Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 20

Ok Ok, so I allowed myself to fulfill a craving and ate pizza. Judge me all you want. What matters is that I was completely ok with that decision. It was delicious!!! Its interesting when you have been eating right for so long and then you eat something crappy, your body is well aware and rejects it. So my stomach isn't too happy, but I had two little slices and called it a day. It was so funny because today it was just me and my grandma and afraid of anyone coming over, she was very firm on hurrying to get rid of the box of pizza. She didn't want to get in trouble. LOL it was quite entertaining. So today is peeing day. Its going fairly well since I have this new contraption(juice jug) that is making this process much easier. No need for any kind of target practice. LOL Of course its the day I get 3 different invitations to go out and do something. of course. but didn't go anywhere in case I had to pee..then what. LOl It just re enforces my dedication I guess. It'll be good to be done with this and for Tuesday to come to know the results. and to be clear, just because I ate pizza, does not mean I am off track. Does not mean I am any less dedicated. It was a conscious decision to kill a craving after 3 weeks of hard work. Many will judge, and I'm ok with that. Just keep it to yourself. LOL Just kidding. I'm open to any judgement and criticism you guys have. I'm not on a special diet of any kind. I'm simply eating better and taking it day by day. Today was a day I chose to indulge a little and I see nothing wrong with that. You dont weigh 225 pounds because of eating pizza once in a while. You weight that much by having that horrible habit of eating it frequently. Of depending on it. of allowing it to consume you instead of you consuming it. of it being part of your daily life. Maybe this has helped me defend the decision to eat it. I'm ok with it and tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is an early day to turn in my pee sample jug and go workout. Its also a day I would like to find a scale to see if I have lost anymore. It would be great if I have. I know numbers aren't the most important thing, but I do like them since at the moment the mirror still isn't my best friend. I will say I see a sliver...sliver sliver of a loss..but not enough for me to brag about. I will say I'm proud of my efforts and I do recognize them, but I'm still my hardest critic. My clothes don't fit the same, and soon I'll be swimming in my jeans. So I'm excited that my process continues and not once have I felt off track. That was always the hard thing. To start, stay on, fall off and try to get back on...Guess the key is to not fall off..LOL so much easier said. But its a relief to feel that just because I had some pizza today, I'm actually still on track. I never fell off. Its part of my process. I'll embrace it and move on. Just as I have with all the success so far. The worst part about weight loss, or falling off track, is the guilt you feel afterwards. Overweight people thrive off guilt. One of the worst emotions to deal with. At this point, guilt is no longer part of what I feel. If I allow myself to feel guilty, it would defeit my purpose of killing that craving. Of allowing myself a little reward. No guilt here my friends. I'm proud of how far I've come and I'm super proud of where I'm headed. I thank God for the strength I wake up with everyday and for my will to move forward and to love myself a little more everyday.
Thank you for reading.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 18 & 19

These last couple days have been a little slow. Yesterday I went for a little walk, but woke up with a headache and didn't want to push it since the day before I had felt like crap after my workout. The later part of the day was good. My aunt and uncle came and picked me up and ran some errands. It was really nice to get out of the house and socialize with some family. After dinner I went out with some cousins to a friend of their's house to play Wolf. Which was a very cool game. I enjoyed meeting new people and just the new experience. I met a girl, which she will know who she is when she reads this, who was super sweet. In the car she told me that she reads my blog. I was in shock!! This is the first time that I ever met this girl, and before she even met me, she was already having an understanding of my situation and my thoughts. I'm sure my cousin introduced her to this blog, but I felt so grateful. I had wondered if people that I didn't know were reading, and I guess that answered that question. Maybe this is my meal ticket. Not speaking money wise, but just being able to reach a broader audience with my story. I think its an interesting one. My idea is to pull back some of the layers on the thoughts of someone(many people) that lives my same struggle everyday. That have the same hopes and aspirations to reach serious transformational goals. This transformation isn't all about my weight. If that were the case, maybe things would be easier. Its about facing your demons. Loving yourself. Accepting yourself. Knowing your greatness. As my friend Linda so kindly tells me, my story helps her. Shes a very  healthy person, but many of these things can apply to everyone differently. As a child, I swear there should be a class on how to love yourself. Were never taught that. and if your catholic, your almost taught that you come last. That God is first. Well I say, we are all part of God. My way of connecting to God is by bettering my relationship with myself. Which actually means, putting my needs and interests before others. Its hard to be selfish. They put such a downer on selfish. Well, I'm here to say that Selfish is a really good thing. Obviously there are limits to it all, but if your not happy, how can you truly make anyone else happy. Or how can you be happy with anyone else. Your friends, your family, your kids.....we all can see it. Perception isn't always a conscious thing. But on an emotional level, its there. Put you first, and see how the dynamic of things start to change. For the better. Boundaries? Ha, I just learned what that meant a year ago. I thought that by having no boundaries, I would be loved more. WRONG!!!! I'm more respected and loved now, with boundaries, than I have ever been. and its because its part of taking care and loving yourself. Once you do that, without anyone knowing it, people begin to change in the way they treat you. and how they look at you. Despite your beliefs, despite your religion, just know how important YOU are. Never doubt that your presence on this earth, makes an impact.
Anyways, Today I woke up sick. From the second I opened my eyes I was sneezing like a mad woman. I went through a box of kleenex in an hour. It was a horrible attack. So I've been in bed sick today. I'm much better now, but still congested. For some reason, when I'm sick, I just want comfort food. I want hot dogs, hamburgers, french fries, chocolate cake, milk shakes, pizza and anything else with fat in it..but no no no no no....Guess that means changin the meaning of what comfort food means now. So very tough. Thats it for tonight. Gonna try and sleep this cold off. I get to pee in a jar all day tomorrow. Can't tell you how excited I am for that. LOL Gnite world.
Thanks for reading

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 16&17

These last two days have been crazy workout days. I'm so soar!!!! Yesterday kicked my ass. I was drained. Not to mention I had other issues with the exams that I had to take. All that peeing in a jar for nothing. Now I have to do it all over again on Sunday. I cant tell you how excited I am for that. Not to mention the lady told me, I'm to not let one drop go. Ummmmm, really? Guys have it way way too easy. Anyways the workouts have been great and I'm still on track.

