Day 2

This morning was rough. Had visitors last night until 11pm and I was exhausted. I'm assuming from the trip. I had my first Coaching today at 10am. A normal thing for me would be to call and ask if there was a later time to reschedule. But no, I got up, got ready, grabbed a taxi and went to my appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had spent plenty of years in Psychology sessions, but since this isn't a psychology sessions, wasn't really sure. I just knew I had to talk. I knew I needed someone to listen. Someone who wasn't involved in my personal life. Someone who didn't have their personal opinions on my situation. If you've ever though of the possiblity of attending any type of thereapy session, I recommend it. You may have to jump around sometimes until you find the right fit, but its so worth it. I'm a talker so I absolutely love it. So I knock on my Coaches door( We'll call her the light) and there waiting for me was a great hug. Immediately I felt like crying. Interestingly, I pick my therapist's gender depending on what my problem is. When I was dealing with the abuse of an x boyfriend, I knew my therapist had to be a male. Now thats its about my weight, I know it has to be a female. May be because somehow I feel like my weight is related with my Mother. Not that its her fault. Lets make that clear. I dont blame anyone for the state I find myself in today. I am responsible for all the late fast food runs, for the binges, for the overeating, and for the guilt. But there are people that are enablers. My Mom is my closest enabler. I know its all out of love and care. I can imagine as a mother all you want to do is take care of your children and make sure their dry, fed and loved. In my family, you never go hungry. Even when you say your not, no one believes you. LOL
Back to the Light. She's great. She explained everything to me. As far as how it works. In Coaching, I am the expert(love it). Shes not there to tell me how to fix my life. Good news, she says theres nothing to fix, because I'm not broken. I instantly cried. All my life I have never felt good enough for anyone. Always so hard on myself. I am my worst enemy. I told her about the two voices I hear, which I'm sure we all hear.(No I'm not crazy LOL) The good voice and the bad. So we named the voices. The Light and The Gremlin. By the end of the session I changed the names of my voices. The Beauty and The Beast. For the past 29 years I have lived the life of the Beast. It may be that I needed the Beast as a defense mechanism. I was very lonely as a child and very sad. The Beast helped me through it all. I will talk more about my Beauty and my Beast more in deatail in another entry. The movie has much to do with it. All Bell had to do in the movie was be beautiful. Be herself. When she finally touched the Beast and kissed him, he became a Prince.
All I know is when I left there,  Point A and Point B were very clear. Point A is today. Where I stand overweight and unhappy with how my life has turned out. My point B is not to lose 100lbs. My point B is to be my best friend. To accept myself in my entirety. Without suffering and without pain. Losing 100lbs is simply a step. I cant express the relief I felt. I felt lighter. I felt like I had a new pair of glasses on. They were some pretty cool glasses too LOL.
My homework is to try to be aware of every breath I take. To live in the NOW. To let my Beauty voice become louder. and I tell you that it has. Without effort I haven't eaten rice here. Without effort I haven't eaten desert here. Without effort I'm drinking so much more water. Without effort I went and looked at different Gyms to sign up in. Without effort I went for a long walk. I know not everything will be without effort, but Today is all that matters to me.
Thank you for reading.