Day 33 &34

The weekend went pretty well. I was able to actually go out with people of my age. I love my aunt and uncle and my grandma, but I´ve been needing to get out with some peers. To meet new people. To just hang out and have fun. That part has been difficult. My closest cousins, which are Juliana and Maria Fernanda, are no longer living here. So my social life is a lot more limited. Thanks to my cousins Laura and  Pedro, I´ve managed to go out and have some laughs.Yesterday him, a friend of his and I went to a sexuality conference. It was pretty interesting. Good to know that I know my stuff, lol. Don´t think I learned anything new, but who doesnt love talking about penis and vagina?. LOL. Not that I have a partner to practice any of the tips she gave us, but I shall store them in an important part of the brain. Anyways, that night he invited me to play that wolf game we´ve played before with some of Newen´s friends.(Newen is my cousin, Pedro´s youngest brother) It was a pretty big group. Maybe like 15 people. I laughed a lot, which is always my intention. I realized, that I don´t laugh as much here as I do back home. The humor is a little different. Lets just say I´m more funny back home, LOL. But it was a good time. This morning I woke up with killer allergies. I hate them. I realize that when I go out, and if there are a lot of people smoking, the next day I have bad allergies. So many people smoke cigarettes here. I´m just not used to it. Surprisingly because my x boyfriend used to smoke in bed before we went to sleep and first thing in bed when we woke up. Maybe thats why I´m somewhat repulsed by it now. I hate the way I smell for the rest of the night. Moving on. Today I had a lunch at my aunt Marta´s, which is Pedro and Newen´s mom. I saw cousins that I hadn´t seen yet and that was great. Just sucked that I was feeling like absolute crap!!I wanted to hang out and spend some time together, but really as soon as my aunt said she was leaving, I left. Since Pedro brought it up during lunch, I´ll talk about it here. Its extremely hard to eat with everybody. I am most aware that it is all part of the process and learning experience. I do constantly repeat to myself that this is me loving Ana. That its for a greater purpose.That its temporary. That at the end of the month, I will be very pleased with how far I have come. Its just hard when your that person that has "special" eating needs. It definitely puts me out my comfort zone. But thats good. thats when you truly grow. Its weird because I feel very normal. I feel like I can eat like a normal person already. I´m sure many make that mistake and go to jump a stage in the process and end up throwing up, or causing damage. I refuse to throw up. I eat slow and steady and listen to my body with every bite. Yes, I promise it talks to me. Technically my stomach is still healing. I have 7 staples holding it together. I know my healing is going quicker than normal, which I am so grateful for, but still. Lets be smart here. Patience, patience, patience Ana!! People look at me and absolutely cannot believe that I had surgery 11 days ago. All my bandages are off and I feel awesome! So its hard to feel normal and still eat like someone who just had surgery. lol The smells are what really kill me. Or watching everyone drink soda, which technically I should never drink in my life again or eat hamburgers from El Corral(best burgers in the world or hot dogs with potatoe chips on them.mmmmmm so yummy!! So I breath, I repeat that I´m amazing and eat my greatly purified chicken soup my aunt made especially for me. As if I could actually eat like a normal person. I think I took a max of 10 spoonfuls, and was done. Its pretty amazing. Tomorrow I start a new phase of the diet, which allows me to eat more variety..Like mashed potatoes!!!!!!!!!!!!! woot woot. The main thing I really appreciate in this process is how much more you appreciate the food you used to just shove down your throat. Every bite is savored and medited on. Just how food should be. Makes me grateful that I injest amazing different flavors and textures, knowing that its doing my body good. Giving me the fuel to burn. What its meant to do. My first mashed potatoes, will definitely be a moment to remember.

So I have a new problem and its that a lot of my clothes are no longer fitting me. LOL what a great problem to have right? I still cant see much of a difference in the mirror. I get glimpses of it, but lose it quickly. But in my clothes, its pretty awesome to feel things getting looser and looser. I had to ask my mom to send me some smaller size clothes for the rest of my time here. I want to hold out and just go shopping once I get back home with Sarah and Erika, but I may have to give in. They just dont look cute anymore. LOL. Tomorrow is weigh in day. Something tells me I lost close to 10lbs this past week. Which is insane!! Which means that I can lose approx 40 pounds this month? We´ll see how far I get. I think being in Garzon with my dad will be beneficial for my process. Not only cuz his presence in my life fulfills me in more ways that I could ever imagine, but also because there is lots to do. We have the farm. The walks will be challenging because theres plenty of uphills and such. The heat will help me sweat more. The sun will bathe me in its glory. lol I think it will be a very good part of the process for me. On all levels. I´m very excited and hope for this week to go quickly. Excited to see my brother. Wonder if he will see a difference.

I was talking to my cousin earlier about food and the culture of it here in Colombia, and she was also somewhat tormented as a child. Always on diets and being told she was too heavy. This cousin is gorgeous and its crazy to imagine her being told that. Acceptance of yourself has to be one of the hardest things you can do. Just as you are, as you come.But it all depends on what they start programming in your mind since your a young child. No one ever taught me that I was enough. It was about this diet or that. So from a young age, I(And so many others) was taught that how I looked, was not ok and it needed to change. That´ll do a number on a little one.  I dont think that by being thin, all my happy dreams will come true. I want to be healthy and I want to reflect to the world and myself who I really am. Just tired of hiding, I guess. Tired of being so afraid. Talking with Pedro, we were saying, well this is it. Its happening and its going to happen. All the things I have been afraid of by becoming the real Ana, have to be let go now. I know that I´m letting go of them, but really this is all happening so quickly. Its pretty exciting and kind of scary at the same time. I realized this is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I think many of us do. Not specifically the weight, but loving ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we truly are. Such a big challenge. Not to mention that society puts us in a position to constantly challenge ourselves. Today, I realized how much of our lives revolve around food. Social events, work, kids, going on dates, a quick bite, the crazy rush in the morning, family. Society has conveniently provided us with plenty of things to battle against. Its designed to keep us heavy, to keep us sick so that someone can make billions off of it. Not just food industry, but diet, gyms, pharmeceuticals, lets not forget the government with the health care aspect of it all. Its pretty sad. But once you become aware that fast food is organge and red on purpose, you start to create that consciousness and you dont get sucked into it.( red, yellow and orange are colors that subliminally tell you your hungry. blues and greens provide more tranquility, not anxiety which is what normally leads you to binge.) I´m on a mission. For my world to be full of blues and greens. Whose with me? lol
Thank you for reading