Day 385- Finally

Wow, So much time has passed since I last wrote. I miss it so much. Its crazy how life just passes and so quickly time goes. I hit my year mark since I officially started this journey of transformation, 40 days ago. Since the day I started sharing with you and expressing all my inner most thoughts and feelings. Theres so much to write about. So much has happened and changed. Its hard to know how to even start. Where to begin?
First off, I'm extremely happy. I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I haven't reached all my goals yet, but I am so happy with how far I have come. Im so happy to wake up everyday and look in the mirror and know that I accept myself so much more today, than I did 385 days ago. Every morning I wake up grateful. Grateful for feeling comofortable in my own skin. Grateful for being healthy and for all the opportunities life has given me to grow. Man, the challenges are endless. But its all been so worth it. I've lost a total of 85lbs. I've plateaud for a while now. I technically still have 15lbs more to go. I still aim to get there. I have a new position at work, which has impacted my routine significantly. Hard to find the time to workout and keep a routine going. I'm in a different location everyday, so I have to start creating a new routine daily. Hasn't been easy. Good news, is that I love my  new position. I feel so free. Less responsibility and more money. Can't beat that. Well, you can. lol I could be working full time in photography, but thats not the case right now. Photography has been minimal. I was reading over some of my blogs and saw me commenting on my dedication to the business. Not the case anymore. (I'll talk about photography in another post)I'm thinking about getting my teching certificate and traveling abroad. I'm researching and planning the steps that need to be taken towards that. Its come to a point where I want to really analyze and think about the things that I truly want out of this one life that I have been given. I've come so far with my physical success, that I feel empowered to start conquering other aspects of my life that still prevent me from being thoroughly fulfilled. I want to see the world and take my camera with me. I want to work with children and have a little impact on their life. I know I've said these words before, but I want to be a little flicker of a light in someone's very dark room. Thats what I'm aiming towards.
In these last 6 months I had the pleasure of living on my own for a while. My family moved back to Colombia, so it was just me. What an experience! I thank God for that opportunity. Its over now, because my mother is back with my step dad for a little while. Many things are undefined and up in the air. Its crazy. The unknown is scary. I feel like this year will definitely be continuing my physical health and taking serious steps towards a more stable career, lifestyle. Really, just continuing to grow up. but the challenges are interesting. Within the next 6 months, I dont know where I'm going to be living. I dont know if I'll be in the same state. I dont know if I'll have the same job. My student loans seem hopeless. I fear the end result of them. Theres so much. The only thing I can do is believe that I deserve the best and work hard towards achieving it. To let go of the things I'm so fearful of, because as some of you already know, your thoughts have serious power. Be careful for what you ask for. lol
Living alone was huge for me. It was a very big process in learning how to truly love myself. For the first time in  my life, I was completely alone. I had company when I wanted it, but even for about 2 weeks, I literally dedicated myself to barely socializing and detoxing from that need to have someone around.  What an amazing lesson to committ to being happy, 100% alone. I lost it one day. My mom was gone. One of my biggest fears in life, is that my mother would leave me. I used to have nightmares about it as a child. I'm an adult now, but still it allowed me to experience that process without really "losing" my mom. Allowed me to finally face a serious fear I've carried around with me my whole life. But I did it. and it was awesome. After my little experiment, I love myself so much more. I started rescheduling dates and social events just so I can do something special for myself. I would set dates with myself and look forward to them. I know it sounds cheesy, but its been so cool. To genuinely enjoy my own company. To want a moment to be with my thoughts. To reconnect and refocus with myself. To listen to my convo. Cuz in the end, thats where the goodness lies. I hadn't seen my mom in about 4 or 5 months. So great to hear her say that she can actually, physically tell how happy I am. I haven't lost one pound since I last saw her, but to hear that I radiate happiness, is truly a gift. One that makes me cry out of gratitude.
Dating? Well, that may be a whole other post, but I'll give a little taste of what it is like for me. I have never dated in my life. Even when I had a boyfriend, it just happened. There wasn't a phase where we went on dates and did stuff to get to know each other. I'm amazed as to what I've been exposed to in this last year. People are so different. Think and act so differently. Analyze information differently. Very interesting to start being aware as to the type of person I'm perceived as. What kind of signals I give off. I had no idea, lol. I've met some great guys and have had amazing convos. But the fit hasn't been 100% just yet. Also, having this new body, comes with a whole new set of issues. I'm not used to being approached for how I look. Things now are a lot more superficial. Learning how to say no and respect your own personal boundaries is a whole new challenge. I have this new toy, and still figuring out how to use it..lol At first the attention is nice, but after a while, it kind of just makes me sad. I'm working on switching that though. I think sex is natural and amazing. Only human nature. I'm glad to be part of be included in the population that has some sex appeal. I've wished for it for so long. Its just all very new and has presented new challenges. I'm trying to just take things as they are and however their presented to me. I'm told it just comes with the territory, lol I remember being overweight and knowing that this was a big fear of mine. Of the attention. Of the superficiality of it. (is that a word? lol) of being able to say no to something that for so long I desired, but was always afraid of it. But to be honesty, I wouldn't trade this for anything. Its riskier this way, for sure. I'm ok with that. I cant imagine living the way I used to feel.  Last night my mom and I were chatting about it, cuz I recently had a man ask me out and things seemed fine until he confessed that he was married. WHAT?! So sad. Are there any loyal men out there? Is sex everything?  I hope so and hopefully not, lol Im trying not to fear it, but I just had no idea to what level being can really go. I feel a lot more exposed. I know a lot clearer what it is I'm looking for out of a partner. Its been a very interesting process to say the least. No regrets until now, its all brought me wisdom and so many other things.
Ok, I'm ending here so I can do another post with some updated pics.
If you are reading, thank you. Sorry for being absent for so long. I'm going to continue writing more consisitently. I miss it so much. It was always a huge tool through my process. My process isn't over. Not sure if it ever will be, but in the meantime, I'll share it openly and with much love. :)