The only thing is the results will not be back until Tues, which was when the surgery was postponed to. So I called my surgeon and let him know, so were gonna aim for next Thursday, the 3rd. Obviously, all depends on these tests results. I really hope I dont have any kind of serious problem. I crave so badly to visit my Dad and that side of the family and that part of the country. There I can workout by walking the mountains and helping my dad wok on the farm. I can relax and read poolside and feel like I'm on vacation. Its such a great place visually. Its very inspiring and tranquil. I get to wake up to the sound pf peacocks crowing. Its amazing.

So these last two days have been pretty calm. Except for the fact that every muscle in my body aches. Which is great. Every time I complain about it, I remind myself it means I've done something good for Ana that day. Stretching is my friend. Been really quiet around here and the waiting is driving me a little crazy. It'll be good once its all done and I have the results so I know what the next step is. For now I continue eating right, working out and hopefully continuing to lose weight. Since I've already lost 14 pounds, I would love for next week to reach for the big 10kilos. I still cant see it and I still get frustrated while I'm working out. Especially today, because I felt nauseus and ill after working out. My body still hasn't fully adapted.  I'm impatient sometimes and I hate that I have to stop frequently to catch my breath. I know I know, its a process. But as we go along, you'll learn that I'm very hard on myself. Something I know that I need to change. I'm my own punisher. My own worst enemy. Although, thats changin quickly. Ana is starting to grow closer to Ana. But she can be stubborn and pushy sometimes...Even moody believe it or not..What can I say? The Ramirez blood runs through my veins. If you were to meet all 150 of us, youd quickly learn that many/most of us have a pretty temper. Being stubborn is genetic LOL. I must do something fun this weekend. I feel like I have been couped up in the house for too long. There's only so much reading, writing I can do. Some of the classes I want to take do not start until the 1st of the month.  So I need more human contact. I have plenty of family here so I just have to start reaching out and not let myself get so isolated. Chatted with one of my great cousins tonight and hopefully will be hanging out tomorrow night. This cousin is one of my favorite people in the world. So only this person will know when their reading it. Sshhhhh...dont tell the rest ok??!! Cant deny when people have that click where they can talk comfortably for hours. Some people just have that ability more than others. So I'm excited for that. I'll have to call my sister as well. So we can spend more time together. I'm trying to learn how to be a big sister too. Shes a controversial part of our family because she was not born within a "marriage". Yes, this society still lives by that culture standard. Shes not very involved in the family events because of that. She is my dad's daughter and he never fought hard enough to get her in. Nonetheless, she is my sister. We share blood. She has my last name. So when I can, I fight for her. I'm grateful for the cousins that do accept her as part of the family. But I'm still learning how to be there more. Making the effort and getting to know her more. She's pretty funny. and her laugh is contagious.

Things with my grandmother are still tough. I still have to take deep breaths. Some days are worse than others. More and more I feel like I need some space. I had to explain to her the other day that sometimes, I like to be alone. I love being alone actually. Which I need to be careful with. Hence the isolation. It was hard for her to understand it. I know deep down, all she wants is some company. I do my best. I go outside of my comfort zone and make the effort. Lemme tell ya, breathing is key. Anyways, I'm rambling. For not much going on, this post was way too long. Sorry if this one bored ya.
Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Day 16

Today I allowed myself to simply be. I truly have felt that the past two weeks have been so amazing and productive. I  mean I'm 14 pounds lighter, that is a pretty big step. Not to mention all the emotional and mental work I have been doing as well.

Ever try monitoring your thoughts and words? Its a pain in the ass. But if you start listening to your complaints or the way you talk about your life, see if there are any victimizing words in your speach. Most likely there is. We all do. Its unconscious. We so quickly forget how to be grateful for all the amazing blessings that we have in our lives and begin the "poor me" convo. We all can relate to that. So part of my homework is to start watching out for the things that come out of my mouth(as well as in LOL) yesterday was a perfect example. It was my little cousin's birthday and they served pizza and chocolate cake and soda "pop". MMMMM, doesnt that all sound delicious? and really, I wouldn't have a problem with just eating a little portion of each thing(except just choosing one sugar. either pop or cake...Cake it would be) but my uncle Jorge, being the amazing supporter that he is, offers me a caprese salad.(which I love anyways) But ya know, no matter how much I love caprese salad, man o man that pizza was looking and smelling sooooooooo good. Immediately, my mind went to "this is torture" "how rude of him not to offer me pizza" "I'm grown, I decide what I eat" "poor me, I'm the one on the diet" I quickly recognized the stupid convo and switched it to "mmmm this is a great salad" " my cheese is less greasier than theirs" "choosing to eat this instead of that is fulfilling" "I chose to eat this salad instead of junk for a greater purpose. For a greater purpose than a temporary craving for junk" "it is my decision to chose health over guilt" Amazingly, I ended up enjoying my dinner. This process cannot happen without a change of convo of words. This process is not meant for me to suffer or to be in pain or to cry over. Maybe to cry as a break through, but not the victim cry. This process is here for me to grow, to care for Ana, to love Ana in a way she has never been loved and in a way that only Ana can love.
"Determination weakens when the body is in pain"-My brother Juan said this to me yesterday and it was great. I think determination weakens when the body and the heart is in pain. I have carried in my heart so much pain for so many years, that I have forever felt weak. I have had temporary flashes of that kind of strength, but nothing like I do now. and as time goes on, I just get stronger and stronger. I am making the choice to heal on all levels possible and I've never felt greater, braver, stronger, wiser, lovelier.

Today I allowed myself to just be. To just relax and try and have some alone time in this house..which is impossible. So now the trick is to create that alone time, even when theres people around, so I focus on my breath, I go to my happy place and I sit..Today is my movie day. oh and my peeing in a huge jar day. What a pain. Lemme tell ya, peeing all day in a jar is an art form. One which I have perfected by now..LOL guys have it way too easy. Tomorrow I have my other blood exam and then to the gym I go. To continue on with my transformational journey..Inside and out

Today...I miss home...I miss my mom whom is so sick right now it breaks my heart. I miss my little Ari soo much. I miss Sarah and feeling her great cuddle on her great couch. I miss Erika and our movie dates.I miss Juli and Jess that have been so far from me for so so long. and I miss the newest addition, Vicky. even though I haven't met her, I miss her. and I anxiously await to meet her one day soon. I miss lunches and dinners with my family back home. Mom,Juan, Paola, Eduardo, Alejo, Shannon, Jonathan and Ela. I miss Linda and our lunch chats. I miss my Motu girls. I could really use a Motu massage!!!
For all of you, I am truly so grateful and feel so blessed to have as a part of my life.

