Day 71-74

So its been a week back home and I feel much more settled. I'm finding it harder and harder to write. To stop things and sit down and write. But its crazy, even though I go a couple of days without writing, I think about it all the time. Making mental notes of things I want to make sure I share with you. So being home has been great. I made the list and did all the groceries I want and need for myself. I have been working on organizing my clothes. Getting rid of clothes that dont fit and taking out old clothes that didnt fit before and need to see where I stand with them. Now that warm weather is supposed to be coming soo, I'm excited to strut clothes I haven't been able to. So I totally went back on my word and weighed myself. I was very happy with the numbers but for right now I will not be sharing where I stand with my weight loss. An important mile stone is very close and when I reach it, I will share that with you. I was able to find a gym with a pool at a really good price. Excitingly, its the same gym as my brothers. So from time to time, we will be able to go together. I'm sure as I go along, I could use his helping hand. It is also the same as Sarah's gym, which is great for when I'm at her place. I've mentioned before that I know the more support I have, the better.  I have lost a significant amount of weight and everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I giggle. I think part of it is out of delight and another part is out of disbelief that this is how I look now. Regardless, it makes me giggle and I enjoy it. But I'm also noticing that my skin is a bit flabby, and that is the opposite of what I'm aiming for. I can tell the difference now between just skin and fat. It feels different. Sometimes I think I have new skin all together, so sometimes it feels very  new.  So that tellsts also me that I need more gym time. Excited to start swimming soon and to start some sort of dancing classes. I bought a huge eraser board to hang in my room so I can write all the amazing things I want to do. Short term and long term. One of them is to find a stable to volunteer at. I have a serious adoration for horses and a wise friend told me that I need to learn how to speak "horse" This wise friend also inspired the huge eraser board. Something you constantly look at and update. Something to constantly remind me of the things I'm striving for and towards. I'm also interested in learning a new language. Possibly Italian or German. We'll see.
Everything with the food has been going good. Totally on a seafood kick right now. Loving tuna, crab, fish and shrimp. Turkey is the only meat I'm eating right now. Its so funny. I go through serious food phases. I think I'm ready for sushi. I haven't had sushi in about 5 years and I'm starting to crave it. When I lived in California, I ate it all the time. When I moved, I stopped. So I go through weird phases of foods I love and cant live without and food I cannot even think about without gagging. So weird.
I have had great reunions since I got back and everybody's reaction has been so great. There was a point where I would reject compliments, now I'm all about accepting them. Its nice to come back and truly feel like a different person and also be perceived in that way as well. Definitely a break through.
I miss my family in Colombia. Miss their presence. Altough being home is amazing, the daily obstacles dont seem to disappear. Co-living with people is simply not easy. I cannot wait for the day that I can live alone and independant. Living at home with my mom and step dad in the end is a huge help and a blessing, but its not easy. I have to work hard mentally to keep the peace within my mind. My favorite mantra has been extremely helpful. "Nobody nor nothing can take  the peace, that I have decided to create for myself, away....unless I allow them/it to". It definitely helps in challenging moments. I know it is not correct grammar, but I translated. I repeat half in Spanish and half in English, LOL
My mom is throwing me a "Welcome Home" lunch on Saturday. Looking forward to it because I will see more family and friends that I haven't been able to see. I'm on a mission to see the people I want while I'm not working yet. They are waiting for a release from my Dr in order to allow me to begin working. I cannot wait to start working. Hopefully sometime next week is possible. I'm with Sarah these next couple of days, helping her watch the little one. Lil Ari is my favorite.
Last note, my mind, heart and body are still alligned. Every day I wake up and ask myself, am I balanced? I am fully aware that if I'm feeling down, it will reflect in all areas. So I work hard to switch whatever thought process might be causing the negative feelings in order to keep that "balance". Its everything.
Thank you for reading.

