Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 36

Today I had a session with the coach that brings me clarity. While I was in surgery my mom meditated and was with me during the whole process with my brother. My mom has always had an amazing capability to connect to a different dimension. Call it crazy or impossible. Whatever name you would like to give it, its ok. I´m a true believer in my mom´s powers and always have been. So much that she even asked me "does you Dr wear glasses?" lol, yes mom, he does. and your awesome!!! During that meditation with my brother and other family members that have passed, my brother, Luis had mentioned that I still have some anger issues that I need to work out. After she told me that, I started to investigate and dig to see if I really am an angry person. Yea, I definitely have angry moments. I have had moments of reaction that can ruin a great moment. Doesn´t everyone have those moments? I have come a long way since the more intense days of that. I used to not be even able to talk about my flaws and the issues I had with myself, even though I considered myself a "spritual person". I´ve come a long way in expressing how I feel and more importantly, being honest with myself, about me. Its so easy to blame everyone else for your issues, but really, the majority of the time, we are the ones that create our own chaos. We have more power over our lives than we want to be responsible for. Its a lot.
So I went to my session with the intention of talking about my anger. I think a lot my anger is mainly directed at me. For allowing myself to be abused for so long. For not loving myself for the majority of my life. For allowing myself to play the role of the victim. But where did it start? What originated that anger? With my coach I was able to discover that the anger I began with wasn´t mine. It came from my mom. Between my brother and I there is a difference of 7 years. That wasn´t a mistake. My father is an alcoholic, and those years he was a very heavy drinker, so my mother had decided to not have more children. After some years, he started going to Alcoholics Anonymous and was sober for a long time. He became an example of someone who had changed his life around and started doing good for himself. With all his success of sobriety, my mom decided to have another child. ME! I was the prize for his many great changes that he had made. I was the reward. 4 months into the pregnancy, my father relapsed and started drinking again. There are many studies that whatever happens while your in your mother´s womb, affects the baby. I´m a believer in that. and I was able to pin point the anger, acknowledge it and give back what wasn´t mine to begin with. I can only imagine the anger, fear and worry that my mother went through while being pregnant with me, having two other boys, and my father drinking away the money that was for the food.  For the majority of my life I have felt responsible for my mother´s feelings. I was not asked to do it, I was not told to do it, I just did. When my brother passed away I would only cry in the bathroom. I never wanted my mom to see me cry, because I knew if she did, she would cry too. I didn´t want to be the cause of her tears. Although as a teenager, sometimes thats unavoidable. She caught me smoking pot, and that was the ultimate no no, in the house. I wasn´t perfect, but I tried.I knew I was going against my mother´s wishes with many things, but the point was to not get caught. lol still live it up when I could and be a kid, but dont get caught. LOL It worked for a while, but eventually she caught me. and I saw her cry and vowed to quit. Again, just dont get caught lol.
The point to all of this is that I was born with anger that wasn´t mine. I was able to cut the cord, that even though I´m 29 yrs old, I still feel very attached and connected with my mom. and not always in the healthiest of ways. I think our relationship has changed a lot and its much healthier, but boundaries are key. So is trust and independance. I have lived a lot of my life for my mom. A lot of my decisions that I have made, were based on what she would think, or how it would effect her. She is an amazing support in my life and is so wise. Much of this trip, has helped me realize that I can do it without her. That its ok to fall down, cuz luckily I know how to walk, swim, run and I´m great at dancing. lol I dont blame my mom for anything. I do not resent nor do I have anger towards my mom. Quite the opposite, only have respect, admiration and love for the being that my mom is. She is a true survivor and soldier. Being responsible for her feelings  is something I created within me, maybe to have more importance or to feel that way. I´m important just by being me, with my own issues and with my own strengths. For everything difficult in my life, I´m truly grateful. (even my student loans of $200,000) I do not have one regret in my life and would not do anything over. Its all for a reason.
Bottom line, at the end of my session I felt such a huge relief in my heart. I felt lighter. I faced my anger head on, and I thanked it and asked it politely to move to the side. That at one point I may have needed it as protection and defense, but now I´m all about love. Call me a hippy, but without love, what do you truly have?
Thank you for reading.

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