Thank you for reading

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 15

So today were the final results of the exams and apts that I had to do before the surgery. The final words. So my uncle Guillermo came with me and we picked up my test results. Went to the anestesiologist and he cleared me for surgery. Blood pressure still a little high, but he wasn't too worried about that. Then my specialist asked me to bring him the test results for him to give the final ok. He looked at my results and found my Cortisol high. Which can be a few things. Regardless he has postponed the surgery. High Cortisol can be a tumor on a hormonal gland, can be due to my high blood pressure or it can be due to stress. Well I was for sure stressed when they took the test since I almost passed out because my veins wouldn't cooperate. But to eliminate any other concerns he thinks its best to postpone until we have the test results back. So ok. Thats that. Still in the process. I'll continue working out this week and tomorrow more blood and urine tests. Hopefully, whatever result we get, theres a good solution to it. Dr even said that this can even be the reason why I'm overweight to begin with. All I asked for is whatever is best for me. Tomorrow just wasn't my day. There are more answers to be had. and I'm at peace with that. I'll continue what I'm doing. Its working because today at the nutritionist I got weighed and I've lost another 4 kilos. So in total I have lost 14pounds!!!!! I was so excited about it. I cant see it yet. My family does a little bit, but the only thing is that I can feel it in my clothes a little bit. Other than that, me personally, haven't seen the weight loss yet. I enjoy the numbers though. Not to mention that I still feel great. I spoke to my surgeon and he said that if the test results come back ok and its a go, then the surgery will be for March 1st. It'll all depend on these results. So thats the news for today. I wont lie, theres was a tiny inch of disappointment. I was ready for something and it got canceled. I understand the reasoning and all of that, but when you look forward to something and get prepared, and it doesn't happen, I think a little disappointment is understandable. This also postpones my father's visit. and quite possibly cancels my mom's visit all together. So a few thing also go along with the cancelation of the surgery. Anyways. "Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming"
Thank you for reading
ps my grandmother just saw a tattoo of mine and asked me if I would like her to bring me her erasers so she can erase them for me. LMAO She cracks me up. She was very disappointed when I told her their permanent. LOL

Day 14

Today was a calm, nice day. Had lunch with my Uncle Guillermo and Aunt Marcela and my grandma. We went shopping for a minute and then they showed me their apartment. Which is probably where Ill stay for a little while after my mom leaves next Monday. I know I need the time and space to heal in complete quiet and tranquility. We'll see how I feel by Monday.

I've been doing awesome with my food. I set my mind to knowing things were going to start drastically changing and instantly I have been eating super small meals and filling up pretty quick. So its been good. I've been managing it well. Plus I have to drink this protein drink and its delicous!! Today(the 20th) is Camilo's Bday so we went out to a movie..Yes again..thats the best part with him. We love love the movies. I think I can stay at a movie theatre all day.

I forgot to mention the other night that I had seen a cousin that I havent seen in many years. A year ago he had the same surgery I'm about to have and he failed. Its so easy for the Drs. to show you all the great successful cases. But I felt blessed to see one that had failed. We talked for a while about it, and I was very direct with him about why he had failed. He never thought he had to take care of himself. That it would just happen like magic. The amount of food that he served himself made me uncomfortable. It was as if it was the last time he was ever going to eat. Or that his food was going to be stolen from him. It kinda broke my heart. At first he was hesitant and wouldn't admit it. He just said the surgery didn't work. By the end, he admitted that he simply hadnt done the required work. Felt bad, but at the same time no pity on someone who doesnt want to put the effort into it. So I was grateful to go into this with such a different mind set. Understanding and knowing the terms of this contract. LOL  You have to change your lifestyle. If you dont, you've wasted your time,  your money and all your efforts. I gaurantee, none of this will be a loss. All a gain. I'm so excited, theres no words really.

Tomorrow(today LOL) is a big day. Lots to get done before I am cleared for surgery. Gonna remember to stay calm, focused and stress free. Surgery is scheduled for 10am on Tuesday. So if you remember, say a little prayer for me. Or whatever it is you do when you want the best for someone you care about. Good vibes, positive energy. Call it whatever you like, I would appreciate it deeply.

Thank you for reading

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 13

So Day 13 was a great day. I had a coaching session. One of my favorites. It was concering my purpose here in life. It was probably the first time I ever meditated intentionally. It was something incredible. I traveled to something that looks similar to Big Sur, CA. Huge redwoods, river streaming through and all the noises of the amazing animals that live in that forest. I was to take a path that lead to a special place. A place that was there just for me. It looked like a valley of light. The feeling of tranquility was amazing. Every visualization I do with her, I'm to make a circle of protection. To ask that circle to protect me from any harm and for me to feel safe. I was then to call to someone to come forward to chat with. I could call Jesus, God or anyone I wanted. So I called my brother, Luis. It was simply awesome. He came to me wearing white. And he had this bright light that followed him everywhere he walked. He sat with me and held my hands. I was to start with thanking him for coming forward and then the questions began. Who am I meant to be in this world? Luis said, "Great and Amazing" What am I meant to do in this life? "to capture, to inspire and to teach" How do I achieve that? " Continue with photography and get your teaching certificate" What characteristic do I bring to my friends and families? "truth and inspiration" What do I need to continue practicing in order to achieve these things? "LOVE" I asked how are mom and Juan? "They are just fine" What about the love of my life? "This will be a good year for you" is all he said. I told him that I missed him and that I wished I would've known him more. "You know me more than you know because I live in your heart" I thanked him for sitting with me and then he got up and walked away and finally disappeared. It was so special really. I was so grateful for the vision and perspective. and for the bonding experience. It was perfect. My coach has given me so much clarity, I cant even explain. It was also helpful to re affirm that my surgery that will take place on Tuesday is truly coming from a place of love. Its not to cure my self esteem issues or the confidence within me. Its a step. Its a tool. Its a guide. Its simply part of the process, it isnt the full process. When I wake up from surgery, I will look just the same. If not a bit swollen. I'm not nervous, I dont have doubts, I'm not worried or concerned. I have 100% entrusted the Drs, my destiny and GOD that everything will go just exactly how its meant to go. The diet I've been put on for the surgery has been easy. Weirdly, I'm not hungry. I'm eating because I have to eat a little something every 2hrs but not because I feel hunger. I think its amazing what you can achieve when you put your mind to it. Your mind is powerful, we truly have no idea.
Yesterday was also spent shopping with my sister, which was great to see her. Also at night I had a family dinner where I reunited with many cousins. It was nice to be in that surrounding. To be with that much family. It was very fulfilling. I'm excited because my Dad will be coming to be with me during my surgery. He is doing something that I dont think he has ever done, which is actually be there for me. Its definitely a great feeling. I'm grateful for all the moments I have taken the time to appreciate and absorb. By focusing on the now, you truly create a nice picture to archive in your memory box. By using all of your 5 senses to embrace the moment, is something very cool.
Thank you for reading

Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 12

So last night I went to the movies with my friend Camilo and had a great time. It was "the last supper" LOL I ate a slice of pizza, popcorn and half a cup of soda(Apple Postobon). It was nothiing crazy. but I guess my body was already used to eating healthier because I have been sick all day. Literally in bed all day. With on and off stomach pain. Feel fine now. It was great to lay around after such a long week, but rather it have been volunteered and not so forced to stay in bed. I was told to take it easy these days before surgery. Especially because of my high blood pressure. So no drinking or crazy activities. I can work out but keep calm for the majority of the time. Monday will be a little crazy. Just gotta keep my nerves down though. I have to meet with the anestesiologist, nutritionist and Dr one last time. So I'll just have to breathe deep and enjoy my last day with the same stomach. Excited for tomorrow because I have an appt with my coach, get to see my sister and also a lot of my Ramirez family that I havent been able to see yet. Its my cousin Laura's birthday so were all getting together. I had homework from my coach which was to draw my future. Again, literally draw it out. I just finished it and it looks like so much fun. Lots of bright colors and lots of support around me. I even drew a skinnier body for myself. :) I'm feeling great as far the surgery. Everyone's asking me if I'm nervous. I think it'll be something similar to when I went skydiving. I was completely calm the whole time. Even when we were in the airplane. The only moment I felt any nerves, was when I was right at the edge. That very last second before you just have to jump. I guess thats what this is. I'm about to take a serious dive. and I dont think I'll feel nervous until right about time. Once their prepping me. Those last thoughts before you go under. That last prayer to God and all my fam that has passed to guide the surgeon and for all things to go exactly how their meant to go. I even have to pack a bag and everything. Weird, feels like I'm going to deliver a baby or something LOL. One day, hopefully. But first things first. To creat a good, healthy body. So thats it for now. I'll let you know how my coaching session goes.
Thank you for reading and gnite!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 11

Today is an important day. First of all, all my exams and tests and all the jazz is all done. Some good news and some so so news and then the Best news. The Good news is that my liver is not as big as it was 6 months ago. It has a little bit of fat, but I used to have a seriously fatty liver. It used to be double its size. My gal bladder does not have stones, so they do not have to remove it. All my organs look pretty good. So thats some of the good news. The so so news is that I've been diagnosed as Hypertensive. Which means I suffer from high blood pressure. Which isn't a good thing. I'll have to read up more on it, but on the path that I'm on, I shouldn't have it for much longer. Another so so news is that my body is resisting insulin, so that is the reason I have black spots forming on my neck. I never noticed it before buy my knuckles are almost black and so are my elbows. I thought that was normal haha. Well not the spots on my neck, or the crease. Its weird, it looks like I have a necklace on at all time. and my hair is short, so its not something I can hide very well. The black spots started appearing about 3 months ago. I tried scrubbing and scrubbing, but couldnt get rid of it. I remember being younger and my grandma scrubbing my elbows and hands. Which means, that for a very long time I have had this problem, and in literally 5 minutes, this Dr looked at me and told me exactly what I had. Kinda pisses me off that no other Dr ever noticed it(Juan, theres my anger again :) So he said the surgery is the best thing I can do for myself. Eventually this problem turns into Diabetes. Then we have a whole other level of serious issues. So all of this just reenforces my decision to do this. To take this step. To make this commitment to myself. I owe it to me. I deserve it! I deserve to be all one color LOL Not to mention the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that I have, which inhibits me from being able to have kids naturally and it produces facial hair that is simply unnecessary. I've had to grow some tough skin over the years. Dealing with ridiculous facial hair, which simply just isn't attractive nor comfortable. All the money and time I spent waxing is absurd.( but if you need good wax contact Saul ;) But I did what I had to in order to make it through. All in while I just kept abusing myself but would blame others for it.
For the great news: SURGERY IS ON TUESDAY FEBRUARY 22, 2011. So 5 days from today..ummmmmmmm are you serious? is this for real? can this really be? so soon? How $!@#ing great! I feel so blessed. Everything so far has pointed in the right direction. I'm very much about signs, and all the signs thus far are all green. Thank you God! The time has finally come for me to reveal to the world my strength and beauty. Its time for how I feel on the inside to match what I and the rest of you see on the outside. Because believe it or not, I actually feel beautiful. As a person, I am beautiful. I just haven't let anyone else see too much of it. Its time to let go of my fears. Why I'm so scared to show the world how great I can be on so many levels? I dont know. Why I've chosen to remain so hidden my whole life? Dont know. Guess what really matters is today. And what happens from here on out. We can all ask ourselves a million "why" questions, but unless your willing to make the commitment and mold your life to your liking, your really just having a nice ol' chat. I will say thats the beginning though. You have to question things. It means your curious. Its when you decide to live in ignorance and just let life pass, that should worry you.

