Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day 123

Today is a great, gloomy day. Crazy thunderstorms. Love it. I felt compelled to write as well as actually having the time, so here I am. I have been so busy lately. Photography is picking up and I feel greatly motivated to get this business of the ground. My year has been great so far, that I figured lets make this a complete package deal. To continue putting efforts into parts of my life that I want developed. Its amazing how fulfilling photography is for me. Maybe my brother disagrees because of the lack of pics on this blog lol. My blog is like my diary. So, theres not always pictures. Theres no pictures in a book, is there? You create them. Maybe the message is that my writing isnt that good so give me something

Lately, so many things fulfill me. I'm more easily fulfilled. lol Its more natural. I love where I am. I finally received the settlement from my car accident that happened almost two years ago. I feel so blessed. I just paid my name off...I dont owe money to anybodyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! Its such an amazing feeling. I feel clean. Like I just showered. lol So now I'm in the works of looking for a new car. Which is also a huge blessing. Things are happening and its awesome to witness.

My relationships with people have changed. I have truly enjoyed living that. People treat me differently, which is something I used to observe before as well. 63lbs ago, people wouldn't make eye contact with me. In gatherings or events, sometimes not even talk to me. Meet me 10 times and still say, "Nice to meet you". Its a bit different now. Its a different feeling and I take it as genuine. Our presence in this world makes an impact in everything. Including people's behaviors and thoughts. Its totally up to you what kind of impact you chose to reflect. I'm more approachable. Not as gaurded. I feel no need to defend myself anymore, because I feel as if I'm enough. So the need to prove to everyone that I'm worthy has disappeared. That to me, equals freedom.

Thank you for reading.

My beautiful family. My biggest support. 

My mom and I. LUMTT

Princess Ari.

Ani and Ari.

My friend Jenny and I at a wedding.

Here I am. Yes, I'm in a barn.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Day 104

An exact month has passed since I have last written. So much has happened. So much has changed. It is such a relief to see that I have really made important changes. That they stuck. That everything I learned while I was away from home, has become a habit. For the first time in my life, I am accomplishing goals. For the first time, I'm giving it much effort and getting somewhere. Seeing results. Feeling amazing. The biggest and most appreciated comment that I have received is that I look happy and healthy. Of course people notice the lack of mass, but its honestly so much more than that. I feel it and I live it, therefore it is reflected and its recognized. I have never been this content with myself and with my life. Even though the level of obstacles hasn't really changed, I have changed my way of dealing with them and overcoming them. I cannot really explain my gratitude for how I feel today. I have worked hard on all levels and it shows. I can do so many more things that I was very restricted from before. Things as simple as crossing my legs to certain stretches at the gym, as serious as breathing and having so much more energy. Its incredible to witness. I feel blessed and honored to be on this path and growing in such an great way. This process is amazing. For the first time, I see the end of the tunnel and it is not too far away. I can see so many great things coming my way and I feel ready for them. I will continue to embrace it, every step of the way.
Thank you for reading.

This is me at my half way point!!! Today, I have officially lost 60lbs, 30kilos. This image was 6lbs ago.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 71-74

So its been a week back home and I feel much more settled. I'm finding it harder and harder to write. To stop things and sit down and write. But its crazy, even though I go a couple of days without writing, I think about it all the time. Making mental notes of things I want to make sure I share with you. So being home has been great. I made the list and did all the groceries I want and need for myself. I have been working on organizing my clothes. Getting rid of clothes that dont fit and taking out old clothes that didnt fit before and need to see where I stand with them. Now that warm weather is supposed to be coming soo, I'm excited to strut clothes I haven't been able to. So I totally went back on my word and weighed myself. I was very happy with the numbers but for right now I will not be sharing where I stand with my weight loss. An important mile stone is very close and when I reach it, I will share that with you. I was able to find a gym with a pool at a really good price. Excitingly, its the same gym as my brothers. So from time to time, we will be able to go together. I'm sure as I go along, I could use his helping hand. It is also the same as Sarah's gym, which is great for when I'm at her place. I've mentioned before that I know the more support I have, the better.  I have lost a significant amount of weight and everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I giggle. I think part of it is out of delight and another part is out of disbelief that this is how I look now. Regardless, it makes me giggle and I enjoy it. But I'm also noticing that my skin is a bit flabby, and that is the opposite of what I'm aiming for. I can tell the difference now between just skin and fat. It feels different. Sometimes I think I have new skin all together, so sometimes it feels very  new.  So that tellsts also me that I need more gym time. Excited to start swimming soon and to start some sort of dancing classes. I bought a huge eraser board to hang in my room so I can write all the amazing things I want to do. Short term and long term. One of them is to find a stable to volunteer at. I have a serious adoration for horses and a wise friend told me that I need to learn how to speak "horse" This wise friend also inspired the huge eraser board. Something you constantly look at and update. Something to constantly remind me of the things I'm striving for and towards. I'm also interested in learning a new language. Possibly Italian or German. We'll see.
Everything with the food has been going good. Totally on a seafood kick right now. Loving tuna, crab, fish and shrimp. Turkey is the only meat I'm eating right now. Its so funny. I go through serious food phases. I think I'm ready for sushi. I haven't had sushi in about 5 years and I'm starting to crave it. When I lived in California, I ate it all the time. When I moved, I stopped. So I go through weird phases of foods I love and cant live without and food I cannot even think about without gagging. So weird.
I have had great reunions since I got back and everybody's reaction has been so great. There was a point where I would reject compliments, now I'm all about accepting them. Its nice to come back and truly feel like a different person and also be perceived in that way as well. Definitely a break through.
I miss my family in Colombia. Miss their presence. Altough being home is amazing, the daily obstacles dont seem to disappear. Co-living with people is simply not easy. I cannot wait for the day that I can live alone and independant. Living at home with my mom and step dad in the end is a huge help and a blessing, but its not easy. I have to work hard mentally to keep the peace within my mind. My favorite mantra has been extremely helpful. "Nobody nor nothing can take  the peace, that I have decided to create for myself, away....unless I allow them/it to". It definitely helps in challenging moments. I know it is not correct grammar, but I translated. I repeat half in Spanish and half in English, LOL
My mom is throwing me a "Welcome Home" lunch on Saturday. Looking forward to it because I will see more family and friends that I haven't been able to see. I'm on a mission to see the people I want while I'm not working yet. They are waiting for a release from my Dr in order to allow me to begin working. I cannot wait to start working. Hopefully sometime next week is possible. I'm with Sarah these next couple of days, helping her watch the little one. Lil Ari is my favorite.
Last note, my mind, heart and body are still alligned. Every day I wake up and ask myself, am I balanced? I am fully aware that if I'm feeling down, it will reflect in all areas. So I work hard to switch whatever thought process might be causing the negative feelings in order to keep that "balance". Its everything.
Thank you for reading.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Day 68-70

So I think that every muscle in my body is aching right now. Sarah invited me to workout with her pesonal trainer and she kicked our asses. Can barely move today, but I love it. We did some kick boxing and I think I would really like to get into that. Its definitely feels like a good outlet for aggression. Had a great time envisioning that I was kicking my fat in the face, LOL. I felt my blood pressure dropping a little but was able to recuperate pretty quickly. A good sign. I wish Sarah and I lived closer. It would be so great to be partners. Were good partners. I think that having a partner can be extremely beneficial. Not only do you already have that comittment with yourself but with someone else, which can be a good push sometimes. Unfortunately, we live an hour  apart. I try to see her every weekend. We want to start walking marathons. But not official marathons. Just picking certain days, and walking a 3 1/2 mile walk. Maybe there is even a way to involve a charity into that. It can turn into something pretty cool. You have to pay to walk marathons, and we want something where it can benefit everyone without having that entrance fee. This is all Sarah's idea by the way. I liked it, and I told her I'm in. I also need to find a pool to join. I need to continue with that because I miss it. Besides the fact that its an amazing workout.