Day 123

Today is a great, gloomy day. Crazy thunderstorms. Love it. I felt compelled to write as well as actually having the time, so here I am. I have been so busy lately. Photography is picking up and I feel greatly motivated to get this business of the ground. My year has been great so far, that I figured lets make this a complete package deal. To continue putting efforts into parts of my life that I want developed. Its amazing how fulfilling photography is for me. Maybe my brother disagrees because of the lack of pics on this blog lol. My blog is like my diary. So, theres not always pictures. Theres no pictures in a book, is there? You create them. Maybe the message is that my writing isnt that good so give me something visual...lol

Lately, so many things fulfill me. I'm more easily fulfilled. lol Its more natural. I love where I am. I finally received the settlement from my car accident that happened almost two years ago. I feel so blessed. I just paid my name off...I dont owe money to anybodyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! Its such an amazing feeling. I feel clean. Like I just showered. lol So now I'm in the works of looking for a new car. Which is also a huge blessing. Things are happening and its awesome to witness.

My relationships with people have changed. I have truly enjoyed living that. People treat me differently, which is something I used to observe before as well. 63lbs ago, people wouldn't make eye contact with me. In gatherings or events, sometimes not even talk to me. Meet me 10 times and still say, "Nice to meet you". Its a bit different now. Its a different feeling and I take it as genuine. Our presence in this world makes an impact in everything. Including people's behaviors and thoughts. Its totally up to you what kind of impact you chose to reflect. I'm more approachable. Not as gaurded. I feel no need to defend myself anymore, because I feel as if I'm enough. So the need to prove to everyone that I'm worthy has disappeared. That to me, equals freedom.

Thank you for reading.

My beautiful family. My biggest support. 

My mom and I. LUMTT

Princess Ari.

Ani and Ari.

My friend Jenny and I at a wedding.

Here I am. Yes, I'm in a barn.

Day 104

An exact month has passed since I have last written. So much has happened. So much has changed. It is such a relief to see that I have really made important changes. That they stuck. That everything I learned while I was away from home, has become a habit. For the first time in my life, I am accomplishing goals. For the first time, I'm giving it much effort and getting somewhere. Seeing results. Feeling amazing. The biggest and most appreciated comment that I have received is that I look happy and healthy. Of course people notice the lack of mass, but its honestly so much more than that. I feel it and I live it, therefore it is reflected and its recognized. I have never been this content with myself and with my life. Even though the level of obstacles hasn't really changed, I have changed my way of dealing with them and overcoming them. I cannot really explain my gratitude for how I feel today. I have worked hard on all levels and it shows. I can do so many more things that I was very restricted from before. Things as simple as crossing my legs to certain stretches at the gym, as serious as breathing and having so much more energy. Its incredible to witness. I feel blessed and honored to be on this path and growing in such an great way. This process is amazing. For the first time, I see the end of the tunnel and it is not too far away. I can see so many great things coming my way and I feel ready for them. I will continue to embrace it, every step of the way.
Thank you for reading.