There will be many changes. I'm not sure I'm aware of all of them, and I dont think I can be 100% prepared for all of them. The only thing I know is that I'm ready for this challenge. The biggest challenge in my life. Something I have suffered and endured so much pain for is about to be released from my existence forever. And not only because of this great surgical option, but because I have decided that it is more painful to stay obese and unhappy, then to take on this amazing challenge and change my life. Thats really what change is ya know? I'm ready for the hardships. The one thing I'm proud to say is that I know I cant do it alone. I finally can accept that the support of my friends and family is so important. and that its ok to ask for help. It does not make me less of a person to allow people to be there for me. I need you to be there for me. To pray for me, to send me great vibes and to believe with me that I will accomplish this. I dont think it'll be any harder than the pain I've already had to endure in my lifetime. If I can get through the loss of a sibling, abandonement issues, a distant alcoholic father and an abusive x boyfriend, I think I got this. We don't realize how strong we are as human beings. The mind is an amazing thing. Its only until we are put into situations that we think are impossible that we see our strength shine through. Well, this is my Impossible. and I just turned it into the most certain thing I know. So there. Whose to say I can't. Nobody. Only I put the limits and restriction on my greatness. Watch out world, I'm finally unlocking this ball n chain.
"If you can meet your weight goal, you can achieve everything else in life"-My great brother Juan
Thank you so much for reading. I take you all in my heart

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Day 9 & 10

So I've been exhausted these days. They've definitely been tougher. Not only to get going, but having lots of tests done and my grandmother and the working out. This morning I had some blood work done and apparently my veins are not very cooperative. They said I have skinny veins. and I say thank you! I'll take that as a compliment. LOL I have skinny something. Due to the skinny veisn, it was super difficult to get the blood going. They had to repoke a few times and poke deeper and I just wanted to punch this lady so hard. Although, probably wouldn't have done much because I was feeling extremely faint. She said all of a sudden the color in face disappeared. Uhhh, ya think?! But it got done. Got some fun bruises to show for it. Regardless of the exhaustion and weak feeling I went to the gym. Yesterday and today my trainer has kicked my ass! But I love him. We laugh a lot, which just adds to the calorie burn. I know something is happening when I'm starting to ask him for more. Its a great feeling. To make ask for a quicker treadmill pace, or 5 more reps on a set of something. It makes both him and I proud. Hes taking it somewhat easy on me because my blood pressure is still reading high. 140/90 Its annoying because I feel fine. Do people with blood pressure have any other symptoms? The only other thing may be is that I cant really sleep at night. Well once I'm asleep I'm good, but since I've gotten here I cant fall asleep before 1am. Its really annoying. Especially because these last few days I've had to get up at 7am. Tomorrow is a very long day. Appts start at 7am then have a total of 3 tomorrow. It'll be a good day to get done. Than thats it. Tomorrow I define my surgery date, which I'm really excited about. I'm ready to take that next step. Scared I am, but more excited than anything. Excited because my mom will make the trip and I'll get too see her and spend some time.
I'm actually tired so going to try to sleep. Sorry this post wasnt the more excited. Maybe you can all feel how drained I feel. After tomorrow I'll have more energy.
Thank you for reading. G'night all

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 8

Well. First off Happy Valentine's day to you all in the US. Another holiday that hallmark designed to force people to show their love for one another. Kind of against it really. Show your love daily people. If you have people in  your life, tell them and show them you love them regularly. Dont wait for a silly day to prep you for it. Theres no need to spend all the money their hoping for you to spend. Love is priceless. Even when I had a boyfriend I was not caught up on this holiday. But majority of the people are. Blah!! LOL.
Anyways, so today I had the endoscopy. The Dr gave me some good drugs and down the tube went down my throat. Umm, even drugged, its not the most pleasant of things. He said everything looks good. Also had the electrocardiogram done. It was productive. My Dr is ready to set a date for the surgery. Which is pretty exciting. Tomorrow I'll get all my blood work done and Wed I'm going to see a 2nd Dr just to confirm that the Dr I have now, is my guy. Normally I'm impulsive and go with my first instinct, but I lose nothing by going to see this other guy. This week is full of appointments. I also had my 2nd appointment with my Coach. It was actually pretty tough. We did a visualization where I literally travel back to my first memory of life and then watch myself grow up. So I had to pay attention to what was going on, to how I felt and how others felt about me. There was a lot of crying going on. By the end of it all she made me literally take crayons and draw the stages of my life. The majority has been very dark and sad. I always felt like a little girl jumping up and down with my hand up for you too see me. For someone to see me. For someone to talk to me, to hug me, to let me know everything was going to be ok. I've had great moments of my life, but by the time my drawing was done, I realized I am a survivor. A survivor of a childhood cut short. A survivor of abandonment. Just because people are around you, does not mean you dont feel alone. If your never acknowledged and feel rejected, it doesn't matter how many people are in the room. I was a nuisance to my brothers. I was not included in anything because I was so little. As an adult I understand that, but as a child I lived very confused and just thought they didn't like me. I remember they used to work out and put oil on  and would video tape themselves flexing to Poison's, "Poor Some Sugar On Me" LOL it was great. All you see is me in the background doing jumping jacks, doing whatever it is I could, to be a part of something.  When I was 8 my brother Luis went into a coma for a long time and obviously, the focus was on him. As an adult I get it. Duh, I mean he was in a coma for 6 years, but I can distinctly remember the day of his accident me feeling like my life would forever be different. It was hard for all of us. I'm not saying I'm the only victim here, but my at that point I went into defense mode and used the "Beast" to get me through what I needed. To create a comfort within my chaos. Food was my comfort. Food never rejected me. Food never judged me. But I had to grow up way too fast. It was a completely normal thing to go to the hospital every weekend to visit him. To spend weekends in a hospital and wait. and hope and pray. In the meanwhile, very confused. My way of coping was being involved as much as possible. I'd help him in the hospital when I could. and when my mom got in her car accident 4 months after Luis's, I took care of her. At the age of 8, I was helping my mom bathe because she had a leg that was shattered in 32 pieces. All of this toughened my skin as needed. Now its literally time to delayer. Makes sense because I'm so sensitive now. Now that I'm allowing my feelings to surface, I realize how sensitive my heart is.