In about an hour is my reunion with my mom. I cant even explain how excited I am. The biggest moment I have been waiting for. She is the cutest person I know. She told me the other day that I have to tell her what to change. I said that I can't. Its really a process. and truly I believe, she shouldn't. Its me that has changed, and as we go she will find out where I've changed and how to manage it. You can't ever expect people to change. I've made the changes that I need and now its time to show my household, how I work. I'm excited to get home and plan out my week of meals. I'm excited to make my shopping list and go shopping with her. I've also decided that I want to change my room a bit. I dont want to come home to the same room, because I am different. We're going to IKEA because she wanted to have a full body mirror as a surprise. She is too cute. I love it. I also want to buy a big dry eraser board to hang on my wall. My board of Happiness. I want to fill it with different mantras to repeat, pics of people I love, cut outs of what I want my life to be. Of what my dreams are and the steps I need to take to get there. So a mix of images and writing that I can look at every day to remind me of how far I have come and where it is exactly that I would like to go. I also want to change the colors around a bit. I dont want to paint because that is a bit drastic. But they sometimes use curtains to change the color of a wall. I'm thinking teal is my new color. It has been red for so long and I think its time for a change. Teal is very much a part of the peacock and I have so many amazing images of peacocks from Castalia that it would be so easy to decorate with. Its such a beautiful color and for some reason its sticking with me. For me, its definitely new. When I pain my  nails its usually, purple, pinks. I was getting a manicure and saw the Teal, and immediately went for it. Absolutely love it!! So hopefully we will find some cute stuff today. New things for my enviornment. I want to surround myself with things that make me happy. That includes people too.
So I'm very excited for today. I think it will be productive and another day full of love. Hopefully I will see more family and friends very soon. But first, its me. I need to feel settled and organized. This week. It'll all fall into place as it should.
Thank you for reading

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 66 & 67

So my last day in Miami was my favorite. I got to spend time with my friend Julio, which is always so inspiring. We ate at a great restaurant on the bay, then went to the beach and talked about life. Catching up. He had great advice for the goals that I want to achieve. He is living many of his dreams and its so great to see. I realize that there are certain people that you have in your life that blow your mind away. What a blessing that is. To have people living on the same parallel as you, is not always easy to find. So many of us may talk in English, but do not always speak the same language. I've been fortunate and have found a handful of people that challenge my wisdom and school me. I truly believe that the next man in my life, has to challenge me mentally and spiritually. There is literally like a click that happens for me when I come in contact with people that are on my same vibrational level. Its  comforting!
All in all, Miami was a perfect trip. Going to the beach never seems enough though. Being on the beach and in the ocean is an intense feeling of connection to love. Hard to describe.  I love it there. I am now back in Chicago. Back home. Staying with my BFF Sarah and her family for now until Sunday. That reunion was just so amazing. Sarah and I are very connected and we share many similar body image concerns. Today we started to touch the subject about how we need to be better examples for one another. She has been amazed with my weight loss. I catch her staring at me, and its so cute. When I first came in, she was quiet. Maybe shock? Or just absorbing it all. The fact that I was back and that I look very different then from when I left. In the end, my message is that if I can do it, anybody can really. But it takes some digging. Its not the surgery that fixes everything. I started losing weight the minute I landed in Colombia. I have accepted that this is a process that I cannot do alone. You need a good support group. Obviously your number one is you, but you need those people you can rely on when your feeling weak or discouraged. I also think that you need the professional support. Drs, nutritionist, councelor, coach, etc. Whatever helps you educate yourself on your situation is beneficial. I think were way too close to always have the answers for our own issues. I'm awesome at giving advice and knowing what to say for others, but sometimes when it comes to me, I'm lost. An outside perspective can change things drastically. Trust me, I know what it feels like to simply take up space in this world, but I am a living example of what transformation really means. I didn't just lose weight in Colombia, I made serious changes. I can say that I feel happy. That I am happy. I feel in control. I faced many of my fears and I continue to do that daily. That in itself is an act of faith. Fear controls the majority of our lives, and to begin facing them, creates room for more growth and love. Without love, you have fear.
The food has been going good here. Portions are still small and frequent. I haven't worked out these couple days. I have been so exhausted from the trip. Tomorrow Sarah and I will be going to her trainer together, so that will be fun. A good start to the workout routine. I look forward to finally getting to my house and seeing my mom. Settling in, unpacking. I get to go through my whole wardrobe and see what no longer fits me. I also have old clothes that I never let go of for the day that I lost weight. So I'm excited to go through them and see what new articles of clothing I can add to my closet once again. It will be interesting to start seeing people that I havent seen in two months. Receiving the praise and compliments is new and I'm enjoyin it. I used to reject them in my mind, and now I feel myself accepting them and much more open to hearing other people start to recognize what I've been working so hard for. Being back is a familiar feeling, but thankfully, I'm still a changed Ana. Still confident, strong and determined.
Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 62-65

I love Miami so much. Makes me happy. Its definitely been a nice transition back into the US. I've been to the beach, spending time with family and also with friends. Its kind of weird being back in the US. So far, I've stuck to my habits. I still feel great. My walks have been happening at night with my aunt, which is great. The weather here is perfect. Well today was a bit hot, 93, but evenings are great. The breeze is so affectionate and the heat has felt great. To feel the salt water on my skin and sand on my feet has been a great treat. So years ago when I lived here, my life was pretty crazy. I think it was my first phase into having any kind of self esteem and self confidence. It was a crazy time in my life and loved every minute of it. It was a bit of a partying point in my life. Sex and drugs were very familiar to me. Never truly in abusive manners. My mom was out of town a lot, and our apartment was literally right on the beach. Those were really good days. From that time, I've made life long friends. I love having friends from a certain point in time because they get to witness a significant amount of growth in me. My cousin told me the other day how great I look and that its not just the weight loss, but that I really look happy. My response was, "I am"! Not sure if I have ever felt this happy, for this long at a time. I'm grateful.

