Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 45-48

My feet, the pool and the house
These days have been great. They’ve been amazing. Its been quiet and so peaceful. I have been taking full advantage of all the time with my Dad. Its amazing how spending some extra days alone, things start to become more real than just a vacation visit. The farm is lonely and I absolutely love it. I have missed writing so much. Its hard to get internet here where I am and its amazing how dependant you become on the network. I also realize that I need to write. Its part of my therapy. So when things are good and when things are bad, I need you. Its part of creating the new habits to replace the over eating I used to indulge in. Especially when things were bad, eating was definitely a partner of mine. Now that’s not even an option. It was interesting to observe for a minute, me scurrying for something. An escape of some sort. Something else to fill that void. I’ve been reading. I’ve been walking with my Dad. I’ve been swimming. Its all still feeling very healthy and definitely coming from a place of true love. I still feel lots of love coming from me to me, and I can feel it more than ever from everyone else. I guess that’s how it works. Once you open that door for yourself, its as if everyone can tell and they want to take part of it and be part of whatever your creating for yourself. Today I was swimming my laps, and I had an uncle( that never says a whole lot) tell me that he is impressed with my physical stamina with the swimming. It felt awesome to heart it. Not just the words, but his words. It was so fulfilling because I kind of feel that way towards myself too. Now that I’m swimming again, its almost as if I never stopped and I’m really good at it. I love that I can swim again. Its very freeing. When I swim, my mind is clear. I am totally in the now. Paying attention to my breath, to the stroke. How my arms are flowing through the water. If I’m kicking hard enough, and how great the water feels on my face. How weightless I feel. I truly appreciate it. Im up to 18 laps. Which is like 2 or 3 olympic size pool laps but I’m very proud to be at it again. I’ve been helping my dad on the farm, which is for sure a different routine for me, but I love it. Love getting dirty. Feeding the chickens and helping with the cows. Love being part of his world. We went for a walk yesterday and he took me on a little agricultural tour. I realize he is an encyclopedia of plants, trees, fruits and vegetables. I was impressed with all of the information he had. How it grows, what type of soil is best for it, endless info on the land and its production. I was pleasantly surprised and admired him for it. Definitely a new feeling towards my Dad. Its been really cute with him. We watch movies together. We talk about family stuff that I never knew about. We talk about his fears, his worries and his moments of optimism. We express to each other how important it is for both of us to be together at this point of time. And truly how fulfilling it is for my heart to have this moment with him. It warms me fully to say that I have a Dad and were hangin out. I used to dream about saying that. I realize how alike we can be sometimes as well as how different. I’m proud that he hasn’t been drunk. Hes had a few drinks when my brother was here, but nothing out of control, which if you know anything about alcoholism, its pretty impressive. A sip can totally lead to a relapse of a sad past. So I’m proud of my Dad. I love him each day more and more. Hes a cool guy. Hes smart. And extremely loving. We have definitely come a long way.
So the food situation has been really good. Nothing has made me sick and I’ve been feeling great. Eating slow is key and chewing everything is important. Eating is a skill. Most people inhale. I appreciate every flavor, texture and consistency like never before. It has actually become somewhat of a meditation for me. I’m very quiet when I eat. I do not participate in the table convo. I stay in my mind and in the now. Make sure to breath in between bites. When I’m half way done, everyone’s done. Not to mention that my portions are like kids play compared to everybodys. Its been an interesting process, that’s for sure. Anyways, Here are some pics to show you what I’ve been up to some. For some visual entertaining.
Thank you for reading.

Aunt Marcela, me and my Dad
The chickens I help feed.  
The whole pool with the house. This is the "backyard"
Just to give you an idea of the peacocks. I have so many better shots of them, but just for now. Their so awesome.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 43&44

I hate that I`m easily influenced by other people`s presence or attitude or words. I am aware that I allow people to get to me way too easily and I truly dislike that about me. I`ve been angry. I`ve been feeling like all I want is to be alone. I`m here, trying to enjoy my family and enviornment, but theres always that one person that just ruins it for me. I`m super annoyed and feeling as if I`m isolating myself more and more. That person that thinks their jokes are funny but yet their insulting and rude and simply doesn´t know how to socialize or when to be quiet. I thought I was alone on this, but thankfully I`m not. Well I dont know if thankfully, but at least I know its not all in my mind. The problem is that I seem to be the only one that allows these things to truly bother me and ruin perfectly good moments. I`m moody. I`m quiet. and not really feeling all that great. So my solution has been to stay away. All I wanna do is my cry and be in bed. Weird to feel to depressed. I had been doing so well and feeling pretty great, but I guess its normal to still have your days. I just really dont like who I turn into when I`m like this. It feels like the old me. But the old me wasn`t so bad. I feel angry and a bit lost. Thankfully I have this cute little cousin that I cant help to be happy around. We played with Barbies and were supposed to go swimming together but it poured today. Yesterday I was able to start swimming which felt amazing since I haven´t been able to swim in about 5 years due to my ear problems. I got ear plugs and It felt amazing. I`ve also spent time laying in a hammock and reading. So there have definitely been some good points these couple of days, but mainly I`ve just been quiet and not that great of company. I know my Dad is worried. He is constantly asking me whats wrong and such. I feel bad because I dont want him to worry. Its hard because were around each other so much and its all a learning situation. Learning how to read each other and know that I have my moments. Plus a dog that never comes by anyone just came by me and let me pet her, and that definitely just helped my mood. See, moody! lol up, down, up down. Guess my brother leaves tonight. Good on one side, bad on another. I`m excited to spend more time just me and my dad. I think the quiet will definitely help me enjoy these two weeks. Not like I wont see him in a bit anyways. I like the fact of having this amazing place all to myself. Not sure if I`ll have internet tomorrow but as soon as I do again, I`ll post more pics of the farm. Technically I`m in paradise and shouldn`t allow anything to ruin that for me.
The other things I struggle with is everyone`s opinions about how I should be running my life now. I understand people care and want to have a say in my success, but its my life. and not everything that works for other people, will work for me or is for me. I chose how this process goes. I want this to be something I enjoy, not something I dread or feel like I suffer through. But I realize that when I say no to something that someone says I should do, its as if I disappoint or let down. So sorry for that, but its not about anyone but me. So to disappoint someone is really not my problem anymore. Again, I live for me, not for everyone else. I have to keep remembering that because I refuse to feel guilty for making my own choices. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent. I realize I cant be as brutally honest about everything because people read this. and unlike others, I dont want to offend and I dont want to insult anyone. Although I feel hurt, I still have respect. So I apologize for the lack of details. Sorry this one isn`t so happy go lucky. but tomorrow is a new day. I look forward to it.
Thank you for reading