Also a lot of the things we search for so dearly in life are not that far away. We depend on exterior things to make us happy, when all you have to do is look inside. How great! Just start listening to yourself and hearing what kind of friend  you are to you. You would be surprised on what type of conversations you have with yourself. and hurtful you can be to the being that SHOULD be most important in your life. Catholics believe God or Jesus has to come first in your life. I say my way of becoming closer to God is by becoming closer to myself. To love myself more is to love God more. Guess it all depends on what you believe.
My coach says that you attract people in your life for a certain reason. Everyone you come into contact with is there to show you a reflection of yourself. In terms of my grandmother, as I already knew she would be my teacher of patience. But the point is that she is here to show me how impatient I am with myself. and how rude and aggressive I can be with Ana. Knowing that, Today I will have more love and compassion for my grandmother. She challenges me by the second to have more patience with Ana. By doing so, I will have more patience with her. Same with my x abuser. He came into my life to shine light on the abuse I was having on myself. To me, by me. I don't need him to feel abused. I was doing it to myself on a daily basis by overeating and by eating crap. He also shined the light on my lack of relationship with my father. I can only be grateful for the experience I had with him. It was very painful, but in the end so many lessons came out of it. I can finally say I have a relationship with my Dad. We can't control what happens in our lives, traumatic things happen every day and your life can change in an instant. But we can control how we react to it. Our main challenge in every obstacle, is ourselves.
Thank you for reading

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day 7

This morning had to wake up at 9am to get ready to go to a country club my uncle belongs to. My aunt Sandra and I took a dance class and it was awesome.(similar to zumba, but called Rumba. Translation is awesome party) The elevation is still bothering me but it was great to go and dance for a while. Then got my nails done, which is dirt cheap here. For my nails and eyebrows I paid around $9.00. Its ridiculous. We had lunch and it was a relaxing day.
The highlight of my day came tonight when I checked my facebook and an old friend wrote saying that she has been reading my blog and that I've inspired her to be a healthier. Not only healthier, but to start loving herself. It made me cry. Could it be that this blog can have that much influence? How amazing would that be. Really I guess it already has. If I can inspire just one person to stop and think about how much they actually love themselves, my vulnerablility and time has all been worth it. I feel like everyone should have a blog or a book. You never know when your story can touch someone. Sometimes you realize how strong people are or how good you have it. We all have something to complain about in our lives, but sometimes by listenging to someone else's story we tend to shut up and just be grateful for all the amazing things we have in our lives.
So tomorrow I'm having an endoscopy done. Not sure if that is the translation. But their going to put a tube down my throat(while sedated) to take a look at my stomache, gal bladder and liver. A little nervous about it. Not sure why, just am. Guess I dont like the idea of a tube being stuck down my throat, but definitely glad I'm knocked out for it. Then I have my first follow up coaching session. Very excited about that. Should be very interesting. I'll let you know how it goes. Ok folks. Thats all for now. I'll have more tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. and the next.
Thank you for reading

Day 6

So it turned out to be a great weekend. Saw family I hadn't seen in months and met new people as well. Meeting new people here is always a little scary for me. I get very self conscious and actually prefer to stay home, where its safe and comfortable. I used to be a very shy person. I used to pray the teacher would never call on me in class. I never wanted anyone to look at me. Maybe thats why I have physically created layers to hide who "Ana" is. Well many times over and over again I have proved that no matter how many layers, "Ana" comes out no matter what. LOL. When I started photography I would go to plenty of marketing meeting where I didn't know one person. Such torture! The only way I would get through it is by taking a deep breathe and just saying, "I'll just pretend". So by pretending to not be a shy person, I actually eventually turned into a pretty outgoing person. I don't stay quiet for long as many of you may know. I'll tell you my life story in an hour if you really wanna hear it. I'm an open book. Hence this blog. It took a minute to decide how "raw" I was going to be in this blog. It puts me in a very vulnerable place. Being overweight is one of the hardest things to be. To all my fellow overweight people, I know it takes a certain amount of strength to get up in the morning, shower, brush your teeth, do your hair and makeup and look in the mirror and be displeased with what you see. Then you go to work or whatever it is and try to be successful at it. I swear everything is harder for an overweight person. Not just the physical aspect of things. So much more the emotional barriers that we create for ourselves.
So going back to meeting new people last night. I truly take joy in watching myself grow. Part of growing is putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. You dont grow by standing in the same place. Next time you feel uncomfortable, embrace it. It means your about to learn something. Same thing with being confused. So I met three guys. Three Colombian guys. and the first thing I start to think is "suck your tummy in", "sit and stand straight", "try not to look down cuz your double chin comes out". Not to mention I'm playing video games, which I'm horrible at. So I did what I do best, I pretended. I pretended as if none of that mattered. I pretended to be just like everyone else. I pretended to be that thin, healthy person that I'm aspiring to be. I loved every minute of it. Half hour into the night, I was losing the video games, but I played and I laughed about it. I took deep breaths and simply asked for "Ana" to come out and hang for a bit. To let people see the side of me that makes me great. That makes me likeable. Its funny how you can make people comfortable simply by smiling and laughing. I ended up singing karoake(which I've never done in my life) and dancing until 1am. I drank a little, but stopped before I got typys, so I couldn't even give the alcohol the credit for having a great evening. It was all me. I allowed myself to come out of my shell and just be me. By doing so, I was liked. I tried leaving like 2 times, and they wouldn't let me. It was a great feeling to have perfect strangers want me around. It was a huge step.
Thank you for reading

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 5-Drs appointment

So I'm a day late. First off thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment. It feels so awesome to read all the comments. From the bottom of my soul, I truly appreciate it.

