Day 23-The night before

So today was a great relaxing day. I had an appointment with my coach and it was awesome...as always. I also went to the movies with my new best friend...the bestest friend I could ever ask for....ME ha! Came home and relaxed with my uncle and my grandmother. Did some good laughing. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling ready. Still have a steady hand. lol No shaking going on here. Had some great conversations today and I'm so grateful for them. They were very inspiring and really touched my soul. I'm very confident with my decision to go through with this. Last night I had an offer come up that was to either take road A, which is the surgery, as planned. or road B, which would put more money in my pocket for a car or whatever I would like to use it for. I slept on it. Before I fell asleep I asked God and the light(same thing, really) to help me. To make my decision easy and very clear. I woke up today and my first thought was, I'm having surgery tomorrow. and that was that. I realize that this process may effect some people in different ways. But again, I have to live my life for myself. For what I believe is right for me. Cars and money has never really brought me true happiness. and half assing it has been what I have done the majority of my life. This is the first time in my life that I have put 100% effort towards something that I truly want to accomplish. and it feels so good. I had someone tell me today that through reading my blog, they realized how many great things there are about me. and that up until now, I have allowed my weight to literally hide all those great things and hold me down. Its funny because thats exactly how I feel. That my weight keeps me gaurded, keeps the distance and keeps  me protected. Keeps the fear alive and the guilt thriving. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to grow into the greatness that I know I hold inside. Ready to let you all in and share that greatness with you. So I made the choice for me. Not for anyone else, not convinced by anyone else. It is all me. and I have to say that I'm extremely proud of myself.
Today my coach told me that I hold a very bright light within me...and I for the first time all I said was, "I accept it". I didn't deny it, I didnt try to fight it. I embraced it and realized that we all have such an amazing light and capacity to impact the world and touch lives. But the majority of us dont. We stick to our daily routine of life. Get up, go to work, come home, eat, complain and sleep. We dont stop to look within ourselves and ask, "what is my purpose here on this earth?" Doesn't anyone else wonder why we exist? Its definitely not to walk around like robots. Not to let years go by and realize, what the hell am I here for? We all have so much power within us, but we chose to remain ignorant. Because realizing your greatness takes work. It takes reflection of oneself. Of ones actions. It takes a little bit of selfishness, which at a young age were taught is wrong. We get so sucked in to the paradigms that society creates for us and we lose touch of our true essence. I invite all of my readers to start looking within and asking these important questions and start doing something NOW. I only say these things because of what I have acquired through my transformation. It may seem like its only 3 weeks, but I've been looking within for many many years. Since my brother died, I have been curious as to why the hell I'm even here. The last thing I want to do is take up more space, the earth is way too populated for that. I want to thrive..I want to love.. I want to be loved...I want to excel...Most importantly, I wanna be HEARD..This blog has helped me through that. and so far so good. One of my purposes is to touch and share. This blog is a blessing because I know I have at least 3 continents reading me and just by sharing, I'm hoping to spark a little light. I want to be your flicker in a your very dark room. Once there is a little light, the room is no longer dark. No matter what. I know the feeling of things seeming impossible or so very far away...again, I repeat we are the only ones that create that limitation. No one else. Maybe someone else may have spoken that to us, but we decided to believe it.
As my night comes to an end, and I start to pack my bag for the hospital tomorrow and get all the exam paper work ready, I realized.....I've grown up...I may not have a car and I may not have financial independance, but emotionally and mentally, I have matured. Whats the point of all the material things, when inside you still lack true happiness. My success is not defined by how much money I have in my pocket. It is defined by how much I love myself and others, and how much they love me back. I measure by the quality of love and friendships I maintain and surround myself with.  In saying that, I'm pretty successful. I'm truly grateful and proud of myself for the work I have acquired in my life so far. and look forward to whats next down my path. Even with all the bumps in the road, I only expect great and amazing things. I'm truly excited. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I will continue to take you with me.
For those that are worried, concerned, nervous or disapproving.....Dont worry...I am calm enough, confident enough and support myself and love myself enough to compensate for those voids. I will take the perspective of love and appreciate the love and concern, but use that energy and look within first before worrying so much about me..Me, Ana, will be just fine..Matter of fact....will be simply greatly amazing.
Thank you for reading.