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 42

Waking up to peacocks crowing and birds chirping is probably the most amazing thing ever. Being at my family farm, Castalia, Its one of my favorite things. Its truly a paradise and I`m so grateful for the opportunity to be here. Especially for the next 2 weeks and a half. So excited. It has been a long time that I`ve been able to spend that much time here. Especially that its kind of alone. During holidays and family events there are at least 50 people hangin out here. Right now its pretty lonely for the farm, but makes me so happy. Its so great to see my Dad and be able to just hang out with him. My brother and I woke up at 630am to go for a walk, which is his routine when he is back home. Not really the walk, but he wakes up that early to workout..Me,, not so much lol. I made the effort so that we could spend some time together. Especially alone. I have to take advantage of that every time I can because it doesn`t happen often. It was nice to have that time to ourselves and just walk and chat about how things will be when I get back home. and my routine and my food. and when to cook and how to prepare things. My brother has always been very logical and he is wise when it comes to serious logic, so I hear him out when he talks because theres always something clever thats about to be said. I guess I also feel loved by him when he takes the time to talk with me He gives good advice and is always so funny. Any humor I have comes from him, which in turn both of our humor comes from my Dad. My Dad is known to be the clown of the family and is a pretty hysterial guy. So I can say that I have laughed a lot these past days. the best part is that we have laughed together. I`ve actually made him laugh, which is pretty cool. It may sound silly, but one of the ways I measure personal succes is if I can make someone laugh. I know how amazing I feel when I laugh, so when I can give laughter to someone, its truly a gift. I do feel happier and I feel more content with the relationships that I have in my life. Of course they need work, but what relationship doesn`t? I just know that I have come a long way as far as opening up to people and letting them see who I truly am. I feel less afraid of that. Its so challenging but so freeing and liberating.
Thank you for reading.
My cousin Laura and I. This girl is hysterical. 
For MaFe. My uncle Guille posing with an exotic flower on the farm

My brother`s farm. My Dad takes care of it and has made it grown with his own hands. 

My brother Juan, my Dad and Me!!!

Day 41

So my brother got in and it was really great to see him. It was something comforting to see a familiar face from how. It feels refreshing somehow. It was also nice to hear him say that he sees a big difference in me. That opinion, next to mine, is prob one of the most important ones for me. Think thats how its always been my whole life. Waiting for my brother to approve things in my life.  Anyways, It was super nice to see him. We left that afternoon to Betania, which was an 8hr drive. I had to stop a couple times to walk and get the blood flowing in my legs. Drs orders. So it was a long ride, but I loved every minute. I think it was more the change of scene and the whole traveling aspect of it that I really loved.

Yesterday we were in the boat all day and it was actually kind of cold, so I didnt go in the water and I was getting sniffly. But I did decide I was going to try and actually eat new things. That I would take it little by little and listen to my body. So I did. and so far so good. I can even explain to you how amazing it feels to actually eat the same things other people are eating. Its an amazing feeling and I`m very proud of my body for that. On Saturday I weighed myself and I´m offically at a 30lbs loss. Pretty damn excited about it. I have to remind myself that, thats enough. I was a little furstrated because only 2lbs in 4 days. Well, I can do that on my own. With surgery I expect more. Maybe thats my problem. I shouldn`t expect anything. My only focus should be loving me and feeling incredibly happy as much as I can. and feeling comfortable and excited to be me. So much harder than it seems. But, repeat to myself that I`m doing great no matter what. I`m doing great no matter what. I`m doing great no matter what.

Today is our last day here in Betania and then we are heading to my dads in Garzon. A small town, where we have our family farm, which is simply amazing. Its peaceful and a perfect place to just be. Although it our last day, I wish I could be alone. I`m annoyed. I`m frustrated. and I wanna cry and scream. I would love to make up that I dont feel well and just spend the day reading in a hammock. But I also realize that my moods are momentary. That I cant always allow my mood to control a good moment or good opportunity. That sometimes, I shouldn´t give in to what I feel is what I "need". THe beast within me has a great way of convincing me that what I need is to isolate myself and truly, thats not who I want to be anymore. So I force myself and get on the boat and it turned out to be an amazing day. The sun was shinning. The wind was perfect. The water was warm and felt amazing on my skin. While wading in the water with my little cousin, I gave thanks to God for being able to take part in such amazing beauty, and for allowing me to grow in difficult circumstances. For giving me the strength to sit outside the box and see the opportunity to change a bad habit. I`m thankful for that. I would`ve missed out on great bonding time with family and a some great moments that I appreciated for me.
Thank you for reading

This is the view I got to wake up to for 2 mornings. Definitely something to be grateful for. 