So yesterday was my first Dr's appointment and I've already lost 3kilos. Which turns into about 6pounds. And thats in about 2 weeks. At least thats when I last weighed myself at my bestie, Sarah's house on her fancy scale. So heading in the right direction. The day I actually notice something will be a fun post. So far everything looks the same, but I must admit everything feels different. At the end of the day, thats what I'm looking for. Obviously,  I want to lose weight, but the main reason we all want to lose weight is to feel good. To feel motivated, to feel accepted, to feel loved, to feel admired, to feel stared at for the right reasons, not the wrong. Especially here in Colombia, people are extremly critical of overweight people. I get starred at, I here the sly remarks on the street as I walk my happy ass to the gym. Guess what? I dont give a shit!! Feels good to be open with my family about my weight. As a child it wasn't easy. With family nor friends. I have very painful memories, where my family at the dinner table would skip me for the food. Usually you pass the food to the next person, and I got skipped. As if starving myself was the answer. I was only 9. Going through really hard times, and all I wanted to do was eat. But I got skipped. No wonder I would eat late nights alone. No wonder I became a person that would wait for everyone to go to sleep so I can sneak out and nibble on something delicious. But thats all changed. Now I'm looking at Colombia as an opportunity instead of something to be fearful of. I feel like I face my fears everyday. Last night talking to my mom until 230am after a late movie with Camilo, we discussed how it was only day 5 and so much has happened. I feel so different. I feel great! Most of all, I feel accepted by me, therefore everyone else accepts me to. They can see my determination, they see my strength. So up to this point no one is daring to challenge me on how I look, instead they are embracing me as an important, mature person. I'm not that little girl anymore. I will defend myself. I will win too. LOL. And guess what,  I will steal back that damn plate that skips me. I deserve to eat whatever I want. The great part is that what I want these days, are healthier things. So its a win win situation.
Ok so Dr appt went great. hes an amazing guy. Very calm and awesome energy. It seems like surgery is in play. It may happen as soon as 10 days from now. I will be having the Gastric Sleeve its called. Not as drastic as the bypass and a little stronger than the lap band. Some may be very skeptical about all of this and I get it. I'll accept any criticism about it. But guess what? I'm the one that has to walk in these shoes. I'm the one that has to live in this skin. I want a healthy life. The surgery is simply a tool. It is not my solution. I dont believe in magical surgeries. I still have to put 80% of the effort. and I'm prepared to sweat tears an cry blood for it. I'll keep you posted. Now going to eat an amzing lunch with my family.
Thank you for reading today.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 4- workout day 1

Man oh Man. Feeling really crappy right now. My poor body. Makes me so sad that I have abused this body for so many years. So much that on my first day of working out with a trainer, I feel like I can pass out. I'm sure its a combo of things. The elevation(8,500 above sea level) and probably mainly the fact that I haven't worked out in over a year. I cried walking home. I can remember even being a little heavy and being able to workout and loving it. I can feel my body tingling so I know its happy, but I had to cry it out in on my walk home and in the shower. The gym is literally 5 blocks away, so I walk there and I walk back. I almost had to take a taxi home. So damn weak. My blood pressure just dropped to the floor. Wanting to throw up and needing to take it slow and have a seat a couple times, but I made it home.
Although I feel crappy, I'm proud of myself. I started an aspect of my life that I want to excel at. I wanna be awesome at working out. I can't wait to see the results. Even just not being so out of breathe or being able to push myself more and more. Not to mention that I also signed up for these special massages, which is specifically for weight loss. Ummmm, ouch!!!! They literally take your fat and try to rub it out. I wanted to punch this lady in the face lol. She also rubbed this oil on me and wrapped me in seran wrap. Yea I said it, seran wrap. It was so interesting. Then I lay down and she puts all these heated blankets on me so that I sweat like a madwoman. Even though it hurt and It makes me wanna hurt her, I'll be back tomorrow. LOL.
Anyways, my trainer is awesome. His name is Fabian and super supportive and understanding. I even got the compliment that everything he made me do, was in perfect form. He says he can tell I've worked out before. I know my body will catch on quickly. This is something I want to be addicted to. I wanna crave it. If I'm going to be addicted to anything, might as well be something that'll keep me in shape, LOL.
On a fun note, last night I reunited with my amazing friend, Camilo. We walked and walked and talked and talked. Even though it was raining. It didn't really matter. We just kept walking. It was great. I think he will be my main companion and "escape", while I'm here. Today I ate lunch with my cousin Laura and my aunt Carmenza. I only had a few potatoes and the protein. Even thought they had rice and french fries. I said, " No Thank You!" I realize I am getting fuller faster. Really, I feel like its all in my head. I'm hungry at night, but I deal with it. Just because your brain sends the signal to your body that your hungry, doesn't mean you need to act on it. Thats the Beast talking to me. And these days I'm trying to bring out my Bell Beauty. So I go to sleep hungry, but I know that I'm nourished. Learning how to use food for its simple purpose, not abuse it. Unfortunately we need food to live. If I was addicted to Heroin or Coke or Cigarettes, I can leave them alone 100% and never have them in my life again. But food, you need. What an irony.
I miss my Mom. and I know shes with me everyday, but I miss seeing her smile and feeling her hug. and damn, its only day 4. My poor grandma is driving me crazy today. I literally get asked the same question about 15 times. Makes me wanna scream. All I can say is that by the end of it, I will be so much more of a patient person. She is my teacher.
Ok, I'm gonna go eat a little something and lay in bed with her watching TV. This morning we spent it reading in her bed. I started Pride and Prejudice, given to me by my sis-in-law.(another great supporter)
Oh also, my Dad calls me everyday. It fulfills me on a level I cant even explain. For this first time in my life, my Dad calls me everyday and I love it. So in love with the idea of becoming closer and closer to him.
Thank you guys for the great comments. I changed my settings so now anyone can comment without needing to be a google user or whatever.
Love n miss you guys back home. For those of you here with me, I'll see you soon.
Thank you for reading

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 3

Hello all,
Today is a bit weird. I couldn't sleep last night until 1am. My grandmother had a Dimensia attack and was very confused and aggressive. She was crying and yelling and I had to calm her down. So today, I'm super tired. So I'll be honest and say that I ate breakfast at 11am. Way too late because lunch is at 130pm. So I feel weird today. I feel off. Like I cant get it together right. I know I'll go for a walk today, but I have a family event at 5pm. I set up a personal training appointment tomorrow at 4pm. So excited! Not to mention I have this blog now. Yes, I'm sure you saw I wrote Day 1, 2 & 3 all in one day. Whatever right? I kept it all seperate in my mind for a reason. LOL. Today will be short. Just wanted to share that today is with effort. As expected. But I'm still motivated. I'm still dedicated. I can feel it. It feels very different from being home. Some may ask why I had to fly 1,000 miles to fly to do all of this. It was all symbolic for me. Flying in the plane to come here, was as if I was leaving it all behind. Letting go of whatever it is I feel so afraid of by losing my weight. My weight has been my coping mechanism during hard times. In times of lonliness and in times of depression. Food has been my friend. More of a trader really. Its deceived me in many occasions. So rude. LOL. So its more about becoming aware and taking control of myself. Being aware of my breathing has been helpful.
My uncle Guillermo(William) is here now and he is so cute. He pulled out pen and paper to start a grocery list of healthy foods that we have to buy.
My last thought for today is how grateful I am to feel so much love and support from my family and friends. Its simply amazing. I am truly blessed and will forever be in debt to all of my friends and family for all the overwhelming feeling of LOVE. I love you all unconditionally.
Thank you for reading.