I'm excited to get back to Chicago. Start a routine. I've been doing my best at keeping it here, but its difficult when your not in your own home. Today is technically my last day because I leave super early tomorrow. Cannot wait to hug my dear friends again. I'll see my mom on Sunday. That will be a very sweet reunion, that I truly look forward to. One thing for sure is that being far helps you have a whole new appreciation for the people you see everyday or regularly. Its trying to remember that once things return to normal again, to keep that appreciation present. Its hard to do. Being in Miami makes me want to live here for a while. Its so full of nature and tropical energy, that I'm always smiling. To have the option to go take a swim in the ocean, is just therapeutic. Feels so healthy. Makes me wanna do yoga and eat carrots. LOL Who knows what the future holds, but it is an option that I've been contemplating. I was expressing some concerns about future options and my mom kinda laughs and said, "We are all naive to think that we have some kind of control in our lives." I loved it. The process of actually just trusting life and having faith is so so powerful. I know I deserve great things. I've put a lot in to life. I get so worked up about the next step, that a lot of the time theres so much to learn in the NOW, and sometimes I miss it. But things repeat themselves until you learn what you need from them, and move on to the next lesson. So trusting God, the universe and in my karma is my new practice. Here are some pics from my stay here. Dont have too many but they make me happy.
Thank you for reading

Staycy, cousin Erika and I at the beach. 

I was here

My favorite causeway 195. Surrounded by beauty, even in  traffic

My cousin Jonathan and I at Lincoln Rd, eating Gelato..mmmm

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 60&61-Colombian Farewell

Here I am. Sitting in bed, writing my last post in Colombia, from this beginning. Crying is the only thing that seems logical. So much has happened here and I truly do not have enough words to express all the mixture of emotions I'm going through right now. Please excuse the language, but I am so fucking proud to be where I am today. I'm so proud, it seems unreal. I look at myself in the mirror and I look at myself in my heart and I am no longer the same person you once knew. I have new skin, new glasses to look through and new found love for myself. Theres truly nothing more that could fulfill me more. Tomorrow at 930am, I get on the same plane that left that Ana behind. I will be getting on it to fly back to that place I once knew that was filled with darkness, fear, desperation, sadness, pain, hopelessness and loss of direction. I will get on this plane with hope, courage, bravery, strength, Clarity, security, determination, patience, happiness and most importantly LOVE. My gratitude is infinite. I find myself without words to describe it, the only thing I can hope for is that you can feel it through this post. Hope you can feel all the amazing energy I am putting into this post and into your hearts. This is a very important post. Its the most important g'bye. The g'bye to a place, geographically and time, that has brought me so much enlightenment and transformation. G'bye to the place where it all started. The place that gave me life and created this being that you read today. Flawed and strengthend. Beautiful and scared. This g'bye begins the rest of my journey. The next step on my very bright path. Thank you to all of you that supported me and showed me love. For the first time, I allowed it to happen. To all of you, you are with me every step of the way on my journey. I am ready. I am ready to face those fears and to conquer them. To continue this amazing jump start I have on accepting myself and allowing you to see how amazing I really am. To show you the light that lives within me. My essence.
Yesterday I was able to have a final, physical coaching session, and it was dedicated to celebration. There is so much to celebrate and I will only mention a few. I celebrate the feelling of really liking myself. I celebrate all the relationships I have been able to establish and discover here. I celebrate being 36 pounds healthier. I celebrate my new, more independent relationship with  my mom. I celebrate all the challenges that I was able to overcome. I celebrate my de-layering. I celebrate my courage and my strength. I celebrate life and all of its wide open doors that I'm ready to walk through. I celebrate my greatness and ready to let it shine.
Last night I had a great g'bye gathering with cousin Laura, my sister Magda Cristina, Camilo and a friend we call Gordo. It was a great evening. Just a final reconnection with friends. Tonight was my g'bye moments with my family. That was the hardest. But I truly appreciate every moment spent with everyone and could not have asked for a more perfect of an experience. Colombia, thank you. For your support and for your love. I didn't get to see my cousin Pedro. So Pedro, thank you so much for being so damn great and for showing me that its possible to be happy no matter what. Thank you for your inspirations and wisdom. You are truly an example of a pure essence of an amazing being. I appreciate the times we spent together and everything I learned from you. I love you and will miss you dearly. I cordially invite you to Chicago. Hope one day, we can make that happen. Good luck with your problem though, lol ;)
I love you all, and for the last time from this chapter,
Thank you for reading

A soul mate.Thank you for the CLARITY

Laura and I. Thank you for the laughs. Mi Lauris, gracias por las carcajadas. Te adoro

Ha!!! Cant come to Colombia and not eat their amazing hot dog.

Dont worry, I took a total of 3 bites of this and was full. So damny yummy!!

Beautiful Lauris. Te adoro!!!

For you! Gordo and I. Childhood friends

Gordo, Camilo and I. Many great laughs. Camilo, my dear friend

The farewell PJ party. Laura, sister and I

My little sister Cris and I. Love her!

My little cousin Sebastian and I. He took this pic himself. So damn cute!!

Sandra, Uncle Jorge and I. Love them so much

Uncle Guillermo and Aunt Marcela. My 2nd parents. So much love and adoration. Words arent really enough here.

Then theres me. Happy and ready. Will miss u Colombia, and all of the greatness you hold within. Thank you and Thank you!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 59

Ok, so Its official I leave Colombia this coming Sunday. I know I know, its short notice. But I'm ready. It may be that there are other people that dont seem to be ready, but I totally am. Things had to be sooner than later because of the ticket prices. I'm thrilled. To be honest, I just packed my bags. LOL I have my clothes packed. Just still have a little shopping to do for my bosses and such. Today is my 2 month anniversary here. I'm grateful that things have gone so smoothly that I get to leave a month earlier than planned. I will be continuing my coaching through skype and I'm not worried about continuing my process no matter where I am, really. I am going to Miami on Sunday and will be spending a few days there. I plan on attending the beach everyday and having a little escape before I get back home. I get back to Chicago Thursday the 14th. I will be going straight to Sarah's. I cannot wait to spend time huggin her. My cuddler. and I get to see lil Ari. I have so much to look forward to. To hug my mom seems so incredible and comforting. It wasn't easy to decide to leave so soon. But I knew that it may come to a point to know what I'm willing to sacrifice in order to get home soon. The hardest thing is that I wont be able to get to see my cousin Juli and her baby. It hurts my heart. But I plan to visit them this summer or fall and I would get them all to myself. Really, all I did was ask for the light to help me. To guide me. and for whatever be the best for me, come clearly and easy. and honestly, for the most part it has. My uncle doesn't want me to leave and doesn't understand my reasons, but I realize that not everyone is going to understand me. and thats ok. I accept everyone has different opinions, so it makes sense for some to disagree with me. In the end, it helps make my decision that much clearer. I have no doubts about this decision. It took me a minute to not allow doubt and guilt creep in. For a minute it actually started effecting me physically. I truly hate to disapoint people, especially people I love, but I guess thats part of life. Even if their mistakes, their mine to make. Its no ones responsibility to save me or to live my life. Hopefully I get to see all the people I want to before I leave. Sadly, tomorrow the g'byes begin.
Thank you for reading

Day 57&58

So these two days have been great. I had my Drs apt and he was very happy with everything. I'm at a total loss of 36pounds. That will be the last time I weigh myself for a while. But all in all he was just so pleased with how my recovery has gone. So well that he says the next apt will be in December. So I'm released from anymore appointments. I was so happy that I cried. My blood pressure is perfect, the black pigment is almost gone on my neck and face. My hands and elbows are still darker but a lot lighter. Things are falling into place physically and I've never felt better. I'm really proud of myself and that feeling of pride and gratefulness was overwhelming. So thats it. I'm leaving. Tonight I will look for tickets and plan my trip home. My time here is done and its time to move on to the next phase of my process. Many challenges are ahead but I feel ready. I was able to have a coaching session right after my Drs apt. It was great. Again, I left feeling with new wisdom and stronger. With more amunition to move on with. With less fear. Fear always has a tendancy to creep back in. To create doubts and start the stream of negative thoughts. But I'm learning how to cut it short and get back on track. It was a great session. I decided to go to a movie by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it. All in all this all feels just perfect and just as its meant to be. I ended up going to my aunt and my uncle's and spending some time with them. oh and I found my thumbdrive so here are some last pics from when I was in Castalia and some from here in the city.
Thank you for reading.