Day 37-40

So last night was my uncle Jorge´s birthday so we had a dinner at his house. It was nice to have an event to attend to. For the first time I tried some fish and its actually made me nauseous the whole day. Wasn`t cuz of the fish, but the onions it was cooked in. Onions are a big no no for me. Their very harsh and hard to digest. Definitely learned my lesson on that one. I have been getting frustrated not being able to eat normally. I asked my aunt the to other day, "will I ever eat normally again?" I realize its a process and it takes time. Technically I`m still healing. So this weekend my brother and his wife arrive and then we are going to a place called Betania. Its a resort type place that has a huge lake(which my uncle helped develop) Its always a blast there. All types of water sports and all day in a boat. Thankfully the Dr approved me going on the boat. Just to be careful getting on and off. Still cant push myself too much. So it seems like patience is my biggest lesson in this transformation so far. Something I used to be very horrible at. I`m becoming a pro. lol. So I`m grateful for that.

My aunt Carmen and I. She has lost 140lbs with bipass surgery. Shes amazing

My grandmother, Cecilia and I. She can be so cute
My uncle Jorge and I. Such an amazing guy. It was his 60th birthday!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 36

Today I had a session with the coach that brings me clarity. While I was in surgery my mom meditated and was with me during the whole process with my brother. My mom has always had an amazing capability to connect to a different dimension. Call it crazy or impossible. Whatever name you would like to give it, its ok. I´m a true believer in my mom´s powers and always have been. So much that she even asked me "does you Dr wear glasses?" lol, yes mom, he does. and your awesome!!! During that meditation with my brother and other family members that have passed, my brother, Luis had mentioned that I still have some anger issues that I need to work out. After she told me that, I started to investigate and dig to see if I really am an angry person. Yea, I definitely have angry moments. I have had moments of reaction that can ruin a great moment. Doesn´t everyone have those moments? I have come a long way since the more intense days of that. I used to not be even able to talk about my flaws and the issues I had with myself, even though I considered myself a "spritual person". I´ve come a long way in expressing how I feel and more importantly, being honest with myself, about me. Its so easy to blame everyone else for your issues, but really, the majority of the time, we are the ones that create our own chaos. We have more power over our lives than we want to be responsible for. Its a lot.
So I went to my session with the intention of talking about my anger. I think a lot my anger is mainly directed at me. For allowing myself to be abused for so long. For not loving myself for the majority of my life. For allowing myself to play the role of the victim. But where did it start? What originated that anger? With my coach I was able to discover that the anger I began with wasn´t mine. It came from my mom. Between my brother and I there is a difference of 7 years. That wasn´t a mistake. My father is an alcoholic, and those years he was a very heavy drinker, so my mother had decided to not have more children. After some years, he started going to Alcoholics Anonymous and was sober for a long time. He became an example of someone who had changed his life around and started doing good for himself. With all his success of sobriety, my mom decided to have another child. ME! I was the prize for his many great changes that he had made. I was the reward. 4 months into the pregnancy, my father relapsed and started drinking again. There are many studies that whatever happens while your in your mother´s womb, affects the baby. I´m a believer in that. and I was able to pin point the anger, acknowledge it and give back what wasn´t mine to begin with. I can only imagine the anger, fear and worry that my mother went through while being pregnant with me, having two other boys, and my father drinking away the money that was for the food.  For the majority of my life I have felt responsible for my mother´s feelings. I was not asked to do it, I was not told to do it, I just did. When my brother passed away I would only cry in the bathroom. I never wanted my mom to see me cry, because I knew if she did, she would cry too. I didn´t want to be the cause of her tears. Although as a teenager, sometimes thats unavoidable. She caught me smoking pot, and that was the ultimate no no, in the house. I wasn´t perfect, but I tried.I knew I was going against my mother´s wishes with many things, but the point was to not get caught. lol still live it up when I could and be a kid, but dont get caught. LOL It worked for a while, but eventually she caught me. and I saw her cry and vowed to quit. Again, just dont get caught lol.
The point to all of this is that I was born with anger that wasn´t mine. I was able to cut the cord, that even though I´m 29 yrs old, I still feel very attached and connected with my mom. and not always in the healthiest of ways. I think our relationship has changed a lot and its much healthier, but boundaries are key. So is trust and independance. I have lived a lot of my life for my mom. A lot of my decisions that I have made, were based on what she would think, or how it would effect her. She is an amazing support in my life and is so wise. Much of this trip, has helped me realize that I can do it without her. That its ok to fall down, cuz luckily I know how to walk, swim, run and I´m great at dancing. lol I dont blame my mom for anything. I do not resent nor do I have anger towards my mom. Quite the opposite, only have respect, admiration and love for the being that my mom is. She is a true survivor and soldier. Being responsible for her feelings  is something I created within me, maybe to have more importance or to feel that way. I´m important just by being me, with my own issues and with my own strengths. For everything difficult in my life, I´m truly grateful. (even my student loans of $200,000) I do not have one regret in my life and would not do anything over. Its all for a reason.
Bottom line, at the end of my session I felt such a huge relief in my heart. I felt lighter. I faced my anger head on, and I thanked it and asked it politely to move to the side. That at one point I may have needed it as protection and defense, but now I´m all about love. Call me a hippy, but without love, what do you truly have?
Thank you for reading.

Day 35

I was a little off but I was pretty close. Lost 8 pounds in one week!!!!! The first week after surgery. I´m pretty proud. So total loss so far is 28 pounds. I think thats pretty impressive. I am proud and have started to see a little bit of difference. Obviously still in my clothes, but I started to see it a little in my face and in my stomach. All my bruises are healing nicely. Hopefully by the time I get to warm weather most of the scabs will be gone, as well as the green and purple marks.