Day 2

This morning was rough. Had visitors last night until 11pm and I was exhausted. I'm assuming from the trip. I had my first Coaching today at 10am. A normal thing for me would be to call and ask if there was a later time to reschedule. But no, I got up, got ready, grabbed a taxi and went to my appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had spent plenty of years in Psychology sessions, but since this isn't a psychology sessions, wasn't really sure. I just knew I had to talk. I knew I needed someone to listen. Someone who wasn't involved in my personal life. Someone who didn't have their personal opinions on my situation. If you've ever though of the possiblity of attending any type of thereapy session, I recommend it. You may have to jump around sometimes until you find the right fit, but its so worth it. I'm a talker so I absolutely love it. So I knock on my Coaches door( We'll call her the light) and there waiting for me was a great hug. Immediately I felt like crying. Interestingly, I pick my therapist's gender depending on what my problem is. When I was dealing with the abuse of an x boyfriend, I knew my therapist had to be a male. Now thats its about my weight, I know it has to be a female. May be because somehow I feel like my weight is related with my Mother. Not that its her fault. Lets make that clear. I dont blame anyone for the state I find myself in today. I am responsible for all the late fast food runs, for the binges, for the overeating, and for the guilt. But there are people that are enablers. My Mom is my closest enabler. I know its all out of love and care. I can imagine as a mother all you want to do is take care of your children and make sure their dry, fed and loved. In my family, you never go hungry. Even when you say your not, no one believes you. LOL
Back to the Light. She's great. She explained everything to me. As far as how it works. In Coaching, I am the expert(love it). Shes not there to tell me how to fix my life. Good news, she says theres nothing to fix, because I'm not broken. I instantly cried. All my life I have never felt good enough for anyone. Always so hard on myself. I am my worst enemy. I told her about the two voices I hear, which I'm sure we all hear.(No I'm not crazy LOL) The good voice and the bad. So we named the voices. The Light and The Gremlin. By the end of the session I changed the names of my voices. The Beauty and The Beast. For the past 29 years I have lived the life of the Beast. It may be that I needed the Beast as a defense mechanism. I was very lonely as a child and very sad. The Beast helped me through it all. I will talk more about my Beauty and my Beast more in deatail in another entry. The movie has much to do with it. All Bell had to do in the movie was be beautiful. Be herself. When she finally touched the Beast and kissed him, he became a Prince.
All I know is when I left there,  Point A and Point B were very clear. Point A is today. Where I stand overweight and unhappy with how my life has turned out. My point B is not to lose 100lbs. My point B is to be my best friend. To accept myself in my entirety. Without suffering and without pain. Losing 100lbs is simply a step. I cant express the relief I felt. I felt lighter. I felt like I had a new pair of glasses on. They were some pretty cool glasses too LOL.
My homework is to try to be aware of every breath I take. To live in the NOW. To let my Beauty voice become louder. and I tell you that it has. Without effort I haven't eaten rice here. Without effort I haven't eaten desert here. Without effort I'm drinking so much more water. Without effort I went and looked at different Gyms to sign up in. Without effort I went for a long walk. I know not everything will be without effort, but Today is all that matters to me.
Thank you for reading.

Day 1

So here I am. Thousands of miles away from what is my "comfort zone". Here to share my difficult and exciting journey with all of you. Whoever may be the ones to read this. I promise to be as honest and raw with every entry that comes.
My name is Ana and I'm 29 years old. I have been overweight since about the age of of 8 or so. I have struggled with hundreds of crazy diets that have never worked. If they worked they were always temporary. What's a diet anyways? In my mind a diet is something that dramatically changes your eating habits. There is a beginning and theres always an end. No wonder they don't work for everyone. You hope that through the diet, you learn new habits and eventually catch on to them so when the diet "ends", you have aquired a new way of eating. In the meanwhile dealing with suffering and torture because all you can think about is that damn chocolate cake you crave for so much, or the taste of warm bread in your mouth. However "bad" those foods are, they bring so much pleasure. This has never worked for me. Thats why, sadly, I sit here typing weighing 222.5lbs. I cant believe I just wrote those numbers. I'm 4'11 so I'm very short. My body is not equipped to carry around so much weight. I promised myself I would never weigh this much. I've broken many promises to myself. Interestingly though, if you were my best friend, I'd keepy any promise. So maybe thats it. I'm not my own best friend. Is that the solution to it all? To fall in love with Ana? To become someone I adore as I do to my friends and family. Have more respect for myself as I also do with friends and family. I'm excited to find out.
So I live in Chicago, but received an offer I couldn't refuse. On Dec 25th, 2010 my mom, brother and sister-in-law sat me down and told me that my whole family had come together to provide me with any and all of the support necessary to finally reach my healthy weight goals.(Which is 120lbs) All of my family including all of my loved ones in Colombia, South America. Where the majority of my family, including my Dad, lives. Here was the offer: To fly to Colombia for approximately 3 months to focus on weight loss. Including gym subscription, nutritionist, extra classes such as yoga, dance and pilates, as well a Coach. A coach is not psychologist, not a therapist, not an analyzer. More of a guide, a support, a listener, a friend. Also in the offer was weight loss surgery. I have an aunt who had the Gastric Bypass who in a year lost around 140lbs. She looks amazing. The surgery was always something very controversial for me and I was always against it. Until now. Sometimes educating yourself on things is all it takes to change your opinion. Or someone's great story. I always considered it "the easy way out".  Easy for some reason was never attractive. Somehow suffering and torture always had to be part of the mix. I think us as humans, we have this need to feel pain. If we dont feel pain it just doesnt mean as much. Let me tell you, PAIN, I know very well. I've come face to face with it many and many and many times again. I've taken steps by doing so, but its never brought me true satisfaction. To get through the pain is amazing. But my new perspective is that not everything great in life has to hurt so badly.
So here I am. In my grandmother's living room in Colombia. A month and some change after the offer was put on the table. I'm here. I'm dedicated. and I'm sharing it with you.
Thank you for reading.