My favorite calf. She is so bossy and rude with others but loved me!

My Dad and I at the bus station. Our b'bye :(

Laura and I on our romantic date. 

Greatest guy I know!!!! My cousin Pedro that loves chocolate bars, lol

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 55&56

So I'm back in Bogota now. I said my g'byes and it was really hard to leave my Dad. I wish we could've had more time together. More farm and machete time. LOL 2 weeks is just getting past the icing on the cake. I want to one day get to the core. I have so many questions. Many topics I want to touch, but maybe I need to get to know him better before I be so forward with him. I dont want to cross boundaries or relive painful memories for someone who doesnt want to. Although, I'm notorious for that. Maybe I'm a masochist. Well, I kinda am. but maybe thats too much info for you. LOL No, but somehow reliving and reminiscing on difficult times in my life, makes me realize that I'm a soldier. That I have survived many emotional, painful tornadoes within my own mind and heart. So maybe I enjoy sharing it out loud as being proud that I overcame it. And I realize that by sharing, I touch lives and maybe even inspire a little. But not everyone is like me. Many people live with regrets, die with regrets. I dont think I have any. If you had to do it over again, and you would do it a little differently, does it mean you regret it? Part of living is learning, so I dont regret doing the things that I have done, but they werent always the smartest. They were pretty fun for the majority of it, LOL All in its due time. My cousin says maybe there are questions that arent meant to be asked. and thats true. But I'm way too curious. I'm more of a "lets just ask and if goes wrong I'll apologize later" kind of person. LOL I was sharing the fact of how curious I am about the way things went down before and during my life between my parents. Also curious about my brother Luis. He is not always the easiest topic to bring up. But I have definitely learned a lot more about his childhood being here. I'm like an open book. Many people are very reserved, and really I dont think there is a question that I wont answer. I may not always be the most comfortable, but I'll answer it. Good example is tonight at dinner in front of family, my funny cousin decides to ask me if I own a vibrator. Ummmm. My only hesitation was that my aunt was there. Too funny.  I figure the more I share, the better I feel to be so free and honest and in the end, the easier you get to know me. and vice versa.
I'm upset because I  cant find my thumb drive to transfer pics. I have a few to share with you guys and cant find the way to download them. Hopefully its somewhere in my suitcase.  These last couple of days, since I got back have truly been great. I have had amazing company and I have had amazing conversations. I dont want it to end. I can talk to my one cousin all night. I truly enjoy conversing with someone who challenges my thinking and thought process in general. Not only that, but he has qualities that I aspire to aquire one day. Its enviable. So worry free and simply happy. Theres nothing complicated about him. (not that I have found yet at least, lol)Nothing bothers him. I asked him what things in life make him happy, and he answers, "buying a chocolate bar every once in a while". LOL  Not the profound answer I was looking for, but thats him. Simple. Its admireable and inspiring. I truly appreciate every moment spent. So thank you!
Today I started a cooking class which was absolutely awesome. It got me excited to get in the kitchen and try out healthy recipes. Cool recipes for healthy bread, healthy butter, taboule, falafels and this fantastic apple and cinnamon dessert. Not only the food, but she talked a lot about the things I am already integrating into my life. Eating slowly, eating by using all 5 of yours senses. Using food as your meditation. So it was very cool to have something to identify with. Its only a 2 day course. So Today and Thursday. Tomorrow is my follow up visit with my Dr. We'll see what the next step is, if there is one. Everything has gone so well, the only thing I can think of is some blood work to check my nutrition levels.  Its hard to fully nutriate(is that a word?) your body when you cant eat all that much. But I'm excited to see him and for him to see my progress. At which point I will decide my return date and start searching for tickets. Besides tomorrow, I'm going to follow my cousin's advice and not weigh myself for a while. I realize it frustrates me and I think it takes the focus off of what really matters and thats, that I feel pretty awesome. So I'll keep you updated and hopefully find my thumb drive so I can post some fun pics.
Thank you for reading

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Day 49-54

Its been a while. The farm has no signal really. And I haven’t really left the farm to go into town for much reason at all. I leave tonight on an 8hr bus ride back to the city of Bogota. Back to loudness. Back to traffic. Back to pollution. Back to daily stress. Back to my grandmother’s house for a little while. Its hard to leave this paradise that I’ve grown accustomed to for the past 2 weeks. Especially being with my Dad. We had a routine down and everything. He would wake me up in the morning, we would have breakfast together. Go to work on his farm for a little while. Come back for lunch, then back to the farm to work some more. Come back to Castalia, he would watch and time me swim. We would have dinner with the family and then sit out front in the dark and look at the stars. Watch a movie, then to bed. We did that everyday. I became much more active on the farm as time passed. It was definitely a new experience for me. Helping him cut tall grasses for the cows with a machete. Yea, he taught me how to use a machete and I loved it. I felt like for once, maybe I am his daughter. I obviously have always been his daughter, but never with this much bonding or this much in common. I have been in his world and have loved it so much. I wish I could stay and help him feed the cows daily. They started to know who I  was. There were a couple that would come to me for me to pet them and for them to lick whatever it is that was in my hand. Its amazing how people can adapt to things. I truly enjoyed sweating and being hot and getting dirty. I know where everything is in the farm. I started doing jobs without him asking me. More than ever have I become a part of him. Females don’t really work much here. They cook and they clean. That’s about it. Here I walk in, asking him to teach me how to use a machete. Lol Its truly been great.

I’ve learned so much while being here. So much about our family history. My uncle Pedro is so great to talk to. I really got to know him so much more this time. He is the “boss man” of our family business here. The Ramirez family started in the fish business in 1982. The year I was born. It is owned and operated by our family only. My Dad side is huge and more united that anything you have ever seen. When we all get together, including all 3 generations, were about 80 or so people. Its never a small reunion. But their so great. Regardless of differences, regardless of arguments they all gather here in Castalia to engage in family/social events. Its truly a blessing to be part of such a big family. Castalia is the name of the farm where my Dad and uncles grew up. It’s a huge house. I found out my grandfather named it Castalia because in Rome there is a fountain named Castalia and it means Life. I don’t even know how many acres it is, but its huge. And here we cultivate and process Mojarra aka tilapia. Throughout the country, Castalia is its own brand of fish. They were the first to make fish something popular to eat here in this town. They made it affordable for people and every part of its success has come directly from each family member. Its amazing that a family business can still be successfully thriving after 29 years. It says so much about the respect and dignity that my family holds. Its been such a pleasure listening to my uncle and Dad talk about the history of the house and of the family. Being able to spend more time here has been so beneficial. Especially that theres not too many people here now, so I’m much more a part of the conversations and the sharing.