So we all know change is really hard. Its hard to get to that point and decide, that from now on things will be different in my life. and to actually follow through with it. I think the main change that needs to happen, is the way you think. The way you perceive things. and the way  you allow your thoughts to create an emotional reaction. I look at myself in the mirror, yea I´ve lost 28 pounds and I´m proud of that success, but its still not enough. Just by having that thought "that its still not enough", I know I haven´t fully made the mental changes that I want. What do you mean its not enough? Yea there is still some ways to go, but the point is to be proud unconditionally. I cant remember the last time I lost that much weight, or the last time I felt this good for this long period of time. Thats my goal. Acceptance is still an issue in my life. So what ,I´m not good enough yet because I haven´t lost my 100lbs? Deep down I know its not true. Today, as I sit here, I´m good enough. But the beast within me still has some strength. and its so good at creeping back in when I least need it. I´m sure a lot of it is habit. So used to criticizing myself on a constant basis. So I know I´m doing a great job, and I hear it all day long from people seeing me. I do feel more confident and  feel happier and I feel much more loved by myself than I ever have, but theres still some work to do. Not just physically. I know skinny people that are unhappy with their lives. I refuse to live like that. I´m aware that my emotional and mental issues need to be addressed in order for this process to be considered successful.
Thank you for reading

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 33 &34

The weekend went pretty well. I was able to actually go out with people of my age. I love my aunt and uncle and my grandma, but I´ve been needing to get out with some peers. To meet new people. To just hang out and have fun. That part has been difficult. My closest cousins, which are Juliana and Maria Fernanda, are no longer living here. So my social life is a lot more limited. Thanks to my cousins Laura and  Pedro, I´ve managed to go out and have some laughs.Yesterday him, a friend of his and I went to a sexuality conference. It was pretty interesting. Good to know that I know my stuff, lol. Don´t think I learned anything new, but who doesnt love talking about penis and vagina?. LOL. Not that I have a partner to practice any of the tips she gave us, but I shall store them in an important part of the brain. Anyways, that night he invited me to play that wolf game we´ve played before with some of Newen´s friends.(Newen is my cousin, Pedro´s youngest brother) It was a pretty big group. Maybe like 15 people. I laughed a lot, which is always my intention. I realized, that I don´t laugh as much here as I do back home. The humor is a little different. Lets just say I´m more funny back home, LOL. But it was a good time. This morning I woke up with killer allergies. I hate them. I realize that when I go out, and if there are a lot of people smoking, the next day I have bad allergies. So many people smoke cigarettes here. I´m just not used to it. Surprisingly because my x boyfriend used to smoke in bed before we went to sleep and first thing in bed when we woke up. Maybe thats why I´m somewhat repulsed by it now. I hate the way I smell for the rest of the night. Moving on. Today I had a lunch at my aunt Marta´s, which is Pedro and Newen´s mom. I saw cousins that I hadn´t seen yet and that was great. Just sucked that I was feeling like absolute crap!!I wanted to hang out and spend some time together, but really as soon as my aunt said she was leaving, I left. Since Pedro brought it up during lunch, I´ll talk about it here. Its extremely hard to eat with everybody. I am most aware that it is all part of the process and learning experience. I do constantly repeat to myself that this is me loving Ana. That its for a greater purpose.That its temporary. That at the end of the month, I will be very pleased with how far I have come. Its just hard when your that person that has "special" eating needs. It definitely puts me out my comfort zone. But thats good. thats when you truly grow. Its weird because I feel very normal. I feel like I can eat like a normal person already. I´m sure many make that mistake and go to jump a stage in the process and end up throwing up, or causing damage. I refuse to throw up. I eat slow and steady and listen to my body with every bite. Yes, I promise it talks to me. Technically my stomach is still healing. I have 7 staples holding it together. I know my healing is going quicker than normal, which I am so grateful for, but still. Lets be smart here. Patience, patience, patience Ana!! People look at me and absolutely cannot believe that I had surgery 11 days ago. All my bandages are off and I feel awesome! So its hard to feel normal and still eat like someone who just had surgery. lol The smells are what really kill me. Or watching everyone drink soda, which technically I should never drink in my life again or eat hamburgers from El Corral(best burgers in the world or hot dogs with potatoe chips on them.mmmmmm so yummy!! So I breath, I repeat that I´m amazing and eat my greatly purified chicken soup my aunt made especially for me. As if I could actually eat like a normal person. I think I took a max of 10 spoonfuls, and was done. Its pretty amazing. Tomorrow I start a new phase of the diet, which allows me to eat more variety..Like mashed potatoes!!!!!!!!!!!!! woot woot. The main thing I really appreciate in this process is how much more you appreciate the food you used to just shove down your throat. Every bite is savored and medited on. Just how food should be. Makes me grateful that I injest amazing different flavors and textures, knowing that its doing my body good. Giving me the fuel to burn. What its meant to do. My first mashed potatoes, will definitely be a moment to remember.

So I have a new problem and its that a lot of my clothes are no longer fitting me. LOL what a great problem to have right? I still cant see much of a difference in the mirror. I get glimpses of it, but lose it quickly. But in my clothes, its pretty awesome to feel things getting looser and looser. I had to ask my mom to send me some smaller size clothes for the rest of my time here. I want to hold out and just go shopping once I get back home with Sarah and Erika, but I may have to give in. They just dont look cute anymore. LOL. Tomorrow is weigh in day. Something tells me I lost close to 10lbs this past week. Which is insane!! Which means that I can lose approx 40 pounds this month? We´ll see how far I get. I think being in Garzon with my dad will be beneficial for my process. Not only cuz his presence in my life fulfills me in more ways that I could ever imagine, but also because there is lots to do. We have the farm. The walks will be challenging because theres plenty of uphills and such. The heat will help me sweat more. The sun will bathe me in its glory. lol I think it will be a very good part of the process for me. On all levels. I´m very excited and hope for this week to go quickly. Excited to see my brother. Wonder if he will see a difference.

