Day 16

Today I allowed myself to simply be. I truly have felt that the past two weeks have been so amazing and productive. I  mean I'm 14 pounds lighter, that is a pretty big step. Not to mention all the emotional and mental work I have been doing as well.

Ever try monitoring your thoughts and words? Its a pain in the ass. But if you start listening to your complaints or the way you talk about your life, see if there are any victimizing words in your speach. Most likely there is. We all do. Its unconscious. We so quickly forget how to be grateful for all the amazing blessings that we have in our lives and begin the "poor me" convo. We all can relate to that. So part of my homework is to start watching out for the things that come out of my mouth(as well as in LOL) yesterday was a perfect example. It was my little cousin's birthday and they served pizza and chocolate cake and soda "pop". MMMMM, doesnt that all sound delicious? and really, I wouldn't have a problem with just eating a little portion of each thing(except just choosing one sugar. either pop or cake...Cake it would be) but my uncle Jorge, being the amazing supporter that he is, offers me a caprese salad.(which I love anyways) But ya know, no matter how much I love caprese salad, man o man that pizza was looking and smelling sooooooooo good. Immediately, my mind went to "this is torture" "how rude of him not to offer me pizza" "I'm grown, I decide what I eat" "poor me, I'm the one on the diet" I quickly recognized the stupid convo and switched it to "mmmm this is a great salad" " my cheese is less greasier than theirs" "choosing to eat this instead of that is fulfilling" "I chose to eat this salad instead of junk for a greater purpose. For a greater purpose than a temporary craving for junk" "it is my decision to chose health over guilt" Amazingly, I ended up enjoying my dinner. This process cannot happen without a change of convo of words. This process is not meant for me to suffer or to be in pain or to cry over. Maybe to cry as a break through, but not the victim cry. This process is here for me to grow, to care for Ana, to love Ana in a way she has never been loved and in a way that only Ana can love.
"Determination weakens when the body is in pain"-My brother Juan said this to me yesterday and it was great. I think determination weakens when the body and the heart is in pain. I have carried in my heart so much pain for so many years, that I have forever felt weak. I have had temporary flashes of that kind of strength, but nothing like I do now. and as time goes on, I just get stronger and stronger. I am making the choice to heal on all levels possible and I've never felt greater, braver, stronger, wiser, lovelier.

Today I allowed myself to just be. To just relax and try and have some alone time in this house..which is impossible. So now the trick is to create that alone time, even when theres people around, so I focus on my breath, I go to my happy place and I sit..Today is my movie day. oh and my peeing in a huge jar day. What a pain. Lemme tell ya, peeing all day in a jar is an art form. One which I have perfected by now..LOL guys have it way too easy. Tomorrow I have my other blood exam and then to the gym I go. To continue on with my transformational journey..Inside and out

Today...I miss home...I miss my mom whom is so sick right now it breaks my heart. I miss my little Ari soo much. I miss Sarah and feeling her great cuddle on her great couch. I miss Erika and our movie dates.I miss Juli and Jess that have been so far from me for so so long. and I miss the newest addition, Vicky. even though I haven't met her, I miss her. and I anxiously await to meet her one day soon. I miss lunches and dinners with my family back home. Mom,Juan, Paola, Eduardo, Alejo, Shannon, Jonathan and Ela. I miss Linda and our lunch chats. I miss my Motu girls. I could really use a Motu massage!!!
For all of you, I am truly so grateful and feel so blessed to have as a part of my life.

Thank you for reading