So it turned out to be a great weekend. Saw family I hadn't seen in months and met new people as well. Meeting new people here is always a little scary for me. I get very self conscious and actually prefer to stay home, where its safe and comfortable. I used to be a very shy person. I used to pray the teacher would never call on me in class. I never wanted anyone to look at me. Maybe thats why I have physically created layers to hide who "Ana" is. Well many times over and over again I have proved that no matter how many layers, "Ana" comes out no matter what. LOL. When I started photography I would go to plenty of marketing meeting where I didn't know one person. Such torture! The only way I would get through it is by taking a deep breathe and just saying, "I'll just pretend". So by pretending to not be a shy person, I actually eventually turned into a pretty outgoing person. I don't stay quiet for long as many of you may know. I'll tell you my life story in an hour if you really wanna hear it. I'm an open book. Hence this blog. It took a minute to decide how "raw" I was going to be in this blog. It puts me in a very vulnerable place. Being overweight is one of the hardest things to be. To all my fellow overweight people, I know it takes a certain amount of strength to get up in the morning, shower, brush your teeth, do your hair and makeup and look in the mirror and be displeased with what you see. Then you go to work or whatever it is and try to be successful at it. I swear everything is harder for an overweight person. Not just the physical aspect of things. So much more the emotional barriers that we create for ourselves.
So going back to meeting new people last night. I truly take joy in watching myself grow. Part of growing is putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. You dont grow by standing in the same place. Next time you feel uncomfortable, embrace it. It means your about to learn something. Same thing with being confused. So I met three guys. Three Colombian guys. and the first thing I start to think is "suck your tummy in", "sit and stand straight", "try not to look down cuz your double chin comes out". Not to mention I'm playing video games, which I'm horrible at. So I did what I do best, I pretended. I pretended as if none of that mattered. I pretended to be just like everyone else. I pretended to be that thin, healthy person that I'm aspiring to be. I loved every minute of it. Half hour into the night, I was losing the video games, but I played and I laughed about it. I took deep breaths and simply asked for "Ana" to come out and hang for a bit. To let people see the side of me that makes me great. That makes me likeable. Its funny how you can make people comfortable simply by smiling and laughing. I ended up singing karoake(which I've never done in my life) and dancing until 1am. I drank a little, but stopped before I got typys, so I couldn't even give the alcohol the credit for having a great evening. It was all me. I allowed myself to come out of my shell and just be me. By doing so, I was liked. I tried leaving like 2 times, and they wouldn't let me. It was a great feeling to have perfect strangers want me around. It was a huge step.
Thank you for reading
A good friend once told me that sometimes, you have to pretend for a little bit to come out of your shell/bubble. But once you get past the awkwardness with that pretending, it can subside... being just a beginning tool in allowing your true self to shine through. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking those feelings of insecurity, looking them in the face for what they are and saying "NO, you're not going to steal my happiness any longer! I'm leaving you behind today." But know, they will never go away completely. That BEAST will be there, waiting in the shadows. It's a daily decision. EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life. But after some practice, it gets easier, doesn't it?
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