This is me at my half way point!!! Today, I have officially lost 60lbs, 30kilos. This image was 6lbs ago.

Day 71-74

So its been a week back home and I feel much more settled. I'm finding it harder and harder to write. To stop things and sit down and write. But its crazy, even though I go a couple of days without writing, I think about it all the time. Making mental notes of things I want to make sure I share with you. So being home has been great. I made the list and did all the groceries I want and need for myself. I have been working on organizing my clothes. Getting rid of clothes that dont fit and taking out old clothes that didnt fit before and need to see where I stand with them. Now that warm weather is supposed to be coming soo, I'm excited to strut clothes I haven't been able to. So I totally went back on my word and weighed myself. I was very happy with the numbers but for right now I will not be sharing where I stand with my weight loss. An important mile stone is very close and when I reach it, I will share that with you. I was able to find a gym with a pool at a really good price. Excitingly, its the same gym as my brothers. So from time to time, we will be able to go together. I'm sure as I go along, I could use his helping hand. It is also the same as Sarah's gym, which is great for when I'm at her place. I've mentioned before that I know the more support I have, the better.  I have lost a significant amount of weight and everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I giggle. I think part of it is out of delight and another part is out of disbelief that this is how I look now. Regardless, it makes me giggle and I enjoy it. But I'm also noticing that my skin is a bit flabby, and that is the opposite of what I'm aiming for. I can tell the difference now between just skin and fat. It feels different. Sometimes I think I have new skin all together, so sometimes it feels very  new.  So that tellsts also me that I need more gym time. Excited to start swimming soon and to start some sort of dancing classes. I bought a huge eraser board to hang in my room so I can write all the amazing things I want to do. Short term and long term. One of them is to find a stable to volunteer at. I have a serious adoration for horses and a wise friend told me that I need to learn how to speak "horse" This wise friend also inspired the huge eraser board. Something you constantly look at and update. Something to constantly remind me of the things I'm striving for and towards. I'm also interested in learning a new language. Possibly Italian or German. We'll see.
Everything with the food has been going good. Totally on a seafood kick right now. Loving tuna, crab, fish and shrimp. Turkey is the only meat I'm eating right now. Its so funny. I go through serious food phases. I think I'm ready for sushi. I haven't had sushi in about 5 years and I'm starting to crave it. When I lived in California, I ate it all the time. When I moved, I stopped. So I go through weird phases of foods I love and cant live without and food I cannot even think about without gagging. So weird.
I have had great reunions since I got back and everybody's reaction has been so great. There was a point where I would reject compliments, now I'm all about accepting them. Its nice to come back and truly feel like a different person and also be perceived in that way as well. Definitely a break through.
I miss my family in Colombia. Miss their presence. Altough being home is amazing, the daily obstacles dont seem to disappear. Co-living with people is simply not easy. I cannot wait for the day that I can live alone and independant. Living at home with my mom and step dad in the end is a huge help and a blessing, but its not easy. I have to work hard mentally to keep the peace within my mind. My favorite mantra has been extremely helpful. "Nobody nor nothing can take  the peace, that I have decided to create for myself, away....unless I allow them/it to". It definitely helps in challenging moments. I know it is not correct grammar, but I translated. I repeat half in Spanish and half in English, LOL
My mom is throwing me a "Welcome Home" lunch on Saturday. Looking forward to it because I will see more family and friends that I haven't been able to see. I'm on a mission to see the people I want while I'm not working yet. They are waiting for a release from my Dr in order to allow me to begin working. I cannot wait to start working. Hopefully sometime next week is possible. I'm with Sarah these next couple of days, helping her watch the little one. Lil Ari is my favorite.
Last note, my mind, heart and body are still alligned. Every day I wake up and ask myself, am I balanced? I am fully aware that if I'm feeling down, it will reflect in all areas. So I work hard to switch whatever thought process might be causing the negative feelings in order to keep that "balance". Its everything.
Thank you for reading.