I was talking to my cousin earlier about food and the culture of it here in Colombia, and she was also somewhat tormented as a child. Always on diets and being told she was too heavy. This cousin is gorgeous and its crazy to imagine her being told that. Acceptance of yourself has to be one of the hardest things you can do. Just as you are, as you come.But it all depends on what they start programming in your mind since your a young child. No one ever taught me that I was enough. It was about this diet or that. So from a young age, I(And so many others) was taught that how I looked, was not ok and it needed to change. That´ll do a number on a little one.  I dont think that by being thin, all my happy dreams will come true. I want to be healthy and I want to reflect to the world and myself who I really am. Just tired of hiding, I guess. Tired of being so afraid. Talking with Pedro, we were saying, well this is it. Its happening and its going to happen. All the things I have been afraid of by becoming the real Ana, have to be let go now. I know that I´m letting go of them, but really this is all happening so quickly. Its pretty exciting and kind of scary at the same time. I realized this is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I think many of us do. Not specifically the weight, but loving ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we truly are. Such a big challenge. Not to mention that society puts us in a position to constantly challenge ourselves. Today, I realized how much of our lives revolve around food. Social events, work, kids, going on dates, a quick bite, the crazy rush in the morning, family. Society has conveniently provided us with plenty of things to battle against. Its designed to keep us heavy, to keep us sick so that someone can make billions off of it. Not just food industry, but diet, gyms, pharmeceuticals, lets not forget the government with the health care aspect of it all. Its pretty sad. But once you become aware that fast food is organge and red on purpose, you start to create that consciousness and you dont get sucked into it.( red, yellow and orange are colors that subliminally tell you your hungry. blues and greens provide more tranquility, not anxiety which is what normally leads you to binge.) I´m on a mission. For my world to be full of blues and greens. Whose with me? lol
Thank you for reading

Friday, March 11, 2011

Day 30,31&32

Its been a couple of days since I last wrote. I apologize and need to be more up to date. Day 30(Wed) the Drs office called and asked if I could come in that day instead of Thurs or Fri....ummmmm hell yea. So I went. A little nervous of what it was all going to feel like getting the stitches taken out and especially the tube. So my Aunt Marcela came with me in case I needed someone to hold my hand. He took a look at me and said that everything looked awesome. That I´m an "exceptional patient". That people dont normally heal at my speed and that usually there is definitely some pain. Well, I feel none really. My main complaint was that tube. So he warns me that its not pleasant to take it out. So I breathed and took my mind to my happy place. Which is an abandonded beach where its just me walking up and down in a red bikini super, super happy. I love red, so I guess thats why I automatically have a red bikini. lol. I definitely felt the stitches come out from my belly button. Those were not pleasant at all because he had to pull the stitch so he can cut it since it was so far down there. Then the moment I had prepared so much for was done before I knew it. I think I actually was there in that beach and when the Dr said "done", I couldn´t believe it. He shows me the tube that was inside and it was like 8 or 9 inches long. I was a bit shocked by that. I got dressed and sat down and my blood pressure dropped like crazy. Thought I was going to faint. Super hot and sweaty and dizzy. He told me I looked like a ghost. I relaxed and  he gave me some green tea and I was fine after a while. He weighed me and I have lost significantly. From Monday to Thursday I had lost 6 pounds. I was pleased with that. Its a lot, so I just have to make sure I´m getting the nutrients I need. He gave me the ok to travel and to workout. I cant lift weights or anything heavy, but I´m to walk. and walk a lot. So thats what I´ve been doing. He said its a good idea to see the other Dr before I leave for Garzon(town where my dad lives) just to see if its time to adjust my blood pressure pills or even to suspend them all together. So it feels great to feel normal. I still have gauze on the hole where the tube was, which will heal within the week. Since I´m a quick healer, the hole is already closed but I am mainting it covered until I see more scabs form. Just to be safe. I´m so excited for next weekend. My brother and sis in law are coming to visit and I´m getting out of Bogota for some time. I´m going to take advantage and spend about 3 weeks with my Dad. The longest we´ve spent together as an adult. and as a new relationship that him and I are both working on. I´m sure you´ll hear much more about that while I´m there. For now I have come to stay with my uncle Guillermo and aunt Marcela. It is so much more peaceful here and comfortable. I actually feel wanted here and very loved. My aunt cooks delicous so the soups I have been eating have been so delicous. I do have to stay the difficulty of it all has begun. I still eat every 2 hours so I´m not that hungry really, but sitting at a table where people are eating mashed potatoes is not easy.(my absolute favorite food ever) I have to breathe and remind myself this is for a greater purpose and that my soup is yummyyyy!!!! lol  and really soon I will be able to eat anything I want. Just very small amounts of it. More has started to fit in my stomach which is a good sign, so that I can fully nourish myself. Obvioulsy the amounts that I eat are significanlty less, which is huge, but what I´m really greatful for is that I dont have that killer appetite that I used to have. Its definitely helpful. Today my cousin Pedro came to visit me and brought me a delicious popsicle. and he started reading some things based on illnesses with their emotional connection. Today I have had horrible allergies, so he read that allergies are related to intolerable perfectionism. Oh shit! lol It made sense to me. I am always so hard on myself for things. He asked me what am I afraid of, and I said, failure. Failure of many things, but it was interesting to notice that I think I´m afraid of failure out of habit, not because I´m really afraid of failing at the weight loss and transformatin because I´m so sure that this is it. and especially because I have already been so damn successful. On many many levels. I feel constantly loved lately, and its because I give it to myself and accept that, therefore people are starting to show it more to me as well. Its pretty cool to witness. Its a breath of fresh air, really. I´m grateful I can feel myself loving me everyday and that I haven´t felt the emotion of guilt in a long, long time. Guilt is exhausting, while love is fulfilling.
I miss home. and I consulted with my Dr, thinking that I think its a good idea to go home earlier than expected. I feel that if I am physically ok and capable, that I would like to get home and start implementing my new routine and habits into my daily life. He agreed and said it was a very intelligent idea. Thats really where my main challenges will start to appear. Here I´m very spoiled. I haven´t cooked a day yet. So I know I have to start getting into the habit of preparing my breakfast and my lunches because eating out is no longer an option. At this point, my body would reject nor do I have any interest in dancing with the devil. So there is a lot to get home too. Even back to work. I miss work. I miss that level of productivity. So I see the Dr again on April 8th and that day will be decided when I can leave. Something tells me I´ll be home by April 18th. Dont ask why, thats just my instinct. I will keep you guys updated and sorry but I have no pics today.
Good bless everyone effected by this Tsunami, its absolutely crazy.
Thank you for reading

