Today is an important day. First of all, all my exams and tests and all the jazz is all done. Some good news and some so so news and then the Best news. The Good news is that my liver is not as big as it was 6 months ago. It has a little bit of fat, but I used to have a seriously fatty liver. It used to be double its size. My gal bladder does not have stones, so they do not have to remove it. All my organs look pretty good. So thats some of the good news. The so so news is that I've been diagnosed as Hypertensive. Which means I suffer from high blood pressure. Which isn't a good thing. I'll have to read up more on it, but on the path that I'm on, I shouldn't have it for much longer. Another so so news is that my body is resisting insulin, so that is the reason I have black spots forming on my neck. I never noticed it before buy my knuckles are almost black and so are my elbows. I thought that was normal haha. Well not the spots on my neck, or the crease. Its weird, it looks like I have a necklace on at all time. and my hair is short, so its not something I can hide very well. The black spots started appearing about 3 months ago. I tried scrubbing and scrubbing, but couldnt get rid of it. I remember being younger and my grandma scrubbing my elbows and hands. Which means, that for a very long time I have had this problem, and in literally 5 minutes, this Dr looked at me and told me exactly what I had. Kinda pisses me off that no other Dr ever noticed it(Juan, theres my anger again :) So he said the surgery is the best thing I can do for myself. Eventually this problem turns into Diabetes. Then we have a whole other level of serious issues. So all of this just reenforces my decision to do this. To take this step. To make this commitment to myself. I owe it to me. I deserve it! I deserve to be all one color LOL Not to mention the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that I have, which inhibits me from being able to have kids naturally and it produces facial hair that is simply unnecessary. I've had to grow some tough skin over the years. Dealing with ridiculous facial hair, which simply just isn't attractive nor comfortable. All the money and time I spent waxing is absurd.( but if you need good wax contact Saul ;) But I did what I had to in order to make it through. All in while I just kept abusing myself but would blame others for it.
For the great news: SURGERY IS ON TUESDAY FEBRUARY 22, 2011. So 5 days from today..ummmmmmmm are you serious? is this for real? can this really be? so soon? How $!@#ing great! I feel so blessed. Everything so far has pointed in the right direction. I'm very much about signs, and all the signs thus far are all green. Thank you God! The time has finally come for me to reveal to the world my strength and beauty. Its time for how I feel on the inside to match what I and the rest of you see on the outside. Because believe it or not, I actually feel beautiful. As a person, I am beautiful. I just haven't let anyone else see too much of it. Its time to let go of my fears. Why I'm so scared to show the world how great I can be on so many levels? I dont know. Why I've chosen to remain so hidden my whole life? Dont know. Guess what really matters is today. And what happens from here on out. We can all ask ourselves a million "why" questions, but unless your willing to make the commitment and mold your life to your liking, your really just having a nice ol' chat. I will say thats the beginning though. You have to question things. It means your curious. Its when you decide to live in ignorance and just let life pass, that should worry you.
There will be many changes. I'm not sure I'm aware of all of them, and I dont think I can be 100% prepared for all of them. The only thing I know is that I'm ready for this challenge. The biggest challenge in my life. Something I have suffered and endured so much pain for is about to be released from my existence forever. And not only because of this great surgical option, but because I have decided that it is more painful to stay obese and unhappy, then to take on this amazing challenge and change my life. Thats really what change is ya know? I'm ready for the hardships. The one thing I'm proud to say is that I know I cant do it alone. I finally can accept that the support of my friends and family is so important. and that its ok to ask for help. It does not make me less of a person to allow people to be there for me. I need you to be there for me. To pray for me, to send me great vibes and to believe with me that I will accomplish this. I dont think it'll be any harder than the pain I've already had to endure in my lifetime. If I can get through the loss of a sibling, abandonement issues, a distant alcoholic father and an abusive x boyfriend, I think I got this. We don't realize how strong we are as human beings. The mind is an amazing thing. Its only until we are put into situations that we think are impossible that we see our strength shine through. Well, this is my Impossible. and I just turned it into the most certain thing I know. So there. Whose to say I can't. Nobody. Only I put the limits and restriction on my greatness. Watch out world, I'm finally unlocking this ball n chain.
"If you can meet your weight goal, you can achieve everything else in life"-My great brother Juan
Thank you so much for reading. I take you all in my heart
SERENITY PRAYER
ReplyDeleteGod:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can’t change,
The courage to change the ones that I can
And the wisdom to see the difference.
“When you are in a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey itself”
“Ten presente que una crisis es un llamado a cambiar; encontrar nuevos espacios y recorres nuevos caminos. Sigue adelante y asimila las palabras de un famoso alpinista “Cuando la meta es importante, los obstáculos se vuelven pequeños””
LA ESPERANZA
Hubo un momento en el que creías que la tristeza sería eterna; pero
volviste a sorprenderte a ti mismo riendo sin parar.
Hubo un momento en el que dejaste de creer en el amor y luego
aparecio esa persona y no pudiste dejar de amarla cada vez mas.
Hubo un momento en el que la amistad parecía no existir; y conociste a ese
amigo que te hizo reír y llorar, en los mejores y en los peores momentos.
Hubo un momento en el que sentiste que no podrías hacer algo: y hoy te
sorprendes a ti mismo haciéndolo.
Hubo un momento en el que creíste que nadie podía comprenderte; y te
quedaste boquiabierto mientras alguien parecía leer tu corazón.
Así como hubo momentos en que la vida cambió en un instante, nunca olvides
que aún habrá momentos en que lo imposible se tornará un sueño hecho
realidad.
Nunca dejes de soñar, porque soñar es el principio de un sueño hecho
realidad.
I HAVE LEARNED….
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to
be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the
happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
what is giving? Giving is not “giving up” something. For the productive character, giving is the highest expression of potency, Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stop-at all-
And sweetest –in the Gale- is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm
Emily Dickinson
WOW - I am so excited for you - for the physical and the mental transformation that is taking place. How long will you be in the hospital for?
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear your mom will be coming as well. No one is like mom!
Love, Linda
Linda- I'll be there for 2 nights, 3 days. Hopefully my mom arrives the day I get out. So I'm trying to get my dad to come while I actually have the surgery. I'll have plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins that I'm sure will visit. But it would be nice to have a parent. lol Yes, no on is like mom. Miss you
ReplyDeleteHey anonymous that wrote that amazing comment. Who are you? Sign ur name. Cant be Emily Dickinson LOL
Whoever you are, thank you. Increible!
Anita. Estoy muy orgullosa de ti. Me alegra tu actitud y saber que vas a poder continuar este camino y estoy segura que todo tu esfuerzo se vera recompensado y podras brillar para el mundo entero.
ReplyDeleteAnimo que lo vamos a lograr!!!!
Estas en lo cierto, Eres una bella persona!!!!
Te Quiero Mucho.
Wow, these doctors sound great! I'm almost jealous! Can I fly to Columbia and stay there for a few months and accept all this wonderful treatment?!?!
ReplyDelete