They have a big holiday coming up which is translated into Saint Week. It’s the week that leads up to Easter. So that whole week family begins to migrate from all over the world really so that they can all be together. Its been tough to decide what to do because I really want to be here for it. There will be family that I haven’t seen in such a long time. But at the same time, my time here is done. I cant explain the feeling I have to be back home. There are things that need to be done and my mind cant rest thinking about them. Not to mention getting back to work. Being here for so long feels like a luxury. One that I don’t have at this point in my life. I’m not financially independent in my life yet and it feels irresponsible to be relaxing by the pool, while at home I have a car situation to figure out. My mom is trying to weigh out her options for her future, which forces me to re evaluate my life as well. Where will I live? What do I do next? Do I stay in Illinois or back to Miami? There’s a lot on my plate now and I feel like from here, I cant do much of anything. I have no control from here. If my Dr says I’m good to go, I would like to leave Colombia April 16th. That way I can get to see my one cousin that I absolutely love the most, Juliana. She is my soul sister, my best friend and I haven’t seen her in about 5 or so years. Not to mention she just had a baby, Victoria. So on Wednesday I will know more because that is my Drs apt that I’m waiting for more news from. I’ve been doing great that I don’t see him keeping me here for any longer. I’ve accomplished so much and I’ve come so far. It feels like whatever I came to do here, is done. Time to go back home and start the new routine that needs to be implemented in my life there. Here its easy. Everyone cooks for me, there’s always someone there to make my bed, I’m extremely spoiled here. My real challenge comes, when I get back home. Why wait any longer? I’d like to spend some days in Miami on my way back home. To go to the beach and spend time with that family for a bit. Come home and get to it.

A lot lies ahead and mainly, I’m excited.  But I’m also very scared. I know there are tough times ahead, but I guess that’s how life is. Nothing great comes that easily and I always get through it. Its like taking a cold shower. LOL I know I have to take a shower and I know at first it will be unpleasant, but once I’m done and take that first jump in, I feel amazing. Even if I have to work at controlling my breathing or shiver, I make it through the shower cleaner and happier than before. I know it’s a silly metaphor, but I ask why be so scared when really I confront and make it through obstacles on a daily basis. This new eating style of mine is definitely an obstacle. Not because I want to eat more, because really I take my 4 bites and I’m good, but mainly because I have to be careful and monitor my thoughts and make sure I’m moving forward psychologically. And also because when I eat, I have to be careful and not over eat not one bite. One bite over, and the uncomfortable feeling of being full is overwhelming. Its me against me. Yesterday I finally ate red meat and it was Milanesa and mashed potatoes. Milanesa is a very thin, breaded meat. Its absolutely delicious and it comes from Argentina. If you know me, mashed potatoes is my absolute favorite food. I got full so fast and started to feel frustrated that I couldn’t eat more of it. I love it so much and I wanted to fully indulge. Talking to my mom today I realized that was not really the best way to think of it. I’m in this position because I made that choice. Thankfully I can eat anything I want so far and not get sick, but just a little bit of it. I don’t believe in sacrificing the things I enjoy to eat. And so far so good. Instead of being frustrated, I should’ve been thankful I can savor such an amazing meal. Its thoughts like that, that I have to be careful with. I think someone in my position can easily ruin things if I don’t keep on my path. On the whole path. The physical, mental and emotional path. Its all connected, so if one is slacking the other start to be effected. It’s a lot of work. It can be overwhelming at times, which I’m sure is very normal. Just goting stay in tune with me. With my essence. With my greater purpose. That probably the biggest challenge. To remember that it’s a daily struggle to love yourself unconditionally and that you have to keep it present at all times. One blink, and you can be back at square one. That will not be my story. Square one, no longer exists for me. It is not an option. Thankfully, this blog truly helps keep me present. Instead of eating to comfort myself or to escape, I write. These days, that I haven’t posted anything, I have felt different. Emotionally heavier. And well now that its time to say bye to my Dad, even more. But this is how it goes. Unfortunately this is just another good bye, among the many I have had to say. The great part is that eventually, I get to say hello again.
Thank you for reading

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 45-48

My feet, the pool and the house
These days have been great. They’ve been amazing. Its been quiet and so peaceful. I have been taking full advantage of all the time with my Dad. Its amazing how spending some extra days alone, things start to become more real than just a vacation visit. The farm is lonely and I absolutely love it. I have missed writing so much. Its hard to get internet here where I am and its amazing how dependant you become on the network. I also realize that I need to write. Its part of my therapy. So when things are good and when things are bad, I need you. Its part of creating the new habits to replace the over eating I used to indulge in. Especially when things were bad, eating was definitely a partner of mine. Now that’s not even an option. It was interesting to observe for a minute, me scurrying for something. An escape of some sort. Something else to fill that void. I’ve been reading. I’ve been walking with my Dad. I’ve been swimming. Its all still feeling very healthy and definitely coming from a place of true love. I still feel lots of love coming from me to me, and I can feel it more than ever from everyone else. I guess that’s how it works. Once you open that door for yourself, its as if everyone can tell and they want to take part of it and be part of whatever your creating for yourself. Today I was swimming my laps, and I had an uncle( that never says a whole lot) tell me that he is impressed with my physical stamina with the swimming. It felt awesome to heart it. Not just the words, but his words. It was so fulfilling because I kind of feel that way towards myself too. Now that I’m swimming again, its almost as if I never stopped and I’m really good at it. I love that I can swim again. Its very freeing. When I swim, my mind is clear. I am totally in the now. Paying attention to my breath, to the stroke. How my arms are flowing through the water. If I’m kicking hard enough, and how great the water feels on my face. How weightless I feel. I truly appreciate it. Im up to 18 laps. Which is like 2 or 3 olympic size pool laps but I’m very proud to be at it again. I’ve been helping my dad on the farm, which is for sure a different routine for me, but I love it. Love getting dirty. Feeding the chickens and helping with the cows. Love being part of his world. We went for a walk yesterday and he took me on a little agricultural tour. I realize he is an encyclopedia of plants, trees, fruits and vegetables. I was impressed with all of the information he had. How it grows, what type of soil is best for it, endless info on the land and its production. I was pleasantly surprised and admired him for it. Definitely a new feeling towards my Dad. Its been really cute with him. We watch movies together. We talk about family stuff that I never knew about. We talk about his fears, his worries and his moments of optimism. We express to each other how important it is for both of us to be together at this point of time. And truly how fulfilling it is for my heart to have this moment with him. It warms me fully to say that I have a Dad and were hangin out. I used to dream about saying that. I realize how alike we can be sometimes as well as how different. I’m proud that he hasn’t been drunk. Hes had a few drinks when my brother was here, but nothing out of control, which if you know anything about alcoholism, its pretty impressive. A sip can totally lead to a relapse of a sad past. So I’m proud of my Dad. I love him each day more and more. Hes a cool guy. Hes smart. And extremely loving. We have definitely come a long way.
So the food situation has been really good. Nothing has made me sick and I’ve been feeling great. Eating slow is key and chewing everything is important. Eating is a skill. Most people inhale. I appreciate every flavor, texture and consistency like never before. It has actually become somewhat of a meditation for me. I’m very quiet when I eat. I do not participate in the table convo. I stay in my mind and in the now. Make sure to breath in between bites. When I’m half way done, everyone’s done. Not to mention that my portions are like kids play compared to everybodys. Its been an interesting process, that’s for sure. Anyways, Here are some pics to show you what I’ve been up to some. For some visual entertaining.
Thank you for reading.