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 28 & 29

So my recuperation is going fantastic. I dont think I could have been more grateful for how things are going. The eating is interesting and so has been waking up. The first couple days was just gatorade, water and flavored water. Yesterday was the first time that I could injest protein. Still all liquids, but I can have jello, protein drinks, and blended chicken.mmmmm lol. Its actually not that bad. I'm so grateful for the simplicity of it all. For me at least. Actual surgery I'm sure wasn't the simplest. I tend to prepare for the worst and hope for the best and it has always gotten me great results. I expected serious pain and agony. I was mentally prepared. Also mentally prepared for the difficulty with food. In all honestly I haven't felt hunger. I dont have cravings. I do realize that your sense of smell has a lot to do with your hunger. You smell something delicious and something within you wakes up and says, Hey!!!! lol Than you say, Noooo! I eat every two hours because I know my body needs it. I get full so fast. I take a max of 7 sips and I'm done. Today was a great day. Since yesterday I started eating proteins, today I woke up with no dizziness or weakness. So I made my bed, folded my clothes and actually went for a walk with my cousin Laura.(she is also my therapy. shes the most funny person here) I walked a total of 8 blocks and up and down 9 It was a good day. My biggest problem is my grandmother. Its exhausting. I understand these are all life lessons and all, but SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! man o man. She is my biggest struggle. She hates that I barely eat so its constantly eat! eat! eat! thats a killer. Today they ordered pizza, and I chose not to sit by them. But of course my grandma had to offer it over and over and over again. We faught. Not pleasant at all. But day by day. Moment by moment. Right? lol Its draining. But thats life. With every great thing, there will be something to counterbalance it.  A close friend just said it perfectly, "Theres no such thing as a free lunch", but damnit, I'm not hungry LOL One thing I know I will leave so much more patient, and so much more appreciate of what I have back home. Last night I had a dream that I ate two hamburgers. I was so mad at myself. After everything. I could hear myself screaming saying just eat half of one. But no, the old Ana would do something silly like that. Its so great to wake up from  a nightmare like that. Everyday I feel better and better and everyday I am aware that my struggles will be for the rest of my life. I am ready for them and will take them on one by one. In the meanwhile, remembering that this is my choice and it is all for a greater purpose. Which is to love Ana, the way she truly deserves to be loved for. I feel like I've come such a long way. Yesterday, the 7th, was my month anniversary here. And I am so proud to say that I met my goal of losing 20lbs!!!!!!! 18 of those pounds, were me alone with watching what I eat and exercise. In two days I had lost 2lbs since the surgery. So I'm sure March will be a good month for more loss of the fat that I have been hiding behind for so many years. Everyone here sees and and only now am I starting to see just a tiny bit of it. Im truly excited and feel lovelier and lovelier with each day that passes. Thats it for me. I'm tired. Here are some more pics. I warn you, some are graphic. I decided to capture what my stomach looks like now, so for those who are curious can see whats going on.
Thank you for reading.

Before surgery with my Aunt Beatriz.
She drove me to the clinic. Is one of the sweetest people I know.
  My aunt Carmen Ceilia, Me and my aunt Marcela.



3 holes of the surgery. Top, Right and belly button.Then my drainage tube that connects to a pump like thing. I know its kinda graphic. But hey, its part of the process. Here my stomach is still swollen. Normally you can see my bellybutton, but not yet. Excited for my scars!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 27- My farewell to fat