Day 68-70

So I think that every muscle in my body is aching right now. Sarah invited me to workout with her pesonal trainer and she kicked our asses. Can barely move today, but I love it. We did some kick boxing and I think I would really like to get into that. Its definitely feels like a good outlet for aggression. Had a great time envisioning that I was kicking my fat in the face, LOL. I felt my blood pressure dropping a little but was able to recuperate pretty quickly. A good sign. I wish Sarah and I lived closer. It would be so great to be partners. Were good partners. I think that having a partner can be extremely beneficial. Not only do you already have that comittment with yourself but with someone else, which can be a good push sometimes. Unfortunately, we live an hour  apart. I try to see her every weekend. We want to start walking marathons. But not official marathons. Just picking certain days, and walking a 3 1/2 mile walk. Maybe there is even a way to involve a charity into that. It can turn into something pretty cool. You have to pay to walk marathons, and we want something where it can benefit everyone without having that entrance fee. This is all Sarah's idea by the way. I liked it, and I told her I'm in. I also need to find a pool to join. I need to continue with that because I miss it. Besides the fact that its an amazing workout.

In about an hour is my reunion with my mom. I cant even explain how excited I am. The biggest moment I have been waiting for. She is the cutest person I know. She told me the other day that I have to tell her what to change. I said that I can't. Its really a process. and truly I believe, she shouldn't. Its me that has changed, and as we go she will find out where I've changed and how to manage it. You can't ever expect people to change. I've made the changes that I need and now its time to show my household, how I work. I'm excited to get home and plan out my week of meals. I'm excited to make my shopping list and go shopping with her. I've also decided that I want to change my room a bit. I dont want to come home to the same room, because I am different. We're going to IKEA because she wanted to have a full body mirror as a surprise. She is too cute. I love it. I also want to buy a big dry eraser board to hang on my wall. My board of Happiness. I want to fill it with different mantras to repeat, pics of people I love, cut outs of what I want my life to be. Of what my dreams are and the steps I need to take to get there. So a mix of images and writing that I can look at every day to remind me of how far I have come and where it is exactly that I would like to go. I also want to change the colors around a bit. I dont want to paint because that is a bit drastic. But they sometimes use curtains to change the color of a wall. I'm thinking teal is my new color. It has been red for so long and I think its time for a change. Teal is very much a part of the peacock and I have so many amazing images of peacocks from Castalia that it would be so easy to decorate with. Its such a beautiful color and for some reason its sticking with me. For me, its definitely new. When I pain my  nails its usually, purple, pinks. I was getting a manicure and saw the Teal, and immediately went for it. Absolutely love it!! So hopefully we will find some cute stuff today. New things for my enviornment. I want to surround myself with things that make me happy. That includes people too.
So I'm very excited for today. I think it will be productive and another day full of love. Hopefully I will see more family and friends very soon. But first, its me. I need to feel settled and organized. This week. It'll all fall into place as it should.
Thank you for reading