Aunt Marcela, me and my Dad
The chickens I help feed.  
The whole pool with the house. This is the "backyard"
Just to give you an idea of the peacocks. I have so many better shots of them, but just for now. Their so awesome.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 43&44

I hate that I`m easily influenced by other people`s presence or attitude or words. I am aware that I allow people to get to me way too easily and I truly dislike that about me. I`ve been angry. I`ve been feeling like all I want is to be alone. I`m here, trying to enjoy my family and enviornment, but theres always that one person that just ruins it for me. I`m super annoyed and feeling as if I`m isolating myself more and more. That person that thinks their jokes are funny but yet their insulting and rude and simply doesn´t know how to socialize or when to be quiet. I thought I was alone on this, but thankfully I`m not. Well I dont know if thankfully, but at least I know its not all in my mind. The problem is that I seem to be the only one that allows these things to truly bother me and ruin perfectly good moments. I`m moody. I`m quiet. and not really feeling all that great. So my solution has been to stay away. All I wanna do is my cry and be in bed. Weird to feel to depressed. I had been doing so well and feeling pretty great, but I guess its normal to still have your days. I just really dont like who I turn into when I`m like this. It feels like the old me. But the old me wasn`t so bad. I feel angry and a bit lost. Thankfully I have this cute little cousin that I cant help to be happy around. We played with Barbies and were supposed to go swimming together but it poured today. Yesterday I was able to start swimming which felt amazing since I haven´t been able to swim in about 5 years due to my ear problems. I got ear plugs and It felt amazing. I`ve also spent time laying in a hammock and reading. So there have definitely been some good points these couple of days, but mainly I`ve just been quiet and not that great of company. I know my Dad is worried. He is constantly asking me whats wrong and such. I feel bad because I dont want him to worry. Its hard because were around each other so much and its all a learning situation. Learning how to read each other and know that I have my moments. Plus a dog that never comes by anyone just came by me and let me pet her, and that definitely just helped my mood. See, moody! lol up, down, up down. Guess my brother leaves tonight. Good on one side, bad on another. I`m excited to spend more time just me and my dad. I think the quiet will definitely help me enjoy these two weeks. Not like I wont see him in a bit anyways. I like the fact of having this amazing place all to myself. Not sure if I`ll have internet tomorrow but as soon as I do again, I`ll post more pics of the farm. Technically I`m in paradise and shouldn`t allow anything to ruin that for me.
The other things I struggle with is everyone`s opinions about how I should be running my life now. I understand people care and want to have a say in my success, but its my life. and not everything that works for other people, will work for me or is for me. I chose how this process goes. I want this to be something I enjoy, not something I dread or feel like I suffer through. But I realize that when I say no to something that someone says I should do, its as if I disappoint or let down. So sorry for that, but its not about anyone but me. So to disappoint someone is really not my problem anymore. Again, I live for me, not for everyone else. I have to keep remembering that because I refuse to feel guilty for making my own choices. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent. I realize I cant be as brutally honest about everything because people read this. and unlike others, I dont want to offend and I dont want to insult anyone. Although I feel hurt, I still have respect. So I apologize for the lack of details. Sorry this one isn`t so happy go lucky. but tomorrow is a new day. I look forward to it.
Thank you for reading

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 42

Waking up to peacocks crowing and birds chirping is probably the most amazing thing ever. Being at my family farm, Castalia, Its one of my favorite things. Its truly a paradise and I`m so grateful for the opportunity to be here. Especially for the next 2 weeks and a half. So excited. It has been a long time that I`ve been able to spend that much time here. Especially that its kind of alone. During holidays and family events there are at least 50 people hangin out here. Right now its pretty lonely for the farm, but makes me so happy. Its so great to see my Dad and be able to just hang out with him. My brother and I woke up at 630am to go for a walk, which is his routine when he is back home. Not really the walk, but he wakes up that early to workout..Me,, not so much lol. I made the effort so that we could spend some time together. Especially alone. I have to take advantage of that every time I can because it doesn`t happen often. It was nice to have that time to ourselves and just walk and chat about how things will be when I get back home. and my routine and my food. and when to cook and how to prepare things. My brother has always been very logical and he is wise when it comes to serious logic, so I hear him out when he talks because theres always something clever thats about to be said. I guess I also feel loved by him when he takes the time to talk with me He gives good advice and is always so funny. Any humor I have comes from him, which in turn both of our humor comes from my Dad. My Dad is known to be the clown of the family and is a pretty hysterial guy. So I can say that I have laughed a lot these past days. the best part is that we have laughed together. I`ve actually made him laugh, which is pretty cool. It may sound silly, but one of the ways I measure personal succes is if I can make someone laugh. I know how amazing I feel when I laugh, so when I can give laughter to someone, its truly a gift. I do feel happier and I feel more content with the relationships that I have in my life. Of course they need work, but what relationship doesn`t? I just know that I have come a long way as far as opening up to people and letting them see who I truly am. I feel less afraid of that. Its so challenging but so freeing and liberating.
Thank you for reading.
My cousin Laura and I. This girl is hysterical. 
For MaFe. My uncle Guille posing with an exotic flower on the farm

My brother`s farm. My Dad takes care of it and has made it grown with his own hands. 

My brother Juan, my Dad and Me!!!

Day 41

So my brother got in and it was really great to see him. It was something comforting to see a familiar face from how. It feels refreshing somehow. It was also nice to hear him say that he sees a big difference in me. That opinion, next to mine, is prob one of the most important ones for me. Think thats how its always been my whole life. Waiting for my brother to approve things in my life.  Anyways, It was super nice to see him. We left that afternoon to Betania, which was an 8hr drive. I had to stop a couple times to walk and get the blood flowing in my legs. Drs orders. So it was a long ride, but I loved every minute. I think it was more the change of scene and the whole traveling aspect of it that I really loved.

Yesterday we were in the boat all day and it was actually kind of cold, so I didnt go in the water and I was getting sniffly. But I did decide I was going to try and actually eat new things. That I would take it little by little and listen to my body. So I did. and so far so good. I can even explain to you how amazing it feels to actually eat the same things other people are eating. Its an amazing feeling and I`m very proud of my body for that. On Saturday I weighed myself and I´m offically at a 30lbs loss. Pretty damn excited about it. I have to remind myself that, thats enough. I was a little furstrated because only 2lbs in 4 days. Well, I can do that on my own. With surgery I expect more. Maybe thats my problem. I shouldn`t expect anything. My only focus should be loving me and feeling incredibly happy as much as I can. and feeling comfortable and excited to be me. So much harder than it seems. But, repeat to myself that I`m doing great no matter what. I`m doing great no matter what. I`m doing great no matter what.