Dear Fat,
Just wanted to dedicate this post to you in remembrance of. The time has come for you and I to part ways. You have been a part of my life since I was a young girl. You served your purpose and thank you, but I no longer need you anymore. You have been with me through thick and thin, through up and down, through size 8 to 18, and through depression and abuse. For so many years, I have allowed you to run and maniupulate my life. I have allowed you to keep me scared of how great I can truly be. I have allowed you to literally create distance and isolation from things that make me genuinely happy. This may be hard for you to hear, but I'm breaking up with you. Out of all the unhealthy relationships I have been in, you are by far the most damagine to my heart and soul. Your sneaky like the devil, because for so many years, I had no idea you were the problem in my life. I blamed others and never took responsibility. You have prevented me from so many fun times and new exciting adventures, that I've gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of having you around. I know your misery loves my company, but I am no longer available nor willing to keep you around as my safety blanket. I'm not scared anymore. I'm curious as to what I look like naked without you near me. As to what I'm capable of without you there to weigh me down. As to how great my life is becoming without constantly having you so present. Now people are commenting on how great I'm starting to look and not why it is I've gained so much of you. Your annoying to live with and have finally gotten the bravery to let you go. The bravery to let you melt away and let the real "Ana" become present. I'm done letting you hide me and restrict me. I vow to never let you back in my life because the new love that I am finding for myself is so much more valuable than anything else I know. My surgery to help get rid of you was a sign of my true dedication that I want you out for good this time. Its time for this flower to do some serious blooming and your just not cool enough to be part of my club anymore. There is only room for genuine love and powerful light in my life now. I do thank you for everything you have provided me, for at those moments I truly believed I needed you to survive. Turns out I'm all great just on my own. Just as I AM.
So thank you, but no thank you. This is my farewell to you.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 25 & 26

This is before leaving for the hospital in my grandmother's backyard.

So I'm home. Two days later and I'm sitting in the same spot as I was when I last wrote. So much has changed for me. Not to mention that I have about 80% less of a stomach, but that it all went so amazing. Waking up was nothing fun really. Neither was right before I knocked out. but all in all, I really have no complaints. I had prepared myself for severe pain and aches, and I feel pretty normal. The only thing is I'm a little weak. I obviously can't jump up and down or anything. But I can laugh, I can yawn, I can cough without pain. Theres a tightness in my chest and shoulders but nothing compared to what I had prepared for. The biggest pain in my ass is a tube that is attached to a pump that drains all the extra blood, fluid and left over stomach out of me. Its a little disturbing. I dont like the idea of anything sticking out of me through a hole. But really, thats the worst of it. I'm so grateful. I figured to start sharing some images of my process too.  (request of a close follower. Before you all get bored. LOL)
My Grandmother and I. We wore white in honor of my surgery.
Anxiously awaiting to be taken away to begin the process. I had just found out that I had lost 4 more pounds!!!!!

Day after surgery. IV is on the closest hand. In my other hand you can see I'm holding a pump. You can see the red tube. You will never see me this heavy again!!!
My bracelet. Just my name, birth date, Id # and that I'm allergic to Penicilin.

 So theres some of my exciting journey. Eating has definitely been a challenge. All I wanted was some ice or water. The day after surgery the Dr came to see me and was very impressed with how well I was doing. I started walking around and once they took another xray to say that the stomach looked good, I was able to start eating popsicles. Orange popsicles in water. I can't even eat a whole one before feeling full. Imagine that. Today its only been gatorade, and popsicles. I can no longer chug anything..ever again. Everything is through a straw and little by little. I haven't really felt hungry, but sitting at the table with my family tonight while they had scrambled eggs and hot chocolate and bread, wasn't the easiest. But its ok. This is all for a greater purpose. Thats what I kept repeating to myself when I woke up and threw up 5 times. This is all for a greater purpose and this shall pass. My aunt Marcela stayed both nights with me in the hospital. She was a great step in for my mom. I can't tell you how much I miss my mom. My aunt took good care of me and was awesome support.I'm grateful to be in my own bed tonight. I'm sure my aunt is too! lol I have been surrounded by great company all day. Had many visitors including my Dad. Hes been great, extremely supportive and helpin out with the laughs. He's a funny guy. Thank you to all who wrote, visited, called, prayed and thought of me. Its all going towards a great healing process. I do have to have an injection everyday for the next 7 days. So theres a couple things I'll be excited to be done with in a week. After that my Dr said I'll be ok to travel so I'll be going to Castalia, my family's farm, for about 20 days or so. A change of scenery will do me some great good. From now on I will include photos to keep you all entertained..LOL I'm ready for some quick, incredible changes. I am stronger today than I was yesterday. Gnite all.
Thank you for reading

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 24

So this is it. I'm about to leave for the clinic and I'm super excited. I started to feel a few butterflies in my stomach but I'm remaining calm. I love you all and am super grateful for all the love and support. Here we go, here we go, here we go now!!!!!
This is it...My time is NOW