Day 66 & 67

So my last day in Miami was my favorite. I got to spend time with my friend Julio, which is always so inspiring. We ate at a great restaurant on the bay, then went to the beach and talked about life. Catching up. He had great advice for the goals that I want to achieve. He is living many of his dreams and its so great to see. I realize that there are certain people that you have in your life that blow your mind away. What a blessing that is. To have people living on the same parallel as you, is not always easy to find. So many of us may talk in English, but do not always speak the same language. I've been fortunate and have found a handful of people that challenge my wisdom and school me. I truly believe that the next man in my life, has to challenge me mentally and spiritually. There is literally like a click that happens for me when I come in contact with people that are on my same vibrational level. Its  comforting!
All in all, Miami was a perfect trip. Going to the beach never seems enough though. Being on the beach and in the ocean is an intense feeling of connection to love. Hard to describe.  I love it there. I am now back in Chicago. Back home. Staying with my BFF Sarah and her family for now until Sunday. That reunion was just so amazing. Sarah and I are very connected and we share many similar body image concerns. Today we started to touch the subject about how we need to be better examples for one another. She has been amazed with my weight loss. I catch her staring at me, and its so cute. When I first came in, she was quiet. Maybe shock? Or just absorbing it all. The fact that I was back and that I look very different then from when I left. In the end, my message is that if I can do it, anybody can really. But it takes some digging. Its not the surgery that fixes everything. I started losing weight the minute I landed in Colombia. I have accepted that this is a process that I cannot do alone. You need a good support group. Obviously your number one is you, but you need those people you can rely on when your feeling weak or discouraged. I also think that you need the professional support. Drs, nutritionist, councelor, coach, etc. Whatever helps you educate yourself on your situation is beneficial. I think were way too close to always have the answers for our own issues. I'm awesome at giving advice and knowing what to say for others, but sometimes when it comes to me, I'm lost. An outside perspective can change things drastically. Trust me, I know what it feels like to simply take up space in this world, but I am a living example of what transformation really means. I didn't just lose weight in Colombia, I made serious changes. I can say that I feel happy. That I am happy. I feel in control. I faced many of my fears and I continue to do that daily. That in itself is an act of faith. Fear controls the majority of our lives, and to begin facing them, creates room for more growth and love. Without love, you have fear.
The food has been going good here. Portions are still small and frequent. I haven't worked out these couple days. I have been so exhausted from the trip. Tomorrow Sarah and I will be going to her trainer together, so that will be fun. A good start to the workout routine. I look forward to finally getting to my house and seeing my mom. Settling in, unpacking. I get to go through my whole wardrobe and see what no longer fits me. I also have old clothes that I never let go of for the day that I lost weight. So I'm excited to go through them and see what new articles of clothing I can add to my closet once again. It will be interesting to start seeing people that I havent seen in two months. Receiving the praise and compliments is new and I'm enjoyin it. I used to reject them in my mind, and now I feel myself accepting them and much more open to hearing other people start to recognize what I've been working so hard for. Being back is a familiar feeling, but thankfully, I'm still a changed Ana. Still confident, strong and determined.
Thank you for reading.

Day 62-65

I love Miami so much. Makes me happy. Its definitely been a nice transition back into the US. I've been to the beach, spending time with family and also with friends. Its kind of weird being back in the US. So far, I've stuck to my habits. I still feel great. My walks have been happening at night with my aunt, which is great. The weather here is perfect. Well today was a bit hot, 93, but evenings are great. The breeze is so affectionate and the heat has felt great. To feel the salt water on my skin and sand on my feet has been a great treat. So years ago when I lived here, my life was pretty crazy. I think it was my first phase into having any kind of self esteem and self confidence. It was a crazy time in my life and loved every minute of it. It was a bit of a partying point in my life. Sex and drugs were very familiar to me. Never truly in abusive manners. My mom was out of town a lot, and our apartment was literally right on the beach. Those were really good days. From that time, I've made life long friends. I love having friends from a certain point in time because they get to witness a significant amount of growth in me. My cousin told me the other day how great I look and that its not just the weight loss, but that I really look happy. My response was, "I am"! Not sure if I have ever felt this happy, for this long at a time. I'm grateful.

I'm excited to get back to Chicago. Start a routine. I've been doing my best at keeping it here, but its difficult when your not in your own home. Today is technically my last day because I leave super early tomorrow. Cannot wait to hug my dear friends again. I'll see my mom on Sunday. That will be a very sweet reunion, that I truly look forward to. One thing for sure is that being far helps you have a whole new appreciation for the people you see everyday or regularly. Its trying to remember that once things return to normal again, to keep that appreciation present. Its hard to do. Being in Miami makes me want to live here for a while. Its so full of nature and tropical energy, that I'm always smiling. To have the option to go take a swim in the ocean, is just therapeutic. Feels so healthy. Makes me wanna do yoga and eat carrots. LOL Who knows what the future holds, but it is an option that I've been contemplating. I was expressing some concerns about future options and my mom kinda laughs and said, "We are all naive to think that we have some kind of control in our lives." I loved it. The process of actually just trusting life and having faith is so so powerful. I know I deserve great things. I've put a lot in to life. I get so worked up about the next step, that a lot of the time theres so much to learn in the NOW, and sometimes I miss it. But things repeat themselves until you learn what you need from them, and move on to the next lesson. So trusting God, the universe and in my karma is my new practice. Here are some pics from my stay here. Dont have too many but they make me happy.
Thank you for reading

Staycy, cousin Erika and I at the beach. 

I was here

My favorite causeway 195. Surrounded by beauty, even in  traffic

My cousin Jonathan and I at Lincoln Rd, eating Gelato..mmmm