Today is our last day here in Betania and then we are heading to my dads in Garzon. A small town, where we have our family farm, which is simply amazing. Its peaceful and a perfect place to just be. Although it our last day, I wish I could be alone. I`m annoyed. I`m frustrated. and I wanna cry and scream. I would love to make up that I dont feel well and just spend the day reading in a hammock. But I also realize that my moods are momentary. That I cant always allow my mood to control a good moment or good opportunity. That sometimes, I shouldn´t give in to what I feel is what I "need". THe beast within me has a great way of convincing me that what I need is to isolate myself and truly, thats not who I want to be anymore. So I force myself and get on the boat and it turned out to be an amazing day. The sun was shinning. The wind was perfect. The water was warm and felt amazing on my skin. While wading in the water with my little cousin, I gave thanks to God for being able to take part in such amazing beauty, and for allowing me to grow in difficult circumstances. For giving me the strength to sit outside the box and see the opportunity to change a bad habit. I`m thankful for that. I would`ve missed out on great bonding time with family and a some great moments that I appreciated for me.
Thank you for reading

This is the view I got to wake up to for 2 mornings. Definitely something to be grateful for. 

Day 37-40

So last night was my uncle Jorge´s birthday so we had a dinner at his house. It was nice to have an event to attend to. For the first time I tried some fish and its actually made me nauseous the whole day. Wasn`t cuz of the fish, but the onions it was cooked in. Onions are a big no no for me. Their very harsh and hard to digest. Definitely learned my lesson on that one. I have been getting frustrated not being able to eat normally. I asked my aunt the to other day, "will I ever eat normally again?" I realize its a process and it takes time. Technically I`m still healing. So this weekend my brother and his wife arrive and then we are going to a place called Betania. Its a resort type place that has a huge lake(which my uncle helped develop) Its always a blast there. All types of water sports and all day in a boat. Thankfully the Dr approved me going on the boat. Just to be careful getting on and off. Still cant push myself too much. So it seems like patience is my biggest lesson in this transformation so far. Something I used to be very horrible at. I`m becoming a pro. lol. So I`m grateful for that.

My aunt Carmen and I. She has lost 140lbs with bipass surgery. Shes amazing

My grandmother, Cecilia and I. She can be so cute
My uncle Jorge and I. Such an amazing guy. It was his 60th birthday!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 36

Today I had a session with the coach that brings me clarity. While I was in surgery my mom meditated and was with me during the whole process with my brother. My mom has always had an amazing capability to connect to a different dimension. Call it crazy or impossible. Whatever name you would like to give it, its ok. I´m a true believer in my mom´s powers and always have been. So much that she even asked me "does you Dr wear glasses?" lol, yes mom, he does. and your awesome!!! During that meditation with my brother and other family members that have passed, my brother, Luis had mentioned that I still have some anger issues that I need to work out. After she told me that, I started to investigate and dig to see if I really am an angry person. Yea, I definitely have angry moments. I have had moments of reaction that can ruin a great moment. Doesn´t everyone have those moments? I have come a long way since the more intense days of that. I used to not be even able to talk about my flaws and the issues I had with myself, even though I considered myself a "spritual person". I´ve come a long way in expressing how I feel and more importantly, being honest with myself, about me. Its so easy to blame everyone else for your issues, but really, the majority of the time, we are the ones that create our own chaos. We have more power over our lives than we want to be responsible for. Its a lot.
So I went to my session with the intention of talking about my anger. I think a lot my anger is mainly directed at me. For allowing myself to be abused for so long. For not loving myself for the majority of my life. For allowing myself to play the role of the victim. But where did it start? What originated that anger? With my coach I was able to discover that the anger I began with wasn´t mine. It came from my mom. Between my brother and I there is a difference of 7 years. That wasn´t a mistake. My father is an alcoholic, and those years he was a very heavy drinker, so my mother had decided to not have more children. After some years, he started going to Alcoholics Anonymous and was sober for a long time. He became an example of someone who had changed his life around and started doing good for himself. With all his success of sobriety, my mom decided to have another child. ME! I was the prize for his many great changes that he had made. I was the reward. 4 months into the pregnancy, my father relapsed and started drinking again. There are many studies that whatever happens while your in your mother´s womb, affects the baby. I´m a believer in that. and I was able to pin point the anger, acknowledge it and give back what wasn´t mine to begin with. I can only imagine the anger, fear and worry that my mother went through while being pregnant with me, having two other boys, and my father drinking away the money that was for the food.  For the majority of my life I have felt responsible for my mother´s feelings. I was not asked to do it, I was not told to do it, I just did. When my brother passed away I would only cry in the bathroom. I never wanted my mom to see me cry, because I knew if she did, she would cry too. I didn´t want to be the cause of her tears. Although as a teenager, sometimes thats unavoidable. She caught me smoking pot, and that was the ultimate no no, in the house. I wasn´t perfect, but I tried.I knew I was going against my mother´s wishes with many things, but the point was to not get caught. lol still live it up when I could and be a kid, but dont get caught. LOL It worked for a while, but eventually she caught me. and I saw her cry and vowed to quit. Again, just dont get caught lol.
The point to all of this is that I was born with anger that wasn´t mine. I was able to cut the cord, that even though I´m 29 yrs old, I still feel very attached and connected with my mom. and not always in the healthiest of ways. I think our relationship has changed a lot and its much healthier, but boundaries are key. So is trust and independance. I have lived a lot of my life for my mom. A lot of my decisions that I have made, were based on what she would think, or how it would effect her. She is an amazing support in my life and is so wise. Much of this trip, has helped me realize that I can do it without her. That its ok to fall down, cuz luckily I know how to walk, swim, run and I´m great at dancing. lol I dont blame my mom for anything. I do not resent nor do I have anger towards my mom. Quite the opposite, only have respect, admiration and love for the being that my mom is. She is a true survivor and soldier. Being responsible for her feelings  is something I created within me, maybe to have more importance or to feel that way. I´m important just by being me, with my own issues and with my own strengths. For everything difficult in my life, I´m truly grateful. (even my student loans of $200,000) I do not have one regret in my life and would not do anything over. Its all for a reason.
Bottom line, at the end of my session I felt such a huge relief in my heart. I felt lighter. I faced my anger head on, and I thanked it and asked it politely to move to the side. That at one point I may have needed it as protection and defense, but now I´m all about love. Call me a hippy, but without love, what do you truly have?
Thank you for reading.

Day 35

I was a little off but I was pretty close. Lost 8 pounds in one week!!!!! The first week after surgery. I´m pretty proud. So total loss so far is 28 pounds. I think thats pretty impressive. I am proud and have started to see a little bit of difference. Obviously still in my clothes, but I started to see it a little in my face and in my stomach. All my bruises are healing nicely. Hopefully by the time I get to warm weather most of the scabs will be gone, as well as the green and purple marks.