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day 23-The night before

So today was a great relaxing day. I had an appointment with my coach and it was always. I also went to the movies with my new best friend...the bestest friend I could ever ask for....ME ha! Came home and relaxed with my uncle and my grandmother. Did some good laughing. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling ready. Still have a steady hand. lol No shaking going on here. Had some great conversations today and I'm so grateful for them. They were very inspiring and really touched my soul. I'm very confident with my decision to go through with this. Last night I had an offer come up that was to either take road A, which is the surgery, as planned. or road B, which would put more money in my pocket for a car or whatever I would like to use it for. I slept on it. Before I fell asleep I asked God and the light(same thing, really) to help me. To make my decision easy and very clear. I woke up today and my first thought was, I'm having surgery tomorrow. and that was that. I realize that this process may effect some people in different ways. But again, I have to live my life for myself. For what I believe is right for me. Cars and money has never really brought me true happiness. and half assing it has been what I have done the majority of my life. This is the first time in my life that I have put 100% effort towards something that I truly want to accomplish. and it feels so good. I had someone tell me today that through reading my blog, they realized how many great things there are about me. and that up until now, I have allowed my weight to literally hide all those great things and hold me down. Its funny because thats exactly how I feel. That my weight keeps me gaurded, keeps the distance and keeps  me protected. Keeps the fear alive and the guilt thriving. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to grow into the greatness that I know I hold inside. Ready to let you all in and share that greatness with you. So I made the choice for me. Not for anyone else, not convinced by anyone else. It is all me. and I have to say that I'm extremely proud of myself.
Today my coach told me that I hold a very bright light within me...and I for the first time all I said was, "I accept it". I didn't deny it, I didnt try to fight it. I embraced it and realized that we all have such an amazing light and capacity to impact the world and touch lives. But the majority of us dont. We stick to our daily routine of life. Get up, go to work, come home, eat, complain and sleep. We dont stop to look within ourselves and ask, "what is my purpose here on this earth?" Doesn't anyone else wonder why we exist? Its definitely not to walk around like robots. Not to let years go by and realize, what the hell am I here for? We all have so much power within us, but we chose to remain ignorant. Because realizing your greatness takes work. It takes reflection of oneself. Of ones actions. It takes a little bit of selfishness, which at a young age were taught is wrong. We get so sucked in to the paradigms that society creates for us and we lose touch of our true essence. I invite all of my readers to start looking within and asking these important questions and start doing something NOW. I only say these things because of what I have acquired through my transformation. It may seem like its only 3 weeks, but I've been looking within for many many years. Since my brother died, I have been curious as to why the hell I'm even here. The last thing I want to do is take up more space, the earth is way too populated for that. I want to thrive..I want to love.. I want to be loved...I want to excel...Most importantly, I wanna be HEARD..This blog has helped me through that. and so far so good. One of my purposes is to touch and share. This blog is a blessing because I know I have at least 3 continents reading me and just by sharing, I'm hoping to spark a little light. I want to be your flicker in a your very dark room. Once there is a little light, the room is no longer dark. No matter what. I know the feeling of things seeming impossible or so very far away...again, I repeat we are the only ones that create that limitation. No one else. Maybe someone else may have spoken that to us, but we decided to believe it.
As my night comes to an end, and I start to pack my bag for the hospital tomorrow and get all the exam paper work ready, I realized.....I've grown up...I may not have a car and I may not have financial independance, but emotionally and mentally, I have matured. Whats the point of all the material things, when inside you still lack true happiness. My success is not defined by how much money I have in my pocket. It is defined by how much I love myself and others, and how much they love me back. I measure by the quality of love and friendships I maintain and surround myself with.  In saying that, I'm pretty successful. I'm truly grateful and proud of myself for the work I have acquired in my life so far. and look forward to whats next down my path. Even with all the bumps in the road, I only expect great and amazing things. I'm truly excited. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will continue to take you with me.
For those that are worried, concerned, nervous or disapproving.....Dont worry...I am calm enough, confident enough and support myself and love myself enough to compensate for those voids. I will take the perspective of love and appreciate the love and concern, but use that energy and look within first before worrying so much about me..Me, Ana, will be just fine..Matter of fact....will be simply greatly amazing.
Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day 21 & 22

So these last two days have been great. The workouts have been awesome. Which is awesome. The worst thing is working out and feeling like crap afterwards. You workout to feel good, not nauseous. So I'm super grateful for leaving the gym and feeling just as I had hoped to feel. Other than that not too much has been going on. Been reading a lot. Thinking a lot. Missing home a lot. I know this is all part of my process, but man I miss home. I miss my bed. My independance. Even though it doesnt run all that well, I miss my car LOL. I miss my friends and everything that is known to me. I miss work. I miss being needed and being super productive. Kinda glad the first two weeks were all appointments and exams, because I think I would have gotten anxier earlier. I miss being alone with my own things. Its crazy, why cant we just be happy with what we have? Theres always complaining about wanting different things or being somewhere different. I guess this is definitely helping me to just shut up and be grateful for what I have. This is an amazing opportunity that only happens once in a lifetime. For that I'm extremely grateful.
Things have been difficult with my grandmother but nothing new really. Its a serious test of my patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and run out of this house screaming. Then I breathe.

So today I weighed myself and only lost .7 of a kilos. So I think thats a pound or so. I was disappointed for about 17 seconds. I worked hard and thats it? Really, thats it? It can be frustrating. But I let it go and just enjoyed my workout and burned 1000 calories. So by the end I felt great. and it was great to feel great even though I had not reached a weight goal that I had. I picked up my test results and ran some errands with my aunt and uncle. Then headed to the Dr to show him the results to see if if I had a Cortisol problem or if I was ok to go ahead with the surgery. I was very pleased to hear that my blood pressure was normal. and that in fact I do not have a Cortisol problem. So as I had hoped, surgery is on for Thursday!!! My dad will arrive probably on Friday so he can be here when they release me on Saturday. Unfortuantely, but mom and I have come to the decision for her not to come. Even though, I know how hard this is going to be and the only thing I know I'm going to want is my mom. No one takes care of you the same as your mom. But, the circumstances simply dont allow it and thats how life works. I'm concerend about being in my house with my grandmother as I'm trying to recuperate. I know I'm going to want peace and quiet, and thats probably not going to happen here. I know I have options of other places to stay, but theres cons to that also. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going to hesitate to change enviornments if I dont feel this one works for me.
So I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm anxious..I'm ready. I have no doubts or worries. Whats a little disturbing is that now as everything has been cleared, I have relatives wanting me to wait..or to be compeltely sure...or had hoped for something different. The thing is, I am not doing this for anyone else except for me. I am the only one here that has to be sure that I'm ready for this. I'm the one that will be dealing with the pain and dealing with the consequences. I'm so sorry to those who think this is the wrong path for me or because their too worried or hoped I would go a different way. So sorry, but I'm psyched. I'm ready for an extra helping hand through my very difficult journey. I know the rewards will all be worth it in the end. I appreciate all the support from everyone. It is very much appreciated. Not sure if I'm going to be able to write while I'm in the clinic. I may just leave that for when I get back to tell you all about it.
Thank you for reading!!! I'm grateful for allowing me to share my story with you