I hate that I`m easily influenced by other people`s presence or attitude or words. I am aware that I allow people to get to me way too easily and I truly dislike that about me. I`ve been angry. I`ve been feeling like all I want is to be alone. I`m here, trying to enjoy my family and enviornment, but theres always that one person that just ruins it for me. I`m super annoyed and feeling as if I`m isolating myself more and more. That person that thinks their jokes are funny but yet their insulting and rude and simply doesn´t know how to socialize or when to be quiet. I thought I was alone on this, but thankfully I`m not. Well I dont know if thankfully, but at least I know its not all in my mind. The problem is that I seem to be the only one that allows these things to truly bother me and ruin perfectly good moments. I`m moody. I`m quiet. and not really feeling all that great. So my solution has been to stay away. All I wanna do is my cry and be in bed. Weird to feel to depressed. I had been doing so well and feeling pretty great, but I guess its normal to still have your days. I just really dont like who I turn into when I`m like this. It feels like the old me. But the old me wasn`t so bad. I feel angry and a bit lost. Thankfully I have this cute little cousin that I cant help to be happy around. We played with Barbies and were supposed to go swimming together but it poured today. Yesterday I was able to start swimming which felt amazing since I haven´t been able to swim in about 5 years due to my ear problems. I got ear plugs and It felt amazing. I`ve also spent time laying in a hammock and reading. So there have definitely been some good points these couple of days, but mainly I`ve just been quiet and not that great of company. I know my Dad is worried. He is constantly asking me whats wrong and such. I feel bad because I dont want him to worry. Its hard because were around each other so much and its all a learning situation. Learning how to read each other and know that I have my moments. Plus a dog that never comes by anyone just came by me and let me pet her, and that definitely just helped my mood. See, moody! lol up, down, up down. Guess my brother leaves tonight. Good on one side, bad on another. I`m excited to spend more time just me and my dad. I think the quiet will definitely help me enjoy these two weeks. Not like I wont see him in a bit anyways. I like the fact of having this amazing place all to myself. Not sure if I`ll have internet tomorrow but as soon as I do again, I`ll post more pics of the farm. Technically I`m in paradise and shouldn`t allow anything to ruin that for me.
The other things I struggle with is everyone`s opinions about how I should be running my life now. I understand people care and want to have a say in my success, but its my life. and not everything that works for other people, will work for me or is for me. I chose how this process goes. I want this to be something I enjoy, not something I dread or feel like I suffer through. But I realize that when I say no to something that someone says I should do, its as if I disappoint or let down. So sorry for that, but its not about anyone but me. So to disappoint someone is really not my problem anymore. Again, I live for me, not for everyone else. I have to keep remembering that because I refuse to feel guilty for making my own choices. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent. I realize I cant be as brutally honest about everything because people read this. and unlike others, I dont want to offend and I dont want to insult anyone. Although I feel hurt, I still have respect. So I apologize for the lack of details. Sorry this one isn`t so happy go lucky. but tomorrow is a new day. I look forward to it.
Thank you for reading
"The problem is that I seem to be the only one that allows these things to truly bother me and ruin perfectly good moments."
ReplyDeleteAna, it's in ourselves to allow this to happen. So don't pay attention to those people, don't give any importance to what he/she says; as the song says "don't worry, be happy".
"The other things I struggle with is everyone`s opinions about how I should be running my life now."
Ana, here's a little trick I use when I find myself in this particular situation: Next time someone begins to tell you "how to live your life", interrupt them and ask them: "Am I telling you how to live your life?". Since the answer will be "no", then you'll say something like: "so, why are you telling me how to live mine?", then you change the topic of the conversation to the weather or anything else you like.