Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 385- Finally

Wow, So much time has passed since I last wrote. I miss it so much. Its crazy how life just passes and so quickly time goes. I hit my year mark since I officially started this journey of transformation, 40 days ago. Since the day I started sharing with you and expressing all my inner most thoughts and feelings. Theres so much to write about. So much has happened and changed. Its hard to know how to even start. Where to begin?
First off, I'm extremely happy. I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I haven't reached all my goals yet, but I am so happy with how far I have come. Im so happy to wake up everyday and look in the mirror and know that I accept myself so much more today, than I did 385 days ago. Every morning I wake up grateful. Grateful for feeling comofortable in my own skin. Grateful for being healthy and for all the opportunities life has given me to grow. Man, the challenges are endless. But its all been so worth it. I've lost a total of 85lbs. I've plateaud for a while now. I technically still have 15lbs more to go. I still aim to get there. I have a new position at work, which has impacted my routine significantly. Hard to find the time to workout and keep a routine going. I'm in a different location everyday, so I have to start creating a new routine daily. Hasn't been easy. Good news, is that I love my  new position. I feel so free. Less responsibility and more money. Can't beat that. Well, you can. lol I could be working full time in photography, but thats not the case right now. Photography has been minimal. I was reading over some of my blogs and saw me commenting on my dedication to the business. Not the case anymore. (I'll talk about photography in another post)I'm thinking about getting my teching certificate and traveling abroad. I'm researching and planning the steps that need to be taken towards that. Its come to a point where I want to really analyze and think about the things that I truly want out of this one life that I have been given. I've come so far with my physical success, that I feel empowered to start conquering other aspects of my life that still prevent me from being thoroughly fulfilled. I want to see the world and take my camera with me. I want to work with children and have a little impact on their life. I know I've said these words before, but I want to be a little flicker of a light in someone's very dark room. Thats what I'm aiming towards.
In these last 6 months I had the pleasure of living on my own for a while. My family moved back to Colombia, so it was just me. What an experience! I thank God for that opportunity. Its over now, because my mother is back with my step dad for a little while. Many things are undefined and up in the air. Its crazy. The unknown is scary. I feel like this year will definitely be continuing my physical health and taking serious steps towards a more stable career, lifestyle. Really, just continuing to grow up. but the challenges are interesting. Within the next 6 months, I dont know where I'm going to be living. I dont know if I'll be in the same state. I dont know if I'll have the same job. My student loans seem hopeless. I fear the end result of them. Theres so much. The only thing I can do is believe that I deserve the best and work hard towards achieving it. To let go of the things I'm so fearful of, because as some of you already know, your thoughts have serious power. Be careful for what you ask for. lol
Living alone was huge for me. It was a very big process in learning how to truly love myself. For the first time in  my life, I was completely alone. I had company when I wanted it, but even for about 2 weeks, I literally dedicated myself to barely socializing and detoxing from that need to have someone around.  What an amazing lesson to committ to being happy, 100% alone. I lost it one day. My mom was gone. One of my biggest fears in life, is that my mother would leave me. I used to have nightmares about it as a child. I'm an adult now, but still it allowed me to experience that process without really "losing" my mom. Allowed me to finally face a serious fear I've carried around with me my whole life. But I did it. and it was awesome. After my little experiment, I love myself so much more. I started rescheduling dates and social events just so I can do something special for myself. I would set dates with myself and look forward to them. I know it sounds cheesy, but its been so cool. To genuinely enjoy my own company. To want a moment to be with my thoughts. To reconnect and refocus with myself. To listen to my convo. Cuz in the end, thats where the goodness lies. I hadn't seen my mom in about 4 or 5 months. So great to hear her say that she can actually, physically tell how happy I am. I haven't lost one pound since I last saw her, but to hear that I radiate happiness, is truly a gift. One that makes me cry out of gratitude.
Dating? Well, that may be a whole other post, but I'll give a little taste of what it is like for me. I have never dated in my life. Even when I had a boyfriend, it just happened. There wasn't a phase where we went on dates and did stuff to get to know each other. I'm amazed as to what I've been exposed to in this last year. People are so different. Think and act so differently. Analyze information differently. Very interesting to start being aware as to the type of person I'm perceived as. What kind of signals I give off. I had no idea, lol. I've met some great guys and have had amazing convos. But the fit hasn't been 100% just yet. Also, having this new body, comes with a whole new set of issues. I'm not used to being approached for how I look. Things now are a lot more superficial. Learning how to say no and respect your own personal boundaries is a whole new challenge. I have this new toy, and still figuring out how to use At first the attention is nice, but after a while, it kind of just makes me sad. I'm working on switching that though. I think sex is natural and amazing. Only human nature. I'm glad to be part of be included in the population that has some sex appeal. I've wished for it for so long. Its just all very new and has presented new challenges. I'm trying to just take things as they are and however their presented to me. I'm told it just comes with the territory, lol I remember being overweight and knowing that this was a big fear of mine. Of the attention. Of the superficiality of it. (is that a word? lol) of being able to say no to something that for so long I desired, but was always afraid of it. But to be honesty, I wouldn't trade this for anything. Its riskier this way, for sure. I'm ok with that. I cant imagine living the way I used to feel.  Last night my mom and I were chatting about it, cuz I recently had a man ask me out and things seemed fine until he confessed that he was married. WHAT?! So sad. Are there any loyal men out there? Is sex everything?  I hope so and hopefully not, lol Im trying not to fear it, but I just had no idea to what level being can really go. I feel a lot more exposed. I know a lot clearer what it is I'm looking for out of a partner. Its been a very interesting process to say the least. No regrets until now, its all brought me wisdom and so many other things.
Ok, I'm ending here so I can do another post with some updated pics.
If you are reading, thank you. Sorry for being absent for so long. I'm going to continue writing more consisitently. I miss it so much. It was always a huge tool through my process. My process isn't over. Not sure if it ever will be, but in the meantime, I'll share it openly and with much love. :)