So we all know change is really hard. Its hard to get to that point and decide, that from now on things will be different in my life. and to actually follow through with it. I think the main change that needs to happen, is the way you think. The way you perceive things. and the way  you allow your thoughts to create an emotional reaction. I look at myself in the mirror, yea I´ve lost 28 pounds and I´m proud of that success, but its still not enough. Just by having that thought "that its still not enough", I know I haven´t fully made the mental changes that I want. What do you mean its not enough? Yea there is still some ways to go, but the point is to be proud unconditionally. I cant remember the last time I lost that much weight, or the last time I felt this good for this long period of time. Thats my goal. Acceptance is still an issue in my life. So what ,I´m not good enough yet because I haven´t lost my 100lbs? Deep down I know its not true. Today, as I sit here, I´m good enough. But the beast within me still has some strength. and its so good at creeping back in when I least need it. I´m sure a lot of it is habit. So used to criticizing myself on a constant basis. So I know I´m doing a great job, and I hear it all day long from people seeing me. I do feel more confident and  feel happier and I feel much more loved by myself than I ever have, but theres still some work to do. Not just physically. I know skinny people that are unhappy with their lives. I refuse to live like that. I´m aware that my emotional and mental issues need to be addressed in order for this process to be considered successful.
Thank you for reading

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 33 &34

The weekend went pretty well. I was able to actually go out with people of my age. I love my aunt and uncle and my grandma, but I´ve been needing to get out with some peers. To meet new people. To just hang out and have fun. That part has been difficult. My closest cousins, which are Juliana and Maria Fernanda, are no longer living here. So my social life is a lot more limited. Thanks to my cousins Laura and  Pedro, I´ve managed to go out and have some laughs.Yesterday him, a friend of his and I went to a sexuality conference. It was pretty interesting. Good to know that I know my stuff, lol. Don´t think I learned anything new, but who doesnt love talking about penis and vagina?. LOL. Not that I have a partner to practice any of the tips she gave us, but I shall store them in an important part of the brain. Anyways, that night he invited me to play that wolf game we´ve played before with some of Newen´s friends.(Newen is my cousin, Pedro´s youngest brother) It was a pretty big group. Maybe like 15 people. I laughed a lot, which is always my intention. I realized, that I don´t laugh as much here as I do back home. The humor is a little different. Lets just say I´m more funny back home, LOL. But it was a good time. This morning I woke up with killer allergies. I hate them. I realize that when I go out, and if there are a lot of people smoking, the next day I have bad allergies. So many people smoke cigarettes here. I´m just not used to it. Surprisingly because my x boyfriend used to smoke in bed before we went to sleep and first thing in bed when we woke up. Maybe thats why I´m somewhat repulsed by it now. I hate the way I smell for the rest of the night. Moving on. Today I had a lunch at my aunt Marta´s, which is Pedro and Newen´s mom. I saw cousins that I hadn´t seen yet and that was great. Just sucked that I was feeling like absolute crap!!I wanted to hang out and spend some time together, but really as soon as my aunt said she was leaving, I left. Since Pedro brought it up during lunch, I´ll talk about it here. Its extremely hard to eat with everybody. I am most aware that it is all part of the process and learning experience. I do constantly repeat to myself that this is me loving Ana. That its for a greater purpose.That its temporary. That at the end of the month, I will be very pleased with how far I have come. Its just hard when your that person that has "special" eating needs. It definitely puts me out my comfort zone. But thats good. thats when you truly grow. Its weird because I feel very normal. I feel like I can eat like a normal person already. I´m sure many make that mistake and go to jump a stage in the process and end up throwing up, or causing damage. I refuse to throw up. I eat slow and steady and listen to my body with every bite. Yes, I promise it talks to me. Technically my stomach is still healing. I have 7 staples holding it together. I know my healing is going quicker than normal, which I am so grateful for, but still. Lets be smart here. Patience, patience, patience Ana!! People look at me and absolutely cannot believe that I had surgery 11 days ago. All my bandages are off and I feel awesome! So its hard to feel normal and still eat like someone who just had surgery. lol The smells are what really kill me. Or watching everyone drink soda, which technically I should never drink in my life again or eat hamburgers from El Corral(best burgers in the world or hot dogs with potatoe chips on them.mmmmmm so yummy!! So I breath, I repeat that I´m amazing and eat my greatly purified chicken soup my aunt made especially for me. As if I could actually eat like a normal person. I think I took a max of 10 spoonfuls, and was done. Its pretty amazing. Tomorrow I start a new phase of the diet, which allows me to eat more variety..Like mashed potatoes!!!!!!!!!!!!! woot woot. The main thing I really appreciate in this process is how much more you appreciate the food you used to just shove down your throat. Every bite is savored and medited on. Just how food should be. Makes me grateful that I injest amazing different flavors and textures, knowing that its doing my body good. Giving me the fuel to burn. What its meant to do. My first mashed potatoes, will definitely be a moment to remember.

So I have a new problem and its that a lot of my clothes are no longer fitting me. LOL what a great problem to have right? I still cant see much of a difference in the mirror. I get glimpses of it, but lose it quickly. But in my clothes, its pretty awesome to feel things getting looser and looser. I had to ask my mom to send me some smaller size clothes for the rest of my time here. I want to hold out and just go shopping once I get back home with Sarah and Erika, but I may have to give in. They just dont look cute anymore. LOL. Tomorrow is weigh in day. Something tells me I lost close to 10lbs this past week. Which is insane!! Which means that I can lose approx 40 pounds this month? We´ll see how far I get. I think being in Garzon with my dad will be beneficial for my process. Not only cuz his presence in my life fulfills me in more ways that I could ever imagine, but also because there is lots to do. We have the farm. The walks will be challenging because theres plenty of uphills and such. The heat will help me sweat more. The sun will bathe me in its glory. lol I think it will be a very good part of the process for me. On all levels. I´m very excited and hope for this week to go quickly. Excited to see my brother. Wonder if he will see a difference.

I was talking to my cousin earlier about food and the culture of it here in Colombia, and she was also somewhat tormented as a child. Always on diets and being told she was too heavy. This cousin is gorgeous and its crazy to imagine her being told that. Acceptance of yourself has to be one of the hardest things you can do. Just as you are, as you come.But it all depends on what they start programming in your mind since your a young child. No one ever taught me that I was enough. It was about this diet or that. So from a young age, I(And so many others) was taught that how I looked, was not ok and it needed to change. That´ll do a number on a little one.  I dont think that by being thin, all my happy dreams will come true. I want to be healthy and I want to reflect to the world and myself who I really am. Just tired of hiding, I guess. Tired of being so afraid. Talking with Pedro, we were saying, well this is it. Its happening and its going to happen. All the things I have been afraid of by becoming the real Ana, have to be let go now. I know that I´m letting go of them, but really this is all happening so quickly. Its pretty exciting and kind of scary at the same time. I realized this is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I think many of us do. Not specifically the weight, but loving ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we truly are. Such a big challenge. Not to mention that society puts us in a position to constantly challenge ourselves. Today, I realized how much of our lives revolve around food. Social events, work, kids, going on dates, a quick bite, the crazy rush in the morning, family. Society has conveniently provided us with plenty of things to battle against. Its designed to keep us heavy, to keep us sick so that someone can make billions off of it. Not just food industry, but diet, gyms, pharmeceuticals, lets not forget the government with the health care aspect of it all. Its pretty sad. But once you become aware that fast food is organge and red on purpose, you start to create that consciousness and you dont get sucked into it.( red, yellow and orange are colors that subliminally tell you your hungry. blues and greens provide more tranquility, not anxiety which is what normally leads you to binge.) I´m on a mission. For my world to be full of blues and greens. Whose with me? lol
Thank you for reading