Day 68-70

So I think that every muscle in my body is aching right now. Sarah invited me to workout with her pesonal trainer and she kicked our asses. Can barely move today, but I love it. We did some kick boxing and I think I would really like to get into that. Its definitely feels like a good outlet for aggression. Had a great time envisioning that I was kicking my fat in the face, LOL. I felt my blood pressure dropping a little but was able to recuperate pretty quickly. A good sign. I wish Sarah and I lived closer. It would be so great to be partners. Were good partners. I think that having a partner can be extremely beneficial. Not only do you already have that comittment with yourself but with someone else, which can be a good push sometimes. Unfortunately, we live an hour  apart. I try to see her every weekend. We want to start walking marathons. But not official marathons. Just picking certain days, and walking a 3 1/2 mile walk. Maybe there is even a way to involve a charity into that. It can turn into something pretty cool. You have to pay to walk marathons, and we want something where it can benefit everyone without having that entrance fee. This is all Sarah's idea by the way. I liked it, and I told her I'm in. I also need to find a pool to join. I need to continue with that because I miss it. Besides the fact that its an amazing workout.

In about an hour is my reunion with my mom. I cant even explain how excited I am. The biggest moment I have been waiting for. She is the cutest person I know. She told me the other day that I have to tell her what to change. I said that I can't. Its really a process. and truly I believe, she shouldn't. Its me that has changed, and as we go she will find out where I've changed and how to manage it. You can't ever expect people to change. I've made the changes that I need and now its time to show my household, how I work. I'm excited to get home and plan out my week of meals. I'm excited to make my shopping list and go shopping with her. I've also decided that I want to change my room a bit. I dont want to come home to the same room, because I am different. We're going to IKEA because she wanted to have a full body mirror as a surprise. She is too cute. I love it. I also want to buy a big dry eraser board to hang on my wall. My board of Happiness. I want to fill it with different mantras to repeat, pics of people I love, cut outs of what I want my life to be. Of what my dreams are and the steps I need to take to get there. So a mix of images and writing that I can look at every day to remind me of how far I have come and where it is exactly that I would like to go. I also want to change the colors around a bit. I dont want to paint because that is a bit drastic. But they sometimes use curtains to change the color of a wall. I'm thinking teal is my new color. It has been red for so long and I think its time for a change. Teal is very much a part of the peacock and I have so many amazing images of peacocks from Castalia that it would be so easy to decorate with. Its such a beautiful color and for some reason its sticking with me. For me, its definitely new. When I pain my  nails its usually, purple, pinks. I was getting a manicure and saw the Teal, and immediately went for it. Absolutely love it!! So hopefully we will find some cute stuff today. New things for my enviornment. I want to surround myself with things that make me happy. That includes people too.
So I'm very excited for today. I think it will be productive and another day full of love. Hopefully I will see more family and friends very soon. But first, its me. I need to feel settled and organized. This week. It'll all fall into place as it should.
Thank you for reading

Day 66 & 67

So my last day in Miami was my favorite. I got to spend time with my friend Julio, which is always so inspiring. We ate at a great restaurant on the bay, then went to the beach and talked about life. Catching up. He had great advice for the goals that I want to achieve. He is living many of his dreams and its so great to see. I realize that there are certain people that you have in your life that blow your mind away. What a blessing that is. To have people living on the same parallel as you, is not always easy to find. So many of us may talk in English, but do not always speak the same language. I've been fortunate and have found a handful of people that challenge my wisdom and school me. I truly believe that the next man in my life, has to challenge me mentally and spiritually. There is literally like a click that happens for me when I come in contact with people that are on my same vibrational level. Its  comforting!
All in all, Miami was a perfect trip. Going to the beach never seems enough though. Being on the beach and in the ocean is an intense feeling of connection to love. Hard to describe.  I love it there. I am now back in Chicago. Back home. Staying with my BFF Sarah and her family for now until Sunday. That reunion was just so amazing. Sarah and I are very connected and we share many similar body image concerns. Today we started to touch the subject about how we need to be better examples for one another. She has been amazed with my weight loss. I catch her staring at me, and its so cute. When I first came in, she was quiet. Maybe shock? Or just absorbing it all. The fact that I was back and that I look very different then from when I left. In the end, my message is that if I can do it, anybody can really. But it takes some digging. Its not the surgery that fixes everything. I started losing weight the minute I landed in Colombia. I have accepted that this is a process that I cannot do alone. You need a good support group. Obviously your number one is you, but you need those people you can rely on when your feeling weak or discouraged. I also think that you need the professional support. Drs, nutritionist, councelor, coach, etc. Whatever helps you educate yourself on your situation is beneficial. I think were way too close to always have the answers for our own issues. I'm awesome at giving advice and knowing what to say for others, but sometimes when it comes to me, I'm lost. An outside perspective can change things drastically. Trust me, I know what it feels like to simply take up space in this world, but I am a living example of what transformation really means. I didn't just lose weight in Colombia, I made serious changes. I can say that I feel happy. That I am happy. I feel in control. I faced many of my fears and I continue to do that daily. That in itself is an act of faith. Fear controls the majority of our lives, and to begin facing them, creates room for more growth and love. Without love, you have fear.
The food has been going good here. Portions are still small and frequent. I haven't worked out these couple days. I have been so exhausted from the trip. Tomorrow Sarah and I will be going to her trainer together, so that will be fun. A good start to the workout routine. I look forward to finally getting to my house and seeing my mom. Settling in, unpacking. I get to go through my whole wardrobe and see what no longer fits me. I also have old clothes that I never let go of for the day that I lost weight. So I'm excited to go through them and see what new articles of clothing I can add to my closet once again. It will be interesting to start seeing people that I havent seen in two months. Receiving the praise and compliments is new and I'm enjoyin it. I used to reject them in my mind, and now I feel myself accepting them and much more open to hearing other people start to recognize what I've been working so hard for. Being back is a familiar feeling, but thankfully, I'm still a changed Ana. Still confident, strong and determined.
Thank you for reading.

Day 62-65

I love Miami so much. Makes me happy. Its definitely been a nice transition back into the US. I've been to the beach, spending time with family and also with friends. Its kind of weird being back in the US. So far, I've stuck to my habits. I still feel great. My walks have been happening at night with my aunt, which is great. The weather here is perfect. Well today was a bit hot, 93, but evenings are great. The breeze is so affectionate and the heat has felt great. To feel the salt water on my skin and sand on my feet has been a great treat. So years ago when I lived here, my life was pretty crazy. I think it was my first phase into having any kind of self esteem and self confidence. It was a crazy time in my life and loved every minute of it. It was a bit of a partying point in my life. Sex and drugs were very familiar to me. Never truly in abusive manners. My mom was out of town a lot, and our apartment was literally right on the beach. Those were really good days. From that time, I've made life long friends. I love having friends from a certain point in time because they get to witness a significant amount of growth in me. My cousin told me the other day how great I look and that its not just the weight loss, but that I really look happy. My response was, "I am"! Not sure if I have ever felt this happy, for this long at a time. I'm grateful.

I'm excited to get back to Chicago. Start a routine. I've been doing my best at keeping it here, but its difficult when your not in your own home. Today is technically my last day because I leave super early tomorrow. Cannot wait to hug my dear friends again. I'll see my mom on Sunday. That will be a very sweet reunion, that I truly look forward to. One thing for sure is that being far helps you have a whole new appreciation for the people you see everyday or regularly. Its trying to remember that once things return to normal again, to keep that appreciation present. Its hard to do. Being in Miami makes me want to live here for a while. Its so full of nature and tropical energy, that I'm always smiling. To have the option to go take a swim in the ocean, is just therapeutic. Feels so healthy. Makes me wanna do yoga and eat carrots. LOL Who knows what the future holds, but it is an option that I've been contemplating. I was expressing some concerns about future options and my mom kinda laughs and said, "We are all naive to think that we have some kind of control in our lives." I loved it. The process of actually just trusting life and having faith is so so powerful. I know I deserve great things. I've put a lot in to life. I get so worked up about the next step, that a lot of the time theres so much to learn in the NOW, and sometimes I miss it. But things repeat themselves until you learn what you need from them, and move on to the next lesson. So trusting God, the universe and in my karma is my new practice. Here are some pics from my stay here. Dont have too many but they make me happy.
Thank you for reading

Staycy, cousin Erika and I at the beach. 

I was here

My favorite causeway 195. Surrounded by beauty, even in  traffic

My cousin Jonathan and I at Lincoln Rd, eating Gelato..mmmm

Day 60&61-Colombian Farewell

Here I am. Sitting in bed, writing my last post in Colombia, from this beginning. Crying is the only thing that seems logical. So much has happened here and I truly do not have enough words to express all the mixture of emotions I'm going through right now. Please excuse the language, but I am so fucking proud to be where I am today. I'm so proud, it seems unreal. I look at myself in the mirror and I look at myself in my heart and I am no longer the same person you once knew. I have new skin, new glasses to look through and new found love for myself. Theres truly nothing more that could fulfill me more. Tomorrow at 930am, I get on the same plane that left that Ana behind. I will be getting on it to fly back to that place I once knew that was filled with darkness, fear, desperation, sadness, pain, hopelessness and loss of direction. I will get on this plane with hope, courage, bravery, strength, Clarity, security, determination, patience, happiness and most importantly LOVE. My gratitude is infinite. I find myself without words to describe it, the only thing I can hope for is that you can feel it through this post. Hope you can feel all the amazing energy I am putting into this post and into your hearts. This is a very important post. Its the most important g'bye. The g'bye to a place, geographically and time, that has brought me so much enlightenment and transformation. G'bye to the place where it all started. The place that gave me life and created this being that you read today. Flawed and strengthend. Beautiful and scared. This g'bye begins the rest of my journey. The next step on my very bright path. Thank you to all of you that supported me and showed me love. For the first time, I allowed it to happen. To all of you, you are with me every step of the way on my journey. I am ready. I am ready to face those fears and to conquer them. To continue this amazing jump start I have on accepting myself and allowing you to see how amazing I really am. To show you the light that lives within me. My essence.
Yesterday I was able to have a final, physical coaching session, and it was dedicated to celebration. There is so much to celebrate and I will only mention a few. I celebrate the feelling of really liking myself. I celebrate all the relationships I have been able to establish and discover here. I celebrate being 36 pounds healthier. I celebrate my new, more independent relationship with  my mom. I celebrate all the challenges that I was able to overcome. I celebrate my de-layering. I celebrate my courage and my strength. I celebrate life and all of its wide open doors that I'm ready to walk through. I celebrate my greatness and ready to let it shine.
Last night I had a great g'bye gathering with cousin Laura, my sister Magda Cristina, Camilo and a friend we call Gordo. It was a great evening. Just a final reconnection with friends. Tonight was my g'bye moments with my family. That was the hardest. But I truly appreciate every moment spent with everyone and could not have asked for a more perfect of an experience. Colombia, thank you. For your support and for your love. I didn't get to see my cousin Pedro. So Pedro, thank you so much for being so damn great and for showing me that its possible to be happy no matter what. Thank you for your inspirations and wisdom. You are truly an example of a pure essence of an amazing being. I appreciate the times we spent together and everything I learned from you. I love you and will miss you dearly. I cordially invite you to Chicago. Hope one day, we can make that happen. Good luck with your problem though, lol ;)
I love you all, and for the last time from this chapter,
Thank you for reading

A soul mate.Thank you for the CLARITY

Laura and I. Thank you for the laughs. Mi Lauris, gracias por las carcajadas. Te adoro

Ha!!! Cant come to Colombia and not eat their amazing hot dog.

Dont worry, I took a total of 3 bites of this and was full. So damny yummy!!

Beautiful Lauris. Te adoro!!!

For you! Gordo and I. Childhood friends

Gordo, Camilo and I. Many great laughs. Camilo, my dear friend

The farewell PJ party. Laura, sister and I

My little sister Cris and I. Love her!

My little cousin Sebastian and I. He took this pic himself. So damn cute!!

Sandra, Uncle Jorge and I. Love them so much

Uncle Guillermo and Aunt Marcela. My 2nd parents. So much love and adoration. Words arent really enough here.

Then theres me. Happy and ready. Will miss u Colombia, and all of the greatness you hold within. Thank you and Thank you!

Day 59

Ok, so Its official I leave Colombia this coming Sunday. I know I know, its short notice. But I'm ready. It may be that there are other people that dont seem to be ready, but I totally am. Things had to be sooner than later because of the ticket prices. I'm thrilled. To be honest, I just packed my bags. LOL I have my clothes packed. Just still have a little shopping to do for my bosses and such. Today is my 2 month anniversary here. I'm grateful that things have gone so smoothly that I get to leave a month earlier than planned. I will be continuing my coaching through skype and I'm not worried about continuing my process no matter where I am, really. I am going to Miami on Sunday and will be spending a few days there. I plan on attending the beach everyday and having a little escape before I get back home. I get back to Chicago Thursday the 14th. I will be going straight to Sarah's. I cannot wait to spend time huggin her. My cuddler. and I get to see lil Ari. I have so much to look forward to. To hug my mom seems so incredible and comforting. It wasn't easy to decide to leave so soon. But I knew that it may come to a point to know what I'm willing to sacrifice in order to get home soon. The hardest thing is that I wont be able to get to see my cousin Juli and her baby. It hurts my heart. But I plan to visit them this summer or fall and I would get them all to myself. Really, all I did was ask for the light to help me. To guide me. and for whatever be the best for me, come clearly and easy. and honestly, for the most part it has. My uncle doesn't want me to leave and doesn't understand my reasons, but I realize that not everyone is going to understand me. and thats ok. I accept everyone has different opinions, so it makes sense for some to disagree with me. In the end, it helps make my decision that much clearer. I have no doubts about this decision. It took me a minute to not allow doubt and guilt creep in. For a minute it actually started effecting me physically. I truly hate to disapoint people, especially people I love, but I guess thats part of life. Even if their mistakes, their mine to make. Its no ones responsibility to save me or to live my life. Hopefully I get to see all the people I want to before I leave. Sadly, tomorrow the g'byes begin.
Thank you for reading

Day 57&58

So these two days have been great. I had my Drs apt and he was very happy with everything. I'm at a total loss of 36pounds. That will be the last time I weigh myself for a while. But all in all he was just so pleased with how my recovery has gone. So well that he says the next apt will be in December. So I'm released from anymore appointments. I was so happy that I cried. My blood pressure is perfect, the black pigment is almost gone on my neck and face. My hands and elbows are still darker but a lot lighter. Things are falling into place physically and I've never felt better. I'm really proud of myself and that feeling of pride and gratefulness was overwhelming. So thats it. I'm leaving. Tonight I will look for tickets and plan my trip home. My time here is done and its time to move on to the next phase of my process. Many challenges are ahead but I feel ready. I was able to have a coaching session right after my Drs apt. It was great. Again, I left feeling with new wisdom and stronger. With more amunition to move on with. With less fear. Fear always has a tendancy to creep back in. To create doubts and start the stream of negative thoughts. But I'm learning how to cut it short and get back on track. It was a great session. I decided to go to a movie by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it. All in all this all feels just perfect and just as its meant to be. I ended up going to my aunt and my uncle's and spending some time with them. oh and I found my thumbdrive so here are some last pics from when I was in Castalia and some from here in the city.
Thank you for reading.

My favorite calf. She is so bossy and rude with others but loved me!

My Dad and I at the bus station. Our b'bye :(

Laura and I on our romantic date. 

Greatest guy I know!!!! My cousin Pedro that loves chocolate bars, lol