Day 49-54

Its been a while. The farm has no signal really. And I haven’t really left the farm to go into town for much reason at all. I leave tonight on an 8hr bus ride back to the city of Bogota. Back to loudness. Back to traffic. Back to pollution. Back to daily stress. Back to my grandmother’s house for a little while. Its hard to leave this paradise that I’ve grown accustomed to for the past 2 weeks. Especially being with my Dad. We had a routine down and everything. He would wake me up in the morning, we would have breakfast together. Go to work on his farm for a little while. Come back for lunch, then back to the farm to work some more. Come back to Castalia, he would watch and time me swim. We would have dinner with the family and then sit out front in the dark and look at the stars. Watch a movie, then to bed. We did that everyday. I became much more active on the farm as time passed. It was definitely a new experience for me. Helping him cut tall grasses for the cows with a machete. Yea, he taught me how to use a machete and I loved it. I felt like for once, maybe I am his daughter. I obviously have always been his daughter, but never with this much bonding or this much in common. I have been in his world and have loved it so much. I wish I could stay and help him feed the cows daily. They started to know who I  was. There were a couple that would come to me for me to pet them and for them to lick whatever it is that was in my hand. Its amazing how people can adapt to things. I truly enjoyed sweating and being hot and getting dirty. I know where everything is in the farm. I started doing jobs without him asking me. More than ever have I become a part of him. Females don’t really work much here. They cook and they clean. That’s about it. Here I walk in, asking him to teach me how to use a machete. Lol Its truly been great.

I’ve learned so much while being here. So much about our family history. My uncle Pedro is so great to talk to. I really got to know him so much more this time. He is the “boss man” of our family business here. The Ramirez family started in the fish business in 1982. The year I was born. It is owned and operated by our family only. My Dad side is huge and more united that anything you have ever seen. When we all get together, including all 3 generations, were about 80 or so people. Its never a small reunion. But their so great. Regardless of differences, regardless of arguments they all gather here in Castalia to engage in family/social events. Its truly a blessing to be part of such a big family. Castalia is the name of the farm where my Dad and uncles grew up. It’s a huge house. I found out my grandfather named it Castalia because in Rome there is a fountain named Castalia and it means Life. I don’t even know how many acres it is, but its huge. And here we cultivate and process Mojarra aka tilapia. Throughout the country, Castalia is its own brand of fish. They were the first to make fish something popular to eat here in this town. They made it affordable for people and every part of its success has come directly from each family member. Its amazing that a family business can still be successfully thriving after 29 years. It says so much about the respect and dignity that my family holds. Its been such a pleasure listening to my uncle and Dad talk about the history of the house and of the family. Being able to spend more time here has been so beneficial. Especially that theres not too many people here now, so I’m much more a part of the conversations and the sharing.

They have a big holiday coming up which is translated into Saint Week. It’s the week that leads up to Easter. So that whole week family begins to migrate from all over the world really so that they can all be together. Its been tough to decide what to do because I really want to be here for it. There will be family that I haven’t seen in such a long time. But at the same time, my time here is done. I cant explain the feeling I have to be back home. There are things that need to be done and my mind cant rest thinking about them. Not to mention getting back to work. Being here for so long feels like a luxury. One that I don’t have at this point in my life. I’m not financially independent in my life yet and it feels irresponsible to be relaxing by the pool, while at home I have a car situation to figure out. My mom is trying to weigh out her options for her future, which forces me to re evaluate my life as well. Where will I live? What do I do next? Do I stay in Illinois or back to Miami? There’s a lot on my plate now and I feel like from here, I cant do much of anything. I have no control from here. If my Dr says I’m good to go, I would like to leave Colombia April 16th. That way I can get to see my one cousin that I absolutely love the most, Juliana. She is my soul sister, my best friend and I haven’t seen her in about 5 or so years. Not to mention she just had a baby, Victoria. So on Wednesday I will know more because that is my Drs apt that I’m waiting for more news from. I’ve been doing great that I don’t see him keeping me here for any longer. I’ve accomplished so much and I’ve come so far. It feels like whatever I came to do here, is done. Time to go back home and start the new routine that needs to be implemented in my life there. Here its easy. Everyone cooks for me, there’s always someone there to make my bed, I’m extremely spoiled here. My real challenge comes, when I get back home. Why wait any longer? I’d like to spend some days in Miami on my way back home. To go to the beach and spend time with that family for a bit. Come home and get to it.

A lot lies ahead and mainly, I’m excited.  But I’m also very scared. I know there are tough times ahead, but I guess that’s how life is. Nothing great comes that easily and I always get through it. Its like taking a cold shower. LOL I know I have to take a shower and I know at first it will be unpleasant, but once I’m done and take that first jump in, I feel amazing. Even if I have to work at controlling my breathing or shiver, I make it through the shower cleaner and happier than before. I know it’s a silly metaphor, but I ask why be so scared when really I confront and make it through obstacles on a daily basis. This new eating style of mine is definitely an obstacle. Not because I want to eat more, because really I take my 4 bites and I’m good, but mainly because I have to be careful and monitor my thoughts and make sure I’m moving forward psychologically. And also because when I eat, I have to be careful and not over eat not one bite. One bite over, and the uncomfortable feeling of being full is overwhelming. Its me against me. Yesterday I finally ate red meat and it was Milanesa and mashed potatoes. Milanesa is a very thin, breaded meat. Its absolutely delicious and it comes from Argentina. If you know me, mashed potatoes is my absolute favorite food. I got full so fast and started to feel frustrated that I couldn’t eat more of it. I love it so much and I wanted to fully indulge. Talking to my mom today I realized that was not really the best way to think of it. I’m in this position because I made that choice. Thankfully I can eat anything I want so far and not get sick, but just a little bit of it. I don’t believe in sacrificing the things I enjoy to eat. And so far so good. Instead of being frustrated, I should’ve been thankful I can savor such an amazing meal. Its thoughts like that, that I have to be careful with. I think someone in my position can easily ruin things if I don’t keep on my path. On the whole path. The physical, mental and emotional path. Its all connected, so if one is slacking the other start to be effected. It’s a lot of work. It can be overwhelming at times, which I’m sure is very normal. Just goting stay in tune with me. With my essence. With my greater purpose. That probably the biggest challenge. To remember that it’s a daily struggle to love yourself unconditionally and that you have to keep it present at all times. One blink, and you can be back at square one. That will not be my story. Square one, no longer exists for me. It is not an option. Thankfully, this blog truly helps keep me present. Instead of eating to comfort myself or to escape, I write. These days, that I haven’t posted anything, I have felt different. Emotionally heavier. And well now that its time to say bye to my Dad, even more. But this is how it goes. Unfortunately this is just another good bye, among the many I have had to say. The great part is that eventually, I get to say hello again.
Thank you for reading