this other guy. This week is full of appointments. I also had my 2nd appointment with my Coach. It was actually pretty tough. We did a visualization where I literally travel back to my first memory of life and then watch myself grow up. So I had to pay attention to what was going on, to how I felt and how others felt about me. There was a lot of crying going on. By the end of it all she made me literally take crayons and draw the stages of my life. The majority has been very dark and sad. I always felt like a little girl jumping up and down with my hand up for you too see me. For someone to see me. For someone to talk to me, to hug me, to let me know everything was going to be ok. I've had great moments of my life, but by the time my drawing was done, I realized I am a survivor. A survivor of a childhood cut short. A survivor of abandonment. Just because people are around you, does not mean you dont feel alone. If your never acknowledged and feel rejected, it doesn't matter how many people are in the room. I was a nuisance to my brothers. I was not included in anything because I was so little. As an adult I understand that, but as a child I lived very confused and just thought they didn't like me. I remember they used to work out and put oil on  and would video tape themselves flexing to Poison's, "Poor Some Sugar On Me" LOL it was great. All you see is me in the background doing jumping jacks, doing whatever it is I could, to be a part of something.  When I was 8 my brother Luis went into a coma for a long time and obviously, the focus was on him. As an adult I get it. Duh, I mean he was in a coma for 6 years, but I can distinctly remember the day of his accident me feeling like my life would forever be different. It was hard for all of us. I'm not saying I'm the only victim here, but my at that point I went into defense mode and used the "Beast" to get me through what I needed. To create a comfort within my chaos. Food was my comfort. Food never rejected me. Food never judged me. But I had to grow up way too fast. It was a completely normal thing to go to the hospital every weekend to visit him. To spend weekends in a hospital and wait. and hope and pray. In the meanwhile, very confused. My way of coping was being involved as much as possible. I'd help him in the hospital when I could. and when my mom got in her car accident 4 months after Luis's, I took care of her. At the age of 8, I was helping my mom bathe because she had a leg that was shattered in 32 pieces. All of this toughened my skin as needed. Now its literally time to delayer. Makes sense because I'm so sensitive now. Now that I'm allowing my feelings to surface, I realize how sensitive my heart is.

Also a lot of the things we search for so dearly in life are not that far away. We depend on exterior things to make us happy, when all you have to do is look inside. How great! Just start listening to yourself and hearing what kind of friend  you are to you. You would be surprised on what type of conversations you have with yourself. and hurtful you can be to the being that SHOULD be most important in your life. Catholics believe God or Jesus has to come first in your life. I say my way of becoming closer to God is by becoming closer to myself. To love myself more is to love God more. Guess it all depends on what you believe.
My coach says that you attract people in your life for a certain reason. Everyone you come into contact with is there to show you a reflection of yourself. In terms of my grandmother, as I already knew she would be my teacher of patience. But the point is that she is here to show me how impatient I am with myself. and how rude and aggressive I can be with Ana. Knowing that, Today I will have more love and compassion for my grandmother. She challenges me by the second to have more patience with Ana. By doing so, I will have more patience with her. Same with my x abuser. He came into my life to shine light on the abuse I was having on myself. To me, by me. I don't need him to feel abused. I was doing it to myself on a daily basis by overeating and by eating crap. He also shined the light on my lack of relationship with my father. I can only be grateful for the experience I had with him. It was very painful, but in the end so many lessons came out of it. I can finally say I have a relationship with my Dad. We can't control what happens in our lives, traumatic things happen every day and your life can change in an instant. But we can control how we react to it. Our main challenge in every obstacle, is ourselves.